think, what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and lane: they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous then judge of my merit. Quick. I will tell her. Fal. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou? Fal. Well, be gone: I will not miss her. [Exit. Fal. I marvel, I hear not of master Brook: he sent me word to stay within. I like his money well. O! here he comes. Enter FORD. Ford. Bless you, sir. Fal. Now, master Brook; you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford's wife? Ford. That, indeed, sir John, is my business. knave, their master, in the door, who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket. I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well; on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, master Brook : I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether: next, to be compassed, like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head: and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease think of that,-a man of my kidney,-think of that; that am as subject to heat, as butter; a man of Fal. Master Brook, I will not lie to you. I was at continual dissolution and thaw: it was a miracle, to her house the hour she appointed me. Ford. And sped you, sir? Fal. Very ill-favouredly, master Brook. Ford. How so, sir? Did she change her determination? Fal. No, master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love. Ford. What! while you were there? Ford. And did he search for you, and could not find you? Fal. You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's approach; and by her invention, and Ford's wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. Ford. A buck-basket! Fal. By the Lord, a buck-basket: rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasy napkins; that, master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villainous smell, that ever offended nostril. Ford. And how long lay you there? Fal. Nay, you shall hear, master Brook, what I have suffered, to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress, to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet SCENE I.-The Street. 'scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse shoe; think of that, hissing hot,-think of that, master Brook. Ford. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit, then, is desperate; you'll undertake her no more? Fal. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a birding: I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, master Brook. Ford. 'Tis past eight already, sir. Fal. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed, and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her: adieu. You shall have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. [Exit. Ford. Hum: ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford, awake! awake, master Ford! there's a bole made in your best coat, master Ford. This 'tis to be married: this 'tis to have linen, and buck-baskets.-Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house : he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should: he cannot creep into a half-penny purse, nor into a pepperbox; but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not, shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make me mad, let the proverb go with me, I'll be horn mad. [Exit. ACT IV. Mrs. Page. Sir Hugh, my husband says, my son profits nothing in the world at his book: I pray you, ask him some questions in his accidence. Eva. Come hither, William : hold up your head; come. Mrs. Page. Come on, sirrah: hold up your head; answer your master, be not afraid. Eva. William, how many numbers is in nouns? Quick. Truly, I thought there had been one number more, because they say, od's nouns. Eva. Peace your tattlings!-What is fair, William? Will. Pulcher. Quick. Pole-cats! there are fairer things than pole Eva. No; master Slender is get the boys leave to cats, sure. play. Quick. Blessing of his heart! Eva. You are a very simplicity 'oman: I pray you, peace. What is lapis, William?" Will. A stone. Eva. And what is a stone, William ? Eva. No, it is lapis: I pray you remember in your prain. Will. Lapis. Eva. That is good, William. What is he, William, that does lend articles? Will. Articles are borrowed of the pronoun; and be thus declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, hæc, hoc. Eva. Nominativo, hig, hag, hog;-pray you, mark: genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case? Will. Accusativo, hinc. Eva. I pray you, have your remembrance, child: accusativo, hing, hang, hog. Quick. Hang hog is Latin for bacon, I warrant you. Eva. Leave your prabbles, 'oman.-What is the focative case, William? Will. O-vocativo, O. Mrs. Ford. No, certainly.-[Aside.] Speak louder. Mrs. Page. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. Mrs. Ford. Why? Mrs. Page. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying, "Peer-out, Peer-out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to this distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight is not here. Mrs. Ford. Why, does he talk of him? Mrs. Page. Of none but him; and swears, he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket: protests to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery. Mrs. Ford. How near is he, mistress Page? Mrs. Page. Hard by; at street end: he will be here anon. Mrs. Ford. I am undone! the knight is here. Quick. Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her!- murder. Never name her, child, if she be a whore. Eva. For shame, 'oman! Quick. You do ill to teach the child such words.He teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast enough of themselves; and to call horum,-fie upon you! Eva. 'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the numbers and the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires. Mrs. Page. Pr'ythee hold thy peace. Eva. Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns. Will. Forsooth, I have forgot. Eva. It is qui, quæ, quod; if you forget your quis, your quas, and your quods, you must be preeches. Go your ways, and play; go. Mrs. Page. He is a better scholar, than I thought Mrs. Ford. Which way should he go? how should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again? Re-enter FALSTAFF in fright. Fal. No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not go out, ere he come? Fal. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see, you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only, Mrs. Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now? Mrs. Page. Alas, three of master Ford's brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here? Mrs. Ford. He's a birding, sweet sir John. Fal. What shall I do?