Obrázky stránek
PDF
ePub

When I entered the apartment of No.

Street, many

་་

of the chairs forming the semicircle round the fire were unoccupied. Lady Gabbleblab, with her usual courtesy, rose to salute me.

[ocr errors]

"Dear Mr. Dimple," said she, "this is so kind of you

"Oh, Lady Gabbleblab!"

"And I fear you'll find it so stupid."

Pray don't repeat that-stupid! My dear Lady Gabbleblab,

you quite distress me; to suppose that any thing could be stupid "where you

"Now, my dear Mr. Dimple, you are too kind."

"Lady Gabbleblab, you must not say so, really."

"O, Mr. Dimple, you know it is the common opinion that you "are the most accommodating, most polite

"You overwhelm-you shock me

"Most accomplished-most amiable-most-
"For heaven's sake, Lady.”

"But I repeat

"O no, no

"But I must declare

[ocr errors]

"Excuse me--but I cannot think of listening

"Mr. Dimple, the plain fact is --."

Here a fresh arrival diverted her ladyship's attention.

"Dear

"Miss M'Scratch," said her ladyship to the new-comer, "this is so "kind of you to come in this friendly way, and social intercourse is so delightful, but I am afraid you'll find it very stupid."

66

Miss M'Scratch, as in duty bound, would not admit this latter doubt. "O, you are so kind," rejoined Lady G., "but how is dear Miss "M'Shrill? I hope I am not to be deprived of the pleasure of see"ing her?"

"I left Miss M'Shrill below arranging her hair at the glass; for my part, I am above the little arts of my sex in adorning my "exterior."

66

[ocr errors]

Poor Miss M'Scratch! well might she have lost all care for external appearance, for if the whispering of certain persons is to be credited, she had experienced at least twelve lustres; added to which natural disfigurement, an unhandsome protuberance was attached to her back, her left organ of vision was damaged, the half the usual organ appeared to be abstracted, and the corner of her mouth was turned eye-ward by a whim of paralysis.

"But," she pursued, "Miss M'Shrill is very lively; I assure "you I've a sad time with her, Lady Gabbleblab; I don't say much, "but it isn't every one that would put up with Miss M'Shrill's whims."

As she spoke thus, the damaged eye was brought into action in a most equivocal manner.

"I'm quite vexed to hear you say so," returned Lady G.; " but "between you and me, I always thought Miss M'Shrill did not behave "quite well to you; bad temper I expect---not over correct-ha! yes, "I understand. Oh, shameful! when every body knows what an "amiable person you are, Miss M'Scratch; indeed Miss M'Shrill's "conduct my dearest Miss M'Shrill welcome !" (that lady at the

1

moment making her appearance), " I cannot express how delighted "I am to see you."

1

.. More I heard not, for they retired to another part of the room to finish their questions.. Shortly afterward the whole of the social party was assembled, in number about eight; nine is the charmed number; it should be neither more nor less, for if less it is feeble, impotent, and heavy at the same time; neither should it exceed the three times three, for it then becomes (as my friend Thingumbob says) neither the one thing nor the other; it loses its own peculiar order and regularity; there is no longer any chance of doing business in a decent, distinct, and satisfactory manner; it becomes hurry, wildness, and distraction all. Fancy, for example, a choice, tender, young reputation (the idea of which must make the mouth of every connoisseur of tea-parties water) stretched upon the dissecting board with ten or twelve, or, it may be, fourteen, eager to operate upon it; why, it would be impossible to go through the matter with any sort of regularity or precision--every one would have his instru ment in it, and the thing would thus become mangled and torn to pieces; it would no longer be a subject, it would be fit only for the unskilful hacking and slashing of the benchers at a rout.

But I have digressed. The appearance of the tea-urn, or to speak quite correctly, perhaps I should say, the filling of the first round of cups, is the signal for entering upon the business of the evening. The previous space is allotted to enquiries after health of selves, wives, husbands, (as may be) &c., tender hopings that dear mister or mistress bas recovered from his or her fit of the gout or rheumatism, particular enquiries as to the cold of master or miss, and recommendations to take care of it, as the only means by which it may be got rid of, &c. &c.

And pray what is going on in the world?" said Lady Gabbleblab to Mrs. Calendar, as she handed the lady her cup of mixed; you know I'm such an invalid, I never get out."

66

66

Every thing as dull as possible," was the reply of Mrs. C. "not a word of news stirring;---I suppose you have heard that poor Lady Blowup has been taken-up?”

