"An act for the promotion of malarial fairness, which I am quite ready to confever?" These are questions, as Lord Byron said, at once answerless and yet incessant; they appeal to our sense of justice and to all the finer, higher, and nobler instincts and impulses of our better natures. Little as you may think it, gentlemen, Republicans are not wholly depraved. I say this in the interest of humanity, I say this for the general credit of our common country. It is an admission not extorted from me, but voluntarily inade because I realize it, and I ask them, notwithstanding the great burden of sin and iniquity that hangs upon them like a cloud, and notwithstanding the great dust and smoke that obscure the few good actions they have done, I ask them in the name of the shivering people of our malarial bottoms, I ask them in the interest of the halfstarved and half-naked people of the whole country, if they are willing to perpetuate a system of mere party supremacy that works so great ill and injustice to that class of our people that needs the protection of your laws. Pay attention to this. Here is an incongruity which possibly has not occurred to the occult mind of the average tariff investigator. I invite the attention of both sides to one of the greatest economic curiosities presented in this great national museum which we have been for two weeks parading before the American people. Under the general law now in force on the subject, the Holy Scriptures, printed in our mother-tongue, are forbidden to enter the ports of the country without the payment of a duty, and yet during the last Congress the Committee on Ways and Means-this committee for which I have such unbounded respect, and which in the face of their protestation I have endeavored to defend-through their agent, Mr. Tucker, of Virginia, reported, and this House passed a bill to place Bibles printed in the Chinese language upon the free list. Now, think of this; it will grow on you the more you think about it. Thus while we are enacting a law to prohibit the Chinamen from coming to this country, we are at the same time legislating to give Chinese Bibles an advantage over King James's version and the new translation. Mr. Chairman, with all your sense of cede, I appeal to you as the organ of this committee, if a more laughable absurdity, incongruity, and injustice in the interest of morals, and the reformation of the American people ever was presented than the fact that after we prevent the Chinaman through the aid of my friend from California [Mr. Page] and his confrères from coming to this country, we admit the Bible printed in his language, which no man born of American parentage ever did or ever will understand, at the same time imposing a duty of twenty-five per cent. on King James's translation, which has sent all our ancestors to Heaven. God knows if ever there was a time in the history of the American people when free Bibles were needed it is to-day. Just look on that side of the House. I ask any moral reformer, I appeal to Moody and Sankey, I appeal to all the evangelists now living, in the name of mercy to come and exercise their best endeavors just beyond that aisle. I am willing for the attempt to be made to convert these bold, bad people, notwithstanding I realize the fact that it will be an enormous strain upon the general plan of salvation. A CONSCIENTIOUS EPITAPH. How beautiful, how noble is the poet's art when used to sooth the mourning heart! One of the sweetest and tenderest specimens of elegiac verse has been composed by an English gentleman who accidentally got the remains of four wives somewhat mixed during their removal to a new burial ground. He was determined, was Mr. Sparks, that there should be no mistake as to the various Mrs. Sparkses' last abode; and accordingly calmed his wounded spirit and displayed strict truthfulness by the composition of the following beautiful inscription: "Here lies Jane (and probably part of Susan) Sparks." "Sacred to the memory of Maria (to say nothing of Jane and Hannah) Sparks." "Stranger, pause and drop a tear. For Susan Sparks lies buried here; Mingled in some perplexing manner, With Jane, Maria and portions of Hannah." Omnipotente,' as a certain degree of delicate management, which stands me in INFLEXIBILITY; OR HOW SOME good stead, par fois. A besieged fortress is not always taken by storm, you know. There are such ways and means as sapping and mining. Mrs. Leslie. Why, you've been studymanage it your own way; only-manage it. ing Vauban! But just as you please; Lady Mary. That is precisely what I mean to do; and to tell you the truth (à l'oreille), my theatrical wardrobe is already packed up. Mrs. Leslie. Well done, conjugal submission! Mine is not yet ordered; but I'll not lose a minute, and I