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Mrs. Page. Alas, three of master Ford's brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?
Fal. What shall I do?—I 'll creep up into the chimney.
Mrs. Ford. There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces : Creep into the kiln-hole.
Fal. Where is it?
Mrs. Ford. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: There is no hiding you in the house.
Fal. I 'll go out then.
Mrs. Page. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, sir John. Unless you go out disguised,
Mrs. Ford. How might we disguise him ?
Mrs. Page. Alas the day, I know not. There is no woman's gown big enough for him ; otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.
Fal. Good hearts, devise something ; any extremity, rather than a mischief.
Mrs. Ford. My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above.
Mrs. Page. On my word, it will serve him; she 's ás big as he is : and there 's her thrumm'd hat, and her muffler too: Run up, sir John.
Mrs. Ford. Go, go, sweet sir. John: mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head.
Mrs. Page. Quick, quick; we 'll come dress you straight : put on the gown the while. [Exit FAL.
Mrs. Ford. I would my husband would meet him in this shape : he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears she's a witch; forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her.
Mrs. Page, Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards !
Mrs. Ford. But is my husband coming ?
Mrs. Page. Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
Mrs. Ford. We'll try that; for I 'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time.
Mrs. Page. Nay, but he'll be here presently : let 's go dress him like the witch of Brentford.
Mrs. Ford. I 'll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up, I'll bring linen for him straight.
[Exit. Mrs. Page. Hang him, dishonest varlet ! we cannot misuse him enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Re-enter Mrs. Ford, with two Servants. Mrs. Ford. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him : quickly, despatch. [Exit.
1 Serv. Come, come, take it up. 2 Serv. Pray Heaven it be not full of knight again. 1 Serv. I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead. Enter Ford, PAGE, SHALLOW, Caius, and Sir
Hugh EVANS. Ford. Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again ?-Set down the basket, villain :-Somebody call my wife :-Youth in a basket ! 6–0, you panderly rascals! there's a knot,
& Full of knight. The servant uses knight as he would say lead.
b We print the speech as in the folio,-and, if properly read, it most vividly presents the incoherent and abrapt mode in which a mind overwrought by passion expresses its thoughts.
a ging," a pack, a conspiracy against me: Now shall the devil be shamed. What! wife, I say !--Come, come forth. Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching.
Page. Why, this passes ! Master Ford, you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
Eva. Why, this is lunatics ! this is mad as a mad dog!
Enter Mrs. Ford. Ford. So say I too, sir.-Come hither, mistress Ford; mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband !—I suspect without cause, mistress, do I ?
Mrs. Ford. Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me of any dishonesty.
Ford. Well said, brazen-face; hold it out.—Come forth, sirrah.
[Pulls the clothes out of the basket. Page. This passes !
Mrs. Ford. Are you not ashamed ? let the clothes alone.
Ford. I shall find you anon.
Eva. "T is unreasonable! Will you take up your wife's clothes ? Come away.
Ford. Empty the basket, I say.
Ford. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket : Why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is: my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable : Pluck me out all the linen.
Mrs. Ford. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.
Page. Here 's no man.
Shal. By my fidelity, this is not well, master Ford ; this wrongs you.
Eva. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.
Ford. Well, he is not here I seek for.
Ford. Help to search my house this one time: If I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity, let me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of me, As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife's leman. Satisfy me once more; once more search with me.
Mrs. Ford. What hoa, mistress Page! come you, and the old woman, down; my husband will come into the chamber.
Ford. Old woman! What old woman 's that?
Ford. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what is brought to pass under the profession of fortunetelling. She works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is; beyond our element: we know nothing.- Come down, you witch, you hag you ; come down, I say.
Mrs. Ford. Nay, good, sweet husband ;-good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman. Enter Falstaff in women's clothes, led by Mrs. PAGE.
Mrs. Page. Come, mother Prat, come, give me your hand.
Ford. I'll prat her :--Out of my door, you witch, [beats him,] you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! out! out! I'll conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you.
(Exit FALSTAFF. Mrs. Page. Are you not ashamed ? I think you have killed the poor woman.
Mrs. Ford. Nay, he will do it :-T is a goodly credit for you.
Ford. Hang her, witch!
Eva. By yea and no, I think, the 'oman is a witch indeed : I like not when a 'oman has a great peard ; I spy a great peard under her muffler.a
Ford. Will you follow, gentlemen ? I beseech you, follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
Page. Let 's obey his humour a little further : Come, gentlemen. [Exeunt Page, FORD, SHAL., and Eva.
Mrs. Page. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
Mrs. Ford. Nay, by the mass, that he did not; be beat him
most un pitifully, methought. Mrs. Page. I 'll have the cudgel hallowed, and hung o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.
Mrs. Ford. What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood, and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
Mrs. Page. The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.b
Mrs. Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?
Mrs. Page. Yes, by all means ; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband's brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.
Mrs. Ford. I'll warrant they 'll have him publicly shamed; and, methinks, there would be no period to the jest, should he not be publicly shamed.
& The muffler covered a portion of the face-sometimes the lower part, sometimes the upper.
The passage means that the devil had Falstaff as an entire estate, with the power of barring entail--of disposing of him according to his own desire.
• No period to the jest--we should have to keep on the jest in other forms, unless his public shame concluded it. There would be no end to the jest.