-I'll creep up into the chim ney. Mrs. Ford. There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole. Fal. Where is it? hoa! Mrs. Ford. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the Enter Mrs. PAGE. Mrs. Ford, Why, none but mine own people. house. Fal. I'll go out, then. Mrs. Page. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, sir John. Unless you go out disguised,— Mrs. Ford. How might we disguise him? Mrs. Page. Alas the day! I know not. There is no woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise, he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape. Fal. Good hearts, devise something: any extremity, rather than a mischief. Mrs. Ford. My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above. Mrs. Page. On my word it will serve him; she's as big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler too.-Run up, sir John. Mrs. Ford. Go, go, sweet sir John: mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head. Mrs. Page. Quick, quick: we'll come dress you straight; put on the gown the while. [Exit FALSTAFF. Mrs. Ford. I would, my husband would meet him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears, she's a witch; forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her. Mrs. Page. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! Mrs. Ford. But is my husband coming? Mrs. Page. Ay, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. Mrs. Ford. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time. Mrs. Page. Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him like the witch of Brentford. Mrs. Ford. I'll first direct my men, what they shall We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, 'Tis old but true, "Still swine eat all the draff." Re-enter Mrs. FORD, with two Servants. 2 Serv. Pray heaven, it be not full of knight again. 1 Serv. I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead. Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH EVANS. Ford. Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again?-Set down the basket, villains.-Somebody call my wife.-Youth in a basket!-O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil be shamed.-What, wife, I say! Come, come forth behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching. Page. Why, this passes! Master Ford, you are not Shal. Indeed, master Ford, this is not well; indeed. Ford. So say I too, sir.-Come hither, mistress Ford; mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband. I suspect without cause, mistress, do I? Mrs. Ford. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty. Ford. Well said, brazen-face; hold it out.-Come forth, sirrah. [Pulls the Clothes out, and throws them all over the stage. Page. This passes! Eva. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies. Ford. Well, he's not here I seek for. Page. No, nor no where else, but in your brain. find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity, Ford. Help to search my house this one time: if I let me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of for his wife's leman." Satisfy me once more; once me, "As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut more search with me. Mrs. Ford. What hoa! mistress Page! come you, and the old woman, down; my husband will come into the chamber. Ford. Old woman! What old woman's that? Mrs. Ford. Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford. Ford. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what's brought to pass under the profession of the figure, and such daubery as this is; beyond our fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by element: we know nothing.—Come down, you witch, you hag you; come down I say. tlemen, let him not strike the old woman. [beats him] you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you Mrs. Ford. Nay, he will do it.-'Tis a goodly credit for you. Ford. Hang her, witch! indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard; I Eva. By yea and nay, I think, the 'oman is a witch spy a great peard under her muffler. Ford. Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again. follow see but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out gentlemen. [Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, and EVANS. Page. Let's obey his humour a little farther. Come, Mrs. Page. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. Mrs. Ford. Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully, methought. o'er the altar: it hath done meritorious service. Mrs. Ford. What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood, and the witness of a good con Mrs. Ford. Are you not ashamed? let the clothes science, pursue him with any farther revenge? alone. Mrs. Page. The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of him: if the devil have him not in fee simple, Will you take up your with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the Ford. I shall find you anon. Eva. 'Tis unreasonable. wife's clothes? Come away. Ford. Empty the basket, I say. Mrs. Ford. Why, man, why,Ford. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.-Pluck me out all the linen. Mrs. Ford. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death. [All Clothes thrown out. Page. Here's no man. Shal. By my fidelity, this is not well, master Ford; this wrongs you. way of waste, attempt us again. Mrs. Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him? the figures out of your husband's brains. If they can Mrs. Page. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape shall be any farther afflicted, we two will still be the find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight ministers. Mrs. Ford. I'll warrant, they'll have him publicly shamed, and, methinks, there would be no period to the jest. Should he not be publicly shamed? Mrs. Page. Come, to the forge with it, then shape it: I would not have things cool. [Exeunt. SCENE III.-A Room in the Garter Inn. Enter Host and BARDOLPH. Bard. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses the duke himself will be to-morrow at court, and they are going to meet him. Host. What duke should that be, comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen; they speak English? Bard. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you. Host. They shall have my horses, but I'll make them pay; I'll sauce them: they have had my house a week at command; I have turned away my other guests: they must come off; I'll sauce them. Come. [Exeunt. SCENE IV.-A Room in FORD'S House. Enter PAGE, FORD, Mrs. PAGE, Mrs. FORD, and Sir HUGH EVANS. Eva. 'Tis one of the pest discretions of a 'oman as ever I did look upon. Page. And did he send you both these letters at an instant? Mrs. Page. Within a quarter of an hour. What shall be done with him? what is your plot? thus. Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, Mrs. Ford. And till he tell the truth, Let the supposed fairies pinch him soundly, Mrs. Page. The truth being known, The children must Ford. Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't. wilt; I rather will suspect the sun with cold, Eva. I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour with my taber. stand, In him that was of late a heretic, As firm as faith. Page. 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more. Be not as extreme in submission, As in offence; But let our plot go forward: let our wives Ford. There is no better way than that they spoke of. Page. How? to send him word they'll meet him in the park at midnight? fie, fie! he'll never come. Eva. You see, he has been thrown into the rivers, and has been grievously peaten, as an old 'oman: methinks, there should be terrors in him, that he should not come; methinks, his flesh is punished, he shall have no desires. Page. So think I too. Ford. That will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards. Mrs. Page. My Nan shall be the queen of all the Shall master Slender steal my Nan away, And marry her at Eton. [To them.] Go, send to Ford. Nay, I'll to him again in name of Brook; Eva. Let us about it: it is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries. [Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and EVANS. Mrs. Page. Go, mistress Ford, Send Quickly to sir John, to know his mind. [Exit Mrs. FORD. And none but he, to marry with Nan Page. That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot; Mrs. Ford. Devise but how you'll use him when he I'll to the doctor: he hath my good will, Mrs. Page. There is an old tale goes, that Herne And him my husband best of all affects: the hunter, Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest, You have heard of such a spirit; and well you know, Received, and did deliver to our age, Page. Why, yet there want not many, that do fear Mrs. Ford. Marry, this is our devise; The doctor is well money'd, and his friends SCENE V.-A Room in the Garter Inn. Enter Host and SIMPLE. Host. What wouldst thou have, boor? what, thickskin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap. Sim. Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John Falstaff from master Slender. Host. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed, and truckle-bed: 'tis painted about with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new. Go, knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee: knock, I say. Sim. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down; I come to speak with her, indeed. Host. Ha! a fat woman? the knight may be robbed : I'll call.-Bully knight! Bully sir John! speak from thy lungs military; art thou there? it is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls. Fal. [Above.] How now, mine host? Host. Here's a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend: my chambers are honourable; fie! privacy? fie! Enter FALSTAFF. Fal. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me, but she's gone. Sim. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of Brentford? Fal. Ay, marry, was it, muscle-shell: what would you with her? Sim. My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain, or no. Fal. I spake with the old woman about it. Fal. What are they? let us know. Fal. You may not conceal them, sir. Sim. Why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress Anne Page; to know, if it were my master's fortune to have her, or no. Fal. "Tis, 'tis his fortune. Fal. To have her, or no. told me so. Host. Here, master doctor, in perplexity, and doubtful dilemma. Caius. I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me, dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jarknow to come. I tell you for good vill: adieu. [Exit. many by my trot, dere is no duke, dat de court is I am undone.-Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am Host. Alue and cry, villain! go.-Assist me, knight; [Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH. undone ! Fal. I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened, and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen's boots with me: I warrant, they fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forwould whip me with their fine wits, till I were as crestswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I would pray and repent. Enter Mistress QUICKLY. Now, whence come you? Quick. From the two parties, forsooth. and so they shall be both bestowed. Quick. And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them: mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her. Fal. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, deliver'd me, the knave constable had set me i' the stocks, i' Go; say, the woman the common stocks, for a witch. Sim. May I be bold to say so, sir? Fal. Ay, sir, tike, who more bold? Sim. I thank your worship. I shall make my master glad with these tidings. Host. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, sir John. [Exit SIMPLE. Was there a wise woman with thee? Fal. Ay, that there was, mine host; one, that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life: and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning. Enter BARDOLPH. Bard. Out, alas, sir! cozenage; mere cozenage! Host. Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto. away, Bard. Run away with by the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them in a slough of mire; and set spurs, and like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. Host. They are gone but to meet the duke, villain. Do not say, they be fled: Germans are honest men. Enter Sir HUGH EVANS. Eva. Where is mine host? Host. What is the matter, sir? Eva. Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town tells me, there is three couzin germans, that has cozened all the hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you: you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs, and 'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well. [Exit. Enter Doctor CAIUS. Caius. Vere is mine Host de Jarretière ? content. Quick. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your hearts! what ado here is to bring you together. Sure, Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good crossed. one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so my chamber. Fal. Come up into And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee A hundred pound in gold more than your loss. Fent. From time to time I have acquainted you I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine Host: |