shall take down a senator's dress for Colonel Leslie ; you'd better settle about Jaffier's. Au revoir. [Exit. Mrs. Leslie. I'll not go; that's positivesure. Lady Mary, you won't let Mr. Leslie drag you down to that horrible old place; just to humour the unreasonable whims of our honoured papa and mamma-in-law, by keeping Christmas with them, and the bats and owls, and old family portraits, (monsters! how I hate the sight of them!) instead of joining the select of BeauVallon, where you know we have half Enter the Honourable Mr. Leslie, in great engaged ourselves to take part in the private theatricals, and half promised for our sposi. Lady Mary. Yes; without their knowing anything of the matter, poor dear souls! Mrs. Leslie. That does not signify. I've told Colonel Leslie, he must put off the old people; and he must go with me to Beau-Vallon; so that point's settled;you have only to be as determined with his brother, and when we once get them down, they can't refuse to take the characters cast for them. Mr. Leslie will make a capital Jaffier, and my 'honest man' (he always puts me in mind of Lord G.), will do well enough for one of the Lady Mary. Au revoir, ma petite sœur! Every one works in her own way. indignation. Mr. Leslie. Upon my soul, it's too bad! My brother's a fool!-an absolute fool. By heaven! if I had such a wife-Lady Mary of course, your arrangements are all made for Sunday. I won't start a minute later than ten o'clock, remember you know we must be at Hendon at half-past five the next day,-for I make it a point, never to infringe on any of Lord Hendon's good old-fashioned rules and customs, and he keeps to his six o'clock dinner hour. Lady Mary. Rather horrid, to be sure; but you know I have no will but yours, love! I suppose, Colonel and Mrs. Leslie will be equally punctual? Mr. Leslie. Colonel Leslie's a fool, and his wife. My brother really makes himself too contemptible. That virago of a woman leads him like a puppy-dog in a string. Would you believe it? they are actually sending down excuses to Lord and Lady Hendon, and are going to Beau-Vallon! Lady Mary. Est il possible? What can have induced them to change their plans so suddenly? Mr. Leslie. Devil take me, if I believe Mrs. Leslie ever intended to go to Hendon: and for my brother-his weakness is inconceivable !-pitiable !—absolutely pititable! A woman's cat's-paw!-nothing better, upon my soul! Really, Lady Mary, it would be but charitable in you, Mr. Leslie. My dear Lady Mary, I know you would feel the impropriety of such conduct, exactly as I feel it. So very improper-so inconsistent-so_trifling-so ill-bred-so disrespectful to Lord and Lady Hendon, and their party! And there were particular reasons, very important reasons, for Lord Hendon's wishing us all to be down there this Christmas -I would not absent myself for the uniIt's not a mere Christmas party. Some of the most leading men of the kingdom will be there!-and private arrangements, involving the most important results, may be entered into. That is, we may form-you understand verse. me. Lady Mary. Indeed! but you know, my dear Mr. Leslie, I make it a rule never to pry into state secrets; who shall we meet, though? Mr. Leslie. The Duke of Dundee, Lord Wigblock, Lord Archibald McWigion, and Lord Paul Pop (the Duchess, and Lady Wigblock, of course); and thenyou'd never guess-you'll be astonished! -we're to be joined by-(the thing's a profound secret, remember)-by-(quite unexpectedly, you understand)-by-who do you think? Lady Mary. O, I am such a simpleton at guessing political riddles. By-byMr. Leslie. Let me whisper it in your ear-by Mr. Secretary Humbug!!! Lady Mary. 'Est il possible '?1 1 I know but one instance, in which King James II. made a reply of wit and humour. After King William had landed, it was announced to James II. : "Sire, such a great lord has left you, and gone over to King William." Prince George, of Denmark, exclaimed, "est il possible?" Again it was announced to James, that another great lord had gone over to William; "est il possible? "again exclaimed Prince George, and so he did always-exclaiming, "est il possible?" upon every At last, Prince George himself went Mr. Leslie. All an arranged thing! Understood on both sides; though, till the meeting has actually taken place, we observe the most profound secrecy. Such measures in agitation-such a coalition! and my brother to absent himself at so momentous a crisis! A man must have very little patriotic feeling; very little sense of his duty as an Englishman, and his dignity as a man, to suffer himself to be so wound about a woman's finger. And I more than half suspect, Mrs. Leslie will drag him down to Beau-Vallon, where they say the Carberrys are getting up private theatricals, or some such nonsense. Lady Mary. Ah! that reminds me, by the by-I'd forgotten to tell you-we've had an invitation, too; and to take part in the theatricals; and they wanted you to accept-How luckily you have mentioned it-I must write our directly. excuses Mr. Leslie. Me!