[ocr errors]

"Taken up! good heavens, no!"

"Dear Mrs. Calendar," said Mrs. Gorgenews, "I am at a loss "to understand you---Lady Blowup has been buried these three days!"

66

"Dear ma'am, what do you mean?" enquired a gentleman with a wooden leg, and an eye, which, from its fixedness, might have been likened to a planet.

[ocr errors]

Surely you must have heard the circumstance," returned Mrs. Calendar; "she was taken-up last night from her grave, and I am "told has been boiled and hung up to dry to-day."

"Dear, dear, how shocking!" exclaimed Lady Gabbleblab.

"Pray let us hear the particulars, my dear maiden," said Mrs. Crony; "this intelligence quite distresses me."

46

Pray let us hear all about it," eagerly cried Mrs Garrulous.

Conticuêre omnes intentique ora tenebant.

There are few delights more exquisite than that of being the first to disclose an extraordinary fact, or to tell a wonderful story. Mrs. Calendar over and over again expressed her astonishment that they had not heard the circumstance, which preliminary is always used by connoisseurs to quicken, by forbearance, the appetites of the auditors.

64

[ocr errors]

"I can vouch for the truth of the fact," said she at length, "because it was told me by a lady (I shan't mention names), who was a particular friend of a gentleman, to whom the person who "was accidentally a witness of the whole transaction confidently "disclosed it. This gentleman was passing by Walcot Church at an early hour this morning on his way home; he was attracted by the "glimpse of a dark lantern in the church-yard; he stopped and "looked steadfastly towards the spot, but the darkness of the night "prevented him from distinguishing more than the figures of two men; he paused, however, a few seconds, and presently the moon "shining brightly, he plainly perceived the digging at a grave—-”, "Well, well, and what then?"

[ocr errors]

66

"You shall hear; as I said before, he saw them digging at a grave; I believe I mentioned they were two men ?”

66

Yes---yes--go on," was the exclamation.

"Soon after he saw one man with his arm in the grave, appa"rently pulling something out.”

"That was Lady Blowup, I suppose?" cried Mrs. Gorgenews. "It was no such thing; I shall come to that by and bye," replied Mrs. Calendar, with some acuteness; "well, the man who had his hand in the grave called to his companion to help him, and presently he "saw---that is the gentleman you know--he saw---let me see---O yes! “he saw a human body dragged out in a state of nudity! he then "saw the two men fold it up, put it into a bag, and jump over the "church-yard wall!"

This tale of darkness had manifest effects on its auditors, and expressions of horror occupied the ensuing five minutes.

64

"To think," resumed Mrs. Calendar, " to think of the splendor "and style poor dear Lady Blowup lived in to think of her balls and her parties, and her snug little social parties where we've so "often met; it was only this day fortnight that I spent a quiet evening "with her, and to think that they should be all gone, never more to “return! such is this transitory world! such is the uncertainty of all "sublunary things! to think that the poor dear soul should be dead, "buried, and, as one may say, risen again, within one short week!”

A simultaneous" dear me !" backed up with some well got up sighs from most of the circle, followed this effusion; and, indeed, the gentleman of the leg and eye turned round to me and observed, "what an extremely sensible woman Mrs. Calendar was."

"And dear Miss M'Scratch, I hope you find your new servant of "whom you spoke to me t'other day continue to your satisfaction?"

"O, Lady Gabbleblab," replied Miss M'S." the vilest wretch "that ever came within Christian doors! she hadn't been one week "in my house, when two fellows had the impudence to come to the

66

66

area gate and wHISTLE! I saw them---I saw the villains; so I imme"diately walked down to my kitchen, and, says I to Betsy, you slut, you trull, you baggage, you infamous insolent hussy, pack up your rags this instant and go out to your fellows, but set foot in my house again at your peril :---pray, now, don't you think I acted perfectly right, Lady Gabbleblab?"

66

66

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]

Perfectly right, to be sure you did, my dear ma'am, and with your usual good sense."

[ocr errors]

Now, Lady Gabbleblab," interrupted Miss M'Shrill," Grizzie "runs away with the thing

66

[ocr errors]

Pray what do I run away with, Miss M'Shrill, I'd be glad to "know?" cried Miss M'Scratch, turning to her cousin with a look of defiance.

