know something about Naval affairs. and twenty-five thousand pounds no
He has, in fact, reviewed the fleet From shillings and pence. Result, return of
a Conning Tower. He is, accordingly, Government with increased majority."
sent to take charge of the War Office. Business done.-Captain PRETYMAN,
Then there is Captain PRETYMAN. He late of the Suffolk Volunteer Artillery,
is a man of war, has smelt powder fired now at the Admiralty, comes out in new
on Royal birthdays and the like by character as authority on finance.
the Royal Suffolk Volunteer Artillery. Friday night. The last words of
Whenever in past days Army matters eminent men are treasured up in litera-
were to the fore, be sure the gallant ture. Some are beautiful; some grim;
captain would be around putting things

right.

"The very man for the Navy," says PRINCE ARTHUR, regarding him critically.

So the honorary Colonel of the First Suffolk Volunteer Artillery is made Civil Lord of the Admiralty. Thus are the Services brought into closer touch. Today it fell to PRETYMAN'S lot to defend the Navy Estimates, which include purchase money of two Chilian war vessels.

Last March, when subject before House, PRINCE ARTHUR Scorned suggestion that these vessels, then in the market, should be bought. They were, he insisted, in every way unsuitable for brotherhood of the British Fleet. Now, at a price reaching a million and threequarters sterling, they have been acquired. How is this, Committee wants to know.

PRINCE ARTHUR not here to explain. If he were, he might recall BENEDICK's re

SO PRINCE ARTHUR: "When I said I would not have these Chilian vessels as a gift, I did not think I should live to give £1,875,000 for them."

mark when charged with inconsistency: several apocryphal. JOHN PENN, for a
"When I said I would die a bachelor, dozen years Member for his native
I did not think that I should live till town of Lewisham, was not numbered
I were married."
among the great of the earth. A simple-
minded, shrewd-headed, kind-hearted
man, he shrank from the cheap publicity
of the Question hour, never wasted time
of House by prosy or argumentative
In his absence PRETYMAN volubly speech. Still I venture to think his
explains that the transaction is really an last recorded words, in respect of their
economy. Suppose we hadn't bought sublime unselfishness, the rare considera-
them, some other nation would. There- tion for others at the awful moment
upon we should have had to build two when humanity is usually concerned for
others, which would have cost at least itself, are worthy of record. Only to-
a couple of millions. Transaction there- day I hear of them from his old Harrow
fore actually puts a quarter of a million housemate, the SECRETARY FOR SCOTLAND.
sterling into the pocket of British tax-
payer.

66

“

THE EGREGIOUS ENGLISHMAN.
[The Scotch Education Department, not
satisfied with the pronunciation in vogue
beyond the Tweed, has appointed a Liverpool
gentleman to instruct the teachers of Scotland
how to speak polite English.]

A PLAGUE on yon Depairtment, JEAMES!
It maun be aye appearin'
Wi' sic a host o' daft-like schemes,
Forever interferin'.

Tis past a joke when feckless fouk
Awa' in Lunnon ettle

Wi a' this fuss tae talk tae us,

The Schule Board o' Kingskettle.

I'll tell ye hoo it comes tae pass-
The facts are easy stated:
They tak' inspectors frae a class
No richtly eddicated

An' when the fules inspect oor schules
I'll swear upon my life, JEAMES,
There's no a man can unnerstan'

The classic tongue o' Fife, JEAMES.
An' whaur's the cure? The thing tae
dae

Tae pit them on their mettle
Wad be tae raise inspectors tae
The staundard o' Kingskettle;
But eh! I fear frae what I hear

Thae fouk in Lunnon toun, JEAMES,
Are bent the noo on findin' hoo
Tae eddicate us doun, JEAMES.

For hae ye heard their latest plan?
I canna weel believe it-
Deil tak' the impidence o' man
That ever daured conceive it!

They're sendin' doun a Southron loon

Frae far across the border

Tae lairn us hoo tae shape oor mou'
An' set oor tongue in order.
Noo hoo could ony man expec'
We'd thole thae Angliceesms
An' lairn a furrin' deealec'

O' crude proveencialeesms?
Tae think a fule frae Liverpool
Should undertak' tae settle
The kind o' way we oucht tae say
Oor wordies in Kingskettle!

"Don't bury me on Thursday," PENN whispered, the hand of Death already upon him. "There is a little girl oppo- STILL ANOTHER CASE OF PRE

COGNITION.