-I accept!-what did you say?--I take part in their confounded mummery! By heavens, that's too good! when the vital interests of the country are at stake, and my mind absorbed inMy brother may do as he pleases,-play Jerry Sneak, if he likes it. Lady Mary. Oh! Colonel Leslie is to take the part of a senator, for the play will be 'Venice Preserved.' Mr. Leslie. Devilish good that!-a senator, by the nonce! His Gandersfield constituents will find him a rare senator! -a zealous representative.—When I took my seat for Cackletown Lady Mary. Shall you bring in the Cackletown Inclosure Bill next session? Mr. Leslie. My dear Lady Mary! though I know your discretion; yet, on these subjects-you understand me-one can't be too cautious-too scrupulous. I Lady Mary. Oh! I would not, for the world, intrude on your confidence. spoke heedlessly; for the fact is, I really hardly thought of what I was saying, for -[looking at Mr. Leslie with great anxiety].-Are you quite well to-day, my dear Mr. Leslie? Mr. Leslie. Yes; quite well-I think. At least, I-But why do you ask, eh? Lady Mary. Oh! nothing-I only fancied; to own the truth, I've been a little anxious about you this last day or two. I fancied I saw something about your eyes-your general appearance, in dicative of a return of those horrid spasms, that-but, thank God, I must be mistaken, as you feel so perfectly well. Mr. Leslie. Why, to say the truth, now I think of it, I'm not, exactly; I have had some old feelings of late-[walks to the glass-I certainly look very unwell.— Dev'lish unlucky, just as we're off for Hendon ! Lady Mary. Why, as to that, if an attack should come on, you know we could send off express, and Sir Henry Halford might be with us in three days. Mr. Leslie. Three days, Lady Mary !why, I might be dead in three hours! You're vastly considerate-vastly kind.I'm infinitely obliged to you. Lady Mary. Nay, my dear Mr. Leslie! God knows, if I only consulted my own feelings, but, alas! I know too well what yours are; and that you will run all risks, rather than break engagements so important as Mr. Leslie. Why, my love, they are, to be sure, of the last importance; but when one's life is at stake, there is a paramount duty which a man owes to himself, and to those tenderly interested for him. And, when I think of our darling boy, and of yourself, my dear Lady Mary, I-[Mr. Leslie takes out his pocket handkerchief, Lady Mary applies hers to her eyes].However, don't distress yourself, my love! I do not feel very ill; and I hope there is no great danger of an immediate attack. It is of the utmost importance, that I should meet the party at Hendon. Lady Mary. And I am sure I would not, for the whole world, attempt to influence you in a matter of such moment, -yet, Mr. Leslie. [Smiling, and pulling up his neckcloth, with conscious importance]. No, my love, you know any attempt to influence me on any point would be too absurd-perfectly ridiculous. But what were you about to add? Lady Mary. Oh! nothing of any consequence; only I was just going to observe, that if anything could have reconciled me to give up Hendon, and accept the Carberrys' invitation, it would have been, that their place is so near town we could have had Sir Henry down in a few hours, in case of but I really think there is no danger. By the by, I do wish, though, their theatricals had been put off till our return; you would have made such a capital Jaffier. Mr. Leslie. Oh! they'll find Jaffiers enough without me; and besides, really, with a mind so absorbed as mine is at present, in matters that concern the vital interest of nations -I wonder who they'll get to do Jaffier? Lady Mary. Why, I heard, that in case you could not be prevailed on to take the part, it was to be offered to Harry Dormer; he's rather a favourite of Lady Carberry's, you know. Mr. Leslie. Harry Dormer! a rare Jaffier he'll make. I wish them joy,—I can't think what the devil the women see in that fellow, to make such a fuss about. As for Lady Carberry's taste! entre nous, her Ladyship was never much to my taste. Harry Dormer act Jaffier!-I could have shown them how it ought to be acted; but, thank God! I shall be very differently occupied at Hendon. Lady Mary. By the by, my dear Mr. Leslie, do be cautious about your diet, while we are there. Do you know, they say that since Lord Hendon parted with Petitjean he has picked up some English empoisonneur, who sends up the most atrocious inventions! Mr. Leslie. Parted with PetitjeanLord Hendon parted with Petitjean!you're not serious, Lady Mary. Lady Mary. Why, didn't you know it, love? I'm astonished!