ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, May 2.So the MARKISS is to have his monument. Settled to-night in one of those casual conversations that sometimes conveniently take place between private Member and Minister. ST. MICHAEL-what a fine statue he'd make with All Angels artistically disposed about a pedestal!-asked whether PREMIER proposed to move a vote to cover expenses. PRINCE ARTHUR modestly replied it was not a matter on which he could be expected to take initiative. But, since ST. MICHAEL mentioned it, certainly thought course suggested was desirable. All Members on both sides cheered. Englishmen are proud of the MARKISS, admiring not least his unconcealed contempt for the majority of them. In an age of self-advertisement he was scornfully silent. He never bent his knee to that political Baal the Man in the Street. Rather he delighted to flout him with utterance of what came to be known as blazing indiscretions. Only drawback to satisfaction in prospect of a statue of the Victorian statesman lies in apprehension of what may be turned out. We are a great people, mighty in commerce. We can colonise. But we can neither carve nor cast statues. Think of our Dukes of York, our Nelsons, our Prince Consorts. SARK says the only decent modern statue he ever happed upon in London stood for awhile in the square at the AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE! Mr. W-nst-n Ch-rch-ll said that "The late Colonial Secretary had greatly reduced the amount of flogging all over the British Empire. (Cheers.) It was a question on which the rt. hon. gentleman held very strong views." (We strongly suspect that his dislike of flogging is not of universal application!) " Boots!" Japanese Maidens. "Abject, moth-eaten, dogs'-eared servants must most unworthily remove honourable boots of high-born, honourable Mister." (Mr. W-r suggests that Japanese girls should be provided at the House of Commons to remove the boots of hon. Members, and replace them with Japanese sandals. This was suggested to him by his own experiences at Nikko.) bottom of the Haymarket, by the Athe- half a century sits in his father's old næum Club. It showed OUTRAM, with quarters below the gangway. Tall, slim, sword drawn, riding to battle-a live with stooping shoulders, head bent forman, a living horse. Passed by a week ward to discharge the barbed darts later to feast his eyes on the rare spec- fashioned by an acrid tongue, Dizzy's tacle, and lo, it was gone. Too good for old foeman of the 60's gave no promise London, it had been captured by Calcutta. of the figure which loomed in the sight Since then there has been placed in of man in the opening days of the twenthe quadrangle of Burlington House tieth century. We are more familiar WATTS' equestrian statue, a real thing with the great bulk, the colossal weight, handicapped by a ridiculous label. the slow tramp down the corridor, across "Physical Energy" it is called, just the central lobby, reminiscent of an as you would write "Black Currant or elephant treading a thicket, solitary, "Gooseberry" on the parchment covers meditative, unnoticing. of pots of jam. Besides, WATTS is not If the chosen sculptor knew the と M'KENNA AND HIS SUBMARINE ARE RECEIVED WITH A WITHERING FIRE. one moment lulled in deadly calm, the next, struck by a hurricane, it becomes a seething cauldron. stands at grip with the Russ by the banks of the far-off Yalu River, Mr. WEIR, Seated in the House of Commons, recalls an episode in his visit to Japan. When he entered one of the sacred temples at Nikko, or crossed the threshold of Palace of the ancient Mikados at Tokio, there approached him two fair damsels who lisped," Boots." At first, the Member for Ross and Cromarty, shrewd Highlander though he be, was baffled. The interval afforded opportunity of gazing upon the damsels who, prone on hands and knees, looked up at him with laughing gaze. Behold, they were fair. Boots," they murmured, drawing in their breath with that gurgling sound peculiar to a Japanese when he or she desires to please. Then it dawned on Mr. WEIR that on the sanctity of the temple floor, on the snow-white purity of the Palace planking, no earth-crusted boot must press. In brief, he was expected to have his boots removed and slippers substituted before he entered. Cloud of disappointment gathered over the brow of SARK as WEIR recited the incident to the House. He whispers to me how, when he and I were in Japan, we partly shared Mr. WEIR'S experience. We, also, were required to remove our boots. Service was performed, not by dimpled damsels with finally, there was Son AUSTEN, Chancellor almond eyes and snow-white teeth, but of the Exchequer. by our guide or other male attendant. hon. "What conclusion does the Member draw?" asked AUSTEN sternly. "Will he explain a little more fully his insinuations against me?" demanded Don José, pale to the lips with righteous wrath. No; M'KENNA made no insinuation, brought no accusation; merely mentioned facts and invited explanation. "Do you bite your thumb at me?" Don José insisted. It was Don José who, as Cousin HUGH in a brilliant speech said, acted the part of amateur hurricane. At the outset his position was secondary. It was as the father of his son he interposed. Talk on the Opposition Bench of singular in- No, M'KENNA didn't bite his thumb crease in imports of unstripped tobacco at him; did not, in appreciable degree, immediately preceding the Budget. More bite his thumb at anyone; stood up than twice as much cleared from merely as a note of interrogation. Customs last March compared with Wanted to know, you know. same month in last year. By strange The House, filling as by magic, becoincidence increased duty put on came scene of almost savage excitement. stripped tobacco. Fortunate persons Cheers and counter-cheers applauded who had (accidentally) commenced with thrust and counter-stroke. At one great energy to strip Custom houses of moment DoN JOSÉ and M'KENNA on their unstripped tobacco found themselves feet together. Neither disposed to yield. threepence a pound to the good. Another Later, CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER being coincidence was that largest dealer in in possession of House, M'KENNA tried unstripped tobacco trade is a member of to get in a word. Amid yelling cheers DON JOSE's Royal Commission. Putting all these things together, M'KENNA wanted to know. Brought no charges against anybody. But there were the Custom-house figures of 1903 and 1904; there was Mr. GALLAHER, tariff reform his foible, unstripped tobacco his forte; there was Don José; and, waved down by CHANCELLOR. Storm ceased as suddenly as it had arisen; Members went plodding through Division lobbies in succession of divisions. Business done.-Budget Resolutions carried through report stage. Friday night. Whilst the gallant Jap Birds of a feather flock together. Mr. WEIR drew the youth and beauty of Japan, as he fails to "draw" the Lord Advocate on the topic of trawlers in lonely inlets of northern seas. Incident happened in debate on vote for Houses of Parliament. System of ventilation discussed, as it has been annually talked of since the days when ACTON SMEE AYRTON was First Commissioner of Works. Members talk critically about ingress and egress of air, which, as most people know, is driven through iron lacework concealed under matting of flooring, and makes its way out through passages in the ceiling. Complaint made of its being stuffy, loaded with microbes. Mr. WEIR explains it all. The radical fault that shatters an intricate costly system of ventilation lies in the boots. That a subject on which honourable Member long been accepted as authoritative. As House knows from daily observation, Mr. WEIR, by use of peculiar, delicate hydraulic machinery, pumps the lower notes of his impressive voice out of his boots. Effect observed when Secretary for Scotland, having made feeble reply to series of searching questions, takes refuge in silence as Mr. WEIR puts a fifth. Then is heard rolling through the House, like the |