In matters of domestic finance Wilkins Micauber not in it with ERNEST GEORGE site going to be married on that day, PRETYMAN, late Captain in the Royal and it would be gruesome." Artillery. Annual income twenty The little girl opposite was the DEAR MR. PUNCH,-I don't quite know pounds, annual expenditure nineteen daughter of Sir WEETMAN and Lady what this precognition means that everynineteen six, result happiness. Annual PEARSON, now Lady DENMAN. As far as body is talking about, but I believe income twenty pounds, annual expendi- I know, PENN was not personally ac- I experienced a marvellous instance of ture twenty pounds nought and six; quainted with the family on the opposite the mysterious sensation just now when result misery.' side of Carlton House Terrace. But he I happened to be saying goodbye in the had heard of the coming marriage, and, hall to Mr. EDWIN JONES, to whom I had deep in the shadow of the Valley of at that moment become engaged. WithDeath, his first thought, as it had been out warning he took me in his arms, and through his lifetime, was for others. it was then, Mr. Punch, that there flashed across me the weird intuition that I had been there before. Of course I did not tell him so. Yours ever, A. P.S.-Men are so like one another,

Compare with that PRETYMAN'S economical dictum and see how trifling was

Mr. Micawber's.

"Two war ships cost two millions sterling. Buy them for one million eight hundred and seventy-five thousand pounds no shillings and pence, and you collar for the working-man (whose vote will soon be wanted) one hundred

Business done. Musical Copyright
Bill considered.

MOTTO FOR DENTIST.-Facile Forceps. aren't they?

THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BETTER EXPRESSED.

Captain Sawney (at a Mi-Carême fancy dress ball, perfectly satisfied that he is saying a happy thing and paying a very great compliment). "WELL, YOU DO LOOK DELIGHTFUL! FASCINATING! Too CHARMING FOR WORDS! WHAT AN AWFUL PITY IT IS YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS LIKE THAT!"

GOLF AND GOOD FORM.

(By the Expert Wrinkler.)

never donned knickers again. To a almost of the Dutch cut, and that his man with a really well-turned calf and stockings of a plain brown colourneat ankles I should say, wear knicker- had no roll such as I have described. bockers whenever you get a chance. Then of course Sir ARLINGTON has an Is it good form to golf? That is a The late Lord SEPTIMUS BOULGER, who exceptionally well-modelled calf, and question I have been so repeatedly had very thick legs, and calves that when in addition a man has £30,000 a asked of late by correspondents that seemed to begin just above the ankles, year he may be allowed a certain latitude I can no longer postpone my answer. used to wear knickerbockers because he in his dress and his conduct generally. Now to begin with, I fear there is no said it put his opponent off his play. doubt that golf is a little on the down If I may say so without offence he was BOOTS AND SHOES. grade socially. Golf is no longer the a real funny chap, though a careless monopoly of the best set, and I am dresser, and I am told that his father, told that artisans' Clubs have actually

been started in certain districts. The
other day, as I was travelling in Lanca-
shire, a man in the same compartment-
with the most shockingly ill-cut trousers
I ever saw said to a friend, "I like
'Oylake, it's 'ealthy, and it's 'andy and
within 'ail of 'ome." And it turned
out that the chief attraction to him at
Hoylake was the golf. Such an incident.
as this speaks volumes. But I always
try to see both sides of every question,
and there is unquestionably a great deal
to be said in favour of golf. It was un-
doubtedly played by Kings in the past, |
and at the present moment is patronised
by Grand Dukes, Dukes, Peers and
Premiers.

GOLF AND DRESS.

But the real and abiding attraction of golf is that it mercifully gives more opportunities to the dressy man than any other pastime. Football and cricket reduce every one to a dead level in dress, but in golf there is any amount of scope for individuality in costume. Take the case of colour alone. The other day at Finsbury Park station I met a friend on his way home from a day's golfing, and I noticed that he was sporting the colours of no fewer than five different Clubs. On his cap was the badge of the Camberwell Crusaders his tie proved his membership of the Bickley Authentics: his blazer was that of the Tulse Hill Nondescripts; his brass waistcoat buttons

bore the monogram of the Gipsy Hill QUOTATIONS GONE WRONG. Zingari; the roll of his knickerbocker

"LIFE HAS PASSED

Couper.

stockings was embroidered with the WITH ME BUT ROUGHLY SINCE I HEARD THEE LAST."
crest of the Kilburn Incogs. The effect
of the whole was, if I may be allowed
the word, spicy in the extreme. Of old Lord SPALDING, has never been the
course it is not everyone who can carry same man since his death.
off such a combination, or who can
afford to belong to so many first-class
Clubs. But my friend is a very hand-
some man, and has a handicap of plus
two at Tooting Bec.

STOCKINGS AND CALVES.