-about a paltry hundred a year, that poor Petitjean asked, in addition to his very moderate salary. He only stipulated for that, and to be allowed French wines at his table; (how could Lord Hendon expect him to set his throat on fire with port and sherry!) and yet his very reasonable demands were refused. So the invaluable creature was suffered to depart, and the Carberrys secured him instantly, on his own terms. Mr. Leslie. Lord Hendon's mad-actually insane! Better to have cut off his right-hand than parted with Petitjeanwho the devil will eat his dinners now? There's not a man in England, besides Petitjean, who can send up a salmi or a vol au vent,-Lord Hendon must take the consequences. If the Duke and Lord Wigblock hear this, I should not be surprised, if -and who could blame them? Carberry's a lucky man! Lady Mary. Yes; and really, every thing at Beau-Vallon is in the best taste, du meilleur ton. So rigidly exclusive-no odd people ever get in there; and what ever you may say, my dear Mr. Leslie, on my account, my dear Lady Mary-and Lady Carberry is an enchanting woman, there's a certain duty a man owes to himthough rather too fastidious. She has self-and, and all that sort of thing-and settled, by the by, that you are the only therefore-Do you think the part of creature existing who can take Jaffier. Jaffier is open yet? Mr. Leslie. Oh! there's Harry Dormer, you know; ha, ha, ha! Harry Dormerwhy the fellow is not five-feet six! Lady Mary. Oh, I'm sure of it—or if it were not, Lady Carberry would not hesitate a moment to discard Harry Dormer, and make room for you. But consider a moment, what will Lord and Lady Hendon say? what will people think? They may fancy you are influenced by me. Lady Mary. And you are just six feet! -that's what Lady Carberry said-" such height," said she, "such a figure to set off the dress; et puis des moustaches; ah, ciel!" You know how enthusiastic she is. Mr. Leslie. A fascinating creature, Mr. Leslie. Oh, no! they know me too certainly, at times, and not without con- well-that would be vastly too absurd; siderable tact; but, won't Harry Dormer's but, when a man's life's at stake (and I mustachios do?-ha, ha, ha! they might really do not feel well); and as my Lord drop off, to be sureHendon pleases to forget what is due to his family and friends; and-and then, Beau-Vallon being near town; that all things considered, you may accept Lady Carberry's invitation, and I will arrange the other matter. Poor Dormer! ha, ha, ha! 'six inches too tall'; capital!-[Exit laughing.] Lady Mary. I hear he does nothing, from morning to night, but practice before a pier glass; and says you're just six inches too tall for the part. Mr. Leslie. Good; excellent; capital! -he makes quite sure of it then? Lady Mary. Oh, yes! for when I was sounded on the subject, I gave no hope whatever of our breaking the Hendon engagement. Mr. Leslie. Confound the Hendon engagement!-you might have consulted me. Lady Mary. I never give definite answers; and I hate a decisive tone in women. Mr. Leslie. My brother may be led by the nose, if he pleases, but I-However, my life! I know your intention was admirable, but another time-are you sure they've really got Petitjean at Beau-Vallon? APHORISMS FROM JOSH BILLINGS. THE hardest dollar for a man to git is too often the one he needs the most. SUCKCESS is not allways a sure sighn ov merit, but it iz a fust rate way to suckceed. YUNG man, alwuss pla to win—a game that aint worth winning aint worth playing. THE choicest kompliment that kan be Lady Mary. Oh, positive!-Lord and paid to virtew is, that the best lies we Lady Cormorant are just come from hav are thoze whitch most resemble the thence, and they rave about the new chef truth. de cuisine; and poor Marchmont, who had been down at Hendon, filant le parfait amour with your sister, you know, and is really devotedly attached to her, told me the other day, he was absolutely obliged to run up to town to get a decent feed. Such a table at Hendon now! des infamies-he swore he could not stand it a day longer. thare never waz a dog yet who had haff a Mr friend, don't never strike a dogchance, who didn't luv sumboddy else better than he loved himself. YUNG man, don't git down on yure knees before the world-if yu do, it won't be long before the world will insist upon yure gitting down a peg lower. Mr. Leslie. Nor will I try the experiment, by all that's good. Lord Hendon MEN OV moderate abilitys make the must take the consequences; for, in my best companyuns-men ov grate wit may state of health-under existing circum- be compared to a grate fire, you kant git stances-taking everything into considera- near enuff to it to git warm, without gittion-I know how wretched you would be ting burnt. |