"Why you run away with the story, for the poor girl came to "me crying, and declared they were only her brothers

[ocr errors]

"Brothers!" interrupted M'Scratch, with an expression of inconceivable scorn, "a pretty plausible story, indeed, you are gulled by. "I tell you what, Lady Gabbleblab, if I had not fortunately seen those "fellows, that hussy would have let 'em into the house, and they'd "have concealed themselves till night, when we were all asleep in our beds, and then robbed the house, and perhaps murdered us while we were little thinking of any such matter."

66

"How very dreadful!" sighed Mrs. Garrulous.

"Servants are come to a most horrid pitch indeed!" said Mrs. Gorgenews; "for my part, I don't know what they want; I myself, by my account, find that I have had forty-four within these three "months, besides two that ran away."

"It's the same with me," said Mrs. Calendar, "keep a decent servant within my doors."

"I find I can't

For my part," affirmed M'Scratch, "I don't think there's a "decent servant in England."

"Certainly the country is come to a dreadful state," said Mrs. Garrulous, "we hear of nothing but robberies, murders, and house"breakings, and people doing what they ought not to do; in my time we never heard of such things, but every thing is altered now."

66

"Ah! you may well say that," sighed Mr. Crony; "in my day every "thing went on as it should, but every thing is altered now; I don't "know how it will all end, but I hope (a boding look) it will turn out "all for the best."

"So I do hope so too," observed Miss M'Scratch, with a look which spoke volumes; "I hope so---but I'm afraid---however I shan't say any thing---only I know what I know---I could tell something---but

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors][merged small][ocr errors]

The spirit of curiosity was quickened at these dark sayings--heads were slightly inclined forward, and lips separated visibly pourtraying that feeling.

"I always thought you were a very sensible woman, Miss "M'Scratch," said the gentleman with the leg and eye.

"Good gracious me," cried Miss M'Shrill; "what can you know

"Grizzie ?"

"No matter what," answered Grizzie, with another look which augmented the previous curiosity to a most agonizing pitch; “I'm not "obliged to tell every body every thing that I know---but no matter "---I shan't say another word about it---its no use to talk; its buried "in my bosom, and there it shall remain."

"Dear, dear, what can it be?" cried several who were unable any longer to restrain themselves; "you know we are among friends; "it will never go farther."

"Well---I don't know," said Miss M'Scratch, pausing musingly; "you must faithfully promise that it never shall go farther, and I don't "mind if I do tell."

The promise was eagerly made.

"Why then," resumed the sibyl,-" a very sensible man who "has read a great deal, and has a great quantity of knowledge-a "very clever man indeed, and a particular friend of mine-well, he "told me that the world was grown to such a pitch of wickedness "that it could not last much longer-AND-" she paused with a most profound and mysterious expression of feature.

"And-what?" was the eager query,

"And-that according to his calculation, it could not last more " than eleven years and three quarters longer!"

"Good gracious me!" cried Miss M'Shrill.

"Dear, how awful!" exclaimed Lady Gabbleblab.

"I hope I shall be dead and buried in my grave before that,” ejaculated Mrs. Gorgenews.

[ocr errors]

"Only eleven years

and three quarters, and I have my house on a lease of fourteen!" cried the alarmed Mrs. Calendar.

Well, it can't be helped; we must all come to our end sooner or later," aspirated Mr. Crony.

The story of a monstrous birth followed this fearful prophecy; after which, a discussion arose among the ladies, as to whether flounces or tucks were to continue to be worn, and whether the shoulder-ofmutton sleeve would remain in vogue this season. This important matter being, after some animated debate, determined, the particulars of a crim. con. which had lately happened, were related; remarks upon, and agitations touching the impropriety of this practice, naturally ensued; after which, the conversation was led to the subject of gossipping, and remarks to the following purport were made thereon.

66

"Of all the shameful, dreadful things upon earth, I do think a gossip is the most dreadful," said Miss M'Scratch; " for my part, "I have not patience to sit still in the presence of one of them."

"My dear madam," said he of the leg and eye," they are the "common nuisances of society."

"I perfectly agree with you," said Mrs. Gorgenews.

"I, as you know, have the greatest dislike to them," said Lady Gabbleblab," and that is why I would not be on an intimate footing "with Miss Tatler---I suppose, by the bye, you've heard the pretty "story about her that is gone abroad? poor dear Mrs. Divulgit sat "with me this morning nearly an hour (dear, kind creature), and told

« PředchozíPokračovat »