The question of footwear at golf is one of considerable difficulty, but there is a general feeling in favour of shoes. My friend the Tooting Bec plusser affects a very showy sort of shoe with a wide welt and a sort of fringe of narrow strips of porpoise hide, which fall over the instep in a miniature cataract. As regards the rival merits of india rubber studs on the soles and of nails, I compromise by a judicious mixture of both. If a waistcoat be worn it should be of the brightest possible colour. I saw Lord DUNCHING the other day at Wimbledon Park in a charming waistcoat. The groundwork was a rich spinach green with discs of Pompeian red, and the buttons were of brass with his monogram in blue and white enamel in the centre. As it was a cold day he wore a mustard-coloured Harris tweed Norfolk jacket and a sealskin cap. Quite a large crowd followed him, and I heard afterwards that he had raised the record for the links to 193.

QUALIFICATIONS FOR A VALET.

One thing is certain-and that is we cannot all be first-class players. Personally, owing to the accident I have already referred to, I hardly ever play at all, but I always make it a point, if I am going on a visit to any place in the country where I know there are no golf links, to take a few niblicks with

me.

A bag for clubs only costs a few shillings, and it looks well amongst your other paraphernalia on a journey. In engaging a valet, again, always rememrules of the "royal and ancient game." ber to ascertain whether he knows the down at Lord SPRINGVALE'S. As I was I shall never forget my humiliation when taking part in a foursome with the Hon. AGRIPPA BRAMBLE, Lady HORACE HILTON, and the Second Mrs. BUNKERAY, I got stuck in a furze-bush and my man handed me a putter. I could have cried with vexation.

Another advantage of knickerbockers is the scope they afford for the display of stylish stockings. A very good effect ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. is produced by having a little red tuft, CAVENDISH, CHATSWORTH.-As to the KNICKERBOCKERS OR TROUSERS. which should appear under the roll treatment of divots different methods The burning question which divides which surmounts the calf. The roll are recommended by different authorigolfers into two hostile camps is the itself, which should always have a ties. My plan, and I am not aware of choice between knickerbockers and trou- smart pattern, is very useful in convey- a better, is to put them in my pocket sers. Personally I favour the latter, ing the impression that the calf is more when the caddie is not looking. When but it is only right to explain that ever fully developed than it really is. I thoroughly dried they form an excellent since I was gaffed in the leg by my noticed the other day at Hanger Hill peat for burning, or can be used for friend Viscount when out cub- that Sir ARLINGTON BALL was playing bedding out rhododendrons. sticking with the Cottesmore I have in a pair of very full knickers,

"NIL DESPERANDUM," BECKENHAM.-The

MISPLACED SYMPATHY.

(The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time.)

"I SAY, BILLY, THAT POOR BLOKE IN THE BED-ROOM MUST 'AVE 'AD A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT. HE'S GOT TWO WOODEN FEET!"

end of each section of THE DAILY TIPSTER
will be found a coupon, which will entitle
the bearer, on payment of sixpence, to Up, sisters, up! The fault's your own
admission to News Rooms situated in If many a wasted span
various parts of the Universe. These
rooms will be fitted with gramophones,
which will deliver

AN IMPERIAL POLICY.

THAT the rôle of Ruy Blas, the hero of VICTOR HUGO's romantic melodrama, should have attracted Mr. LEWIS WALLER, as aforetime it attracted FECHTER, is quite in the nature of things; but it is a pity that Mr. WALLER should not have been contented with the old play, which, cut and polished up, might have proved a gem of some value.

The Baron begs to acknowledge the fourth edition of the Hindi Punch, just received from Bombay. Mr. Punch, who traces his own origin back to prehistoric times when the Pharaohs and such like moderns were neither born nor thought of, when all the world was young, as Mr. Punch himself ever remains, is delighted to find his family so well represented and so highly popular in India as from this volume of the Hindi Punch is evidently the case. It is brought right up At the Imperial Theatre the scenic artists, Messrs. BANKS, to date, and shows clearly how thoroughly The Hind and HICKS and CRAVEN, have done their best for Mr. JOHN DAVID- Brahmin Punchoda agree, and what useful service, wherever SON'S version of Ruy Blas entitled A Queen's Romance. It reform is needed, our Indian cousin is always ready and would have been better for the action had some little licence willing to render. In some instances he appears to be a in the matter of dress been permitted to Mrs. PATRICK very hot Punch, steaming in fact, but that is a matter of CAMPBELL as The Queen of Spain, to Miss LYDIA THOMPSON as climate. The Baron tenders congratulations on the present the Duchess of Albuquerque, and to many of the ladies of the volume, and, on behalf of Mr. Punch himself, wishes Hindi Court, who, attired as they now are, can only give such play Punch continued success in the future. to their feelings as extensive hoops and heavy petticoats will allow. The Queen is a perfect "Court Circular" in herself. This fresh edition of Adonais (METHUEN) is a dainty dish to Her devoted Ruy Blas may get round her with far greater lay before any king. It is fresh only in the sense of being facility than he can get at her. It may be that this is why just printed, since it is an exact reprint, page for page, not her imprisoned Majesty, herself under petticoat government, omitting the errors, of the edition of 1821 published at Pisa seems to be so peculiarly bored by the attentions of her "with the types of DIDOT." My Baronite reads Adonais desperate adorer. How delighted would all the Spanish whenever he finds it at hand. In this charming edition, Court of the Imperial Theatre be even now, if over the doors frocked in pale blue, he finds fresh delight. were inscribed "All hoops abandon ye who enter here!"

Of such telling situations as this "blank version" offers What can be done to help the British Stage was the plaintive to the actor, Mr. LEWIS WALLER makes the most, and in the heading of an article by Mr. W. L. COURTNEY in the last scene of all that closes the tragedy of the lunatic Fortnightly Review for last month. The question was emlacquey's strange career Mr. WALLER puts forth all his phasised not only by quotations from a letter written by power, touches our hearts, excites our sympathy, and leaves Mr. JOHN HARE to the Times, but also by an excerpt from a nothing to be desired, except that all the previous material lecture recently delivered by Mr. PINERO; but the appeal had permitted acting such as this. was scarcely strengthened by a letter from Mr. FREDERICK

Mr. FULTON'S Don Salluste is even more melodramatic than HARRISON (not to be confounded with Mr. MAUDE's partner in VICTOR-HUGO-DAVIDSON'S double-dyed stage villain. It is like the Haymarket management), whose claim to be regarded as Mr. WALDENGARVER'S Hamlet, "massive and concrete." Mr. an authority on theatrical matters has yet to be allowed. THOMAS KINGSTON is fortunate in being cast for the delightful The Baron would be inclined to surmise, in the absence of rôle of the always popular Don César de Bazan.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

any evidence to the contrary, that Mr. HARRISON'S acquaintance with theatrical matters in England is probably limited to the circumstance, as he has here stated it, of his having once upon a time written "a piece" (the Baron supposes What has SIR HORACE PLUNKETT's work on Ireland (JOHN MURRAY) he means a play) with, apparently, a purpose. is the most valuable contribution to the understanding of become of this immortal work? The erudite Baron is coma vital and complex question issued for some time. Long pelled to confess, with compunction, his entire ignorance of before he, with suitability of person to post not a prominent the very existence of this literary and dramatic treasure. It feature in all Ministerial appointments, was placed at the may have been published anonymously, as anonymity has head of the Irish Agricultural Department, Sir HORACE, been on one occasion at least, of which the Baron happens to in modest practical manner, grappled with the subject. be cognisant, adopted by the philosophic Mr. FREDERICK He perceived that at the root of the matter was the desira- HARRISON. If however by "piece" he did not mean a play, bility of agricultural co-operation through voluntary associa- what was it, and why was it referred to in this connection? The Poet Laureate of course has made his début under tions. The gospel he preaches is that Ireland must work

out her own salvation; at the same time he is not above Mr. TREE's auspices as a dramatic author, and there are, we recognising the necessity of supplementing voluntary effort take it, not many playgoers who, having once seen our ALFRED'S by a sound system of state aid to agriculture and other Flodden Field during its not extraordinarily prolonged industries. Not by agriculture alone is Ireland to be run at His Majesty's, are likely to forget it. In the March saved. "The best way to stimulate our industries," writes number of the Fortnightly there appears a second list Sir HORACE in two of the many wise sentences that illuminate of thirty-seven "signatories" of whom only a dozen names his book, "is to develop the home market by means of can fairly be cited as practical an increased agricultural production and a higher standard experts. But what is it that of comfort among the peasant producers. We shall thus these worthy "signatories" (we be operating upon agriculture on the side of consumption allude to such names among as well as production, and so increasing the home demand them as are not usually associated for Irish manufactures." My Baronite, with pretty intimate with the drama) require? Whatknowledge of the history and moulding of the Irish Land ever it may be, had not the Bill, recognises its founder in the Vice-President of the Irish entire subject better be left to Agricultural Board. GEORGE WYNDHAM watered, but HORACE experienced professional actors, PLUNKETT planted. His establishment of the Irish Agricul- with Sir HENRY IRVING as their tural Organisation Society demonstrated the truth of his president, who thoroughly know axiom, "Ireland is to be re-created from within. No the public, and will be univerbody of men at Westminster, though they may help or sally recognised as authorities in such a matter? hinder, can do the main work."

GILLVM:PA

B-W.