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being the youngest of this illuftrious family, and defcended from parents of fuch different difpofitions, is very various and unequal in his temper; fometimes you fee him putting on grave looks and a folemn habit, fometimes airy in his behaviour and fantastic in his dress: infomuch that at different times he appears as serious as a judge, and as jocular as a Merry-Andrew. But as he has a great deal of the mother in his constitution, whatever mood he is in, he never fails to make his company laugh.
But fince there is an impoftor abroad, who takes upon him the name of this young gentleman, and would willingly pafs for him in the world; to the end that well-meaning perfons may not be impofed upon by cheats, I would defire my readers, when they meet with this pretender, to look into his parentage, and to examine him ftrictly, whether or no he be remotely allied to TRUTH, and lineally defcended from GOOD SENSE; if not, they may conclude him a counterfeit. They may likewife diftinguish him by a loud and exceffive laughter, in which he feldom gets his company to join with him. For as TRUE HUMOUR generally looks ferious, while every body laughs about him; FALSE HUMOUR is always laughing, whilft every body about him looks ferious. I fhall only add, if he has not in him a mixture of both parents, that is, if he would pafs for the offspring of WIT without MIRTH, or MIRTH without WIT, you may conclude him to be altogether spurious and a cheat.
The impoftor of whom I am speaking, defcends originally from FALSEHOOD, who was the mother of NONSENSE, who was brought to bed of a fon called FRENZY, who married one of the daughters of FOLLY, commonly known by the name of LAUGHTER, on whom he begot that monftrous infant of which I have been here Ipeaking. I fhall fet down at length the genealogical table of FALSE HUMOUR, and, at the fame time, place under it the genealogy of TRUE HUMOUR, that the reader may at one view behold their different pedigrees and relations.
I might extend the allegory, by mentioning feveral of the children of FALSE HUMOUR, who are more in number than the fands of the fea, and might in particular enumerate the many fons and daughters which he has begot in this island. But as this would be a very invidious task, I fhall only observe in general, that FALSE HUMOUR differs from the TRUE, as a monkey does from a man.
First of all, He is exceedingly given to little apish tricks and buffooneries.
Secondly, He fo much delights in mimicry, that it is all one to him whether he exposes by it vice and folly, luxury and avarice; or on the contrary, virtue and wifdom, pain and poverty.
Thirdly, He is wonderfully unlucky, infomuch that he will bite the hand that feeds him, and endeavour to ridicule both friends and foes indifferently. For having but small talents, he must be merry where he can, not where he should.
Fourthly, Being entirely void of reason, he pursues no point either of morality or inftruction, but is ludicrous only for the fake of being fo.
Fifthly, Being incapable of having any thing but mock-representations, his ridicule is always perfonal, and aimed at the vicious man, or the writer; not at the vice, or at the writing.
I have here only painted at the whole fpecies of Falfe Humourifts; but as one of my principal defigns in this paper is to beat down that malignant fpirit, which dif covers itself in the writings of the prefent age, I thall not fcruple, for the future, to fingle out any of the small wits, that infeft the world with fuch compofitions as
are ill-natured, immoral, and abfurd. This is the only exception which I fhall make to the general rule I have prefcribed myfelf, of attacking multitudes; fince every honest man ought to look upon himself as in a ŋatural state of war with the libeller and lampooner, and to annoy them wherever they fall in his way. This is but retaliating upon them, and treating them as they treat others.
SHALL not put myself to any farther pains for this day's entertainment, than barely to publish the letters and titles of petitions from the play-house, with the minutes I have made upon the latter for my conduct in relation to them.
Drury-Lane, April the 9th.
UPON reading the project which is set forth in one of your late papers, of making an alliance between all the bulls, bears, elephants, and lions, which are feparately expofed to public view in the cities of • London and Weftminster; together with the other wonders, fhows, and monsters, whereof you made refpective mention in the faid fpeculation; we the chief actors of this play-house, met and fat upon the faid defign. It is with great delight that we expect the execution of this work; and in order to contribute to it, we have given warning to all our ghofts to get 'their livelihoods where they can, and not to appear among us after day-break of the 16th inftant." We are refolved to take this opportunity to part with every thing which does not contribute to the repre'fentation of human life; and fhall make a free gift of ⚫ all animated utenfils to your projector. The hangings G
Wednesday, April 11.
VIRG. Æn. 3. ver. 583.
you formerly mentioned are run away; as are likewife a fet of chairs, each of which was met upon two legs going through the Rofe tavern at two this morning. We hope, fir, you will give proper notice to the town that we are endeavouring at these regulations; and that we intend for the future to fhow no monfters, but men who are converted into fuch by their own industry and affectation. If you will please to be at the house to-night, you will see me do my endeavour to fhew some unnatural appearances which are in vogue among the polite and well-bred. I am to reprefent, in the character of a fine lady dancing, all the distortions which are frequently taken for graces in mien and gefture. This, fir, is a fpecimen of the 'method we shall take to expofe the monfters which < come within the notice of a regular theatre; and we ' defire nothing more grofs may be admitted by you Spectators for the future. We have cashiered three companies of theatrical guards, and defign our kings fhall for the future make love, and fit in council, without an army; and wait only your directions, whether you will have them reinforce king Porus, or join the troops of Macedon. Mr. Penkethman refolves to confult his Pantheon of heathen gods in oppofition to the 'oracle of Delphos, and doubts not but he shall turn the ⚫ fortunes of Porus, when he perfonates him. I am defired by the company to inform you, that they submit it to your cenfures; and fhall have you in greater ve⚫neration than Hercules was in of old, if you can drive • monfters from the theatre; and think your merit will be as much greater than his, as to convince is more than to conquer.
• I am, Sir,
• Your most obedient fervant,
WHEN I acquaint you with the great pected viciffitudes of my fortune, I doubt not but I shall obtain your pity and favour. I have for many years 'laft paft been thunderer to the play-houfe; and have
not only made as much noife out of the clouds
as any predeceffor of mine in the theatre that ever bore that character, but also have defcended and 'spoke on the stage as the bold thunderer in the Rehearfal. When they got me down thus low, they thought fit to degrade me further, and make me a ghoft. I was contented with this for these two last ⚫ winters; but they carry their tyranny ftill further, and ⚫ not fatisfied that I am banished from above ground, they have given me to understand that I am wholly to depart their dominions, and taken from me even my fubterraneous employment. Now, fir, what I defire ⚫ of you is, that if your undertaker thinks fit to use firearms, as other authors have done, in the time of • Alexander, I may be a cannon against Porus, or elfe provide for me in the burning of Persepolis, or what other method you fhall think fit.
SALMONEUS of Covent-Garden.'
The petition of all the devils of the play-house in behalf of themselves and families, fetting forth their expulfion from thence, with certificates of their good life and converfation, and praying relief.
The merit of this petition referred to Mr. Chr. Rich, who made them devils.
The petition of the grave-digger in Hamlet to command the pioneers in the expedition of Alexander.
The petition of William Bullock, to be Hepheftion to Penkethman the Great.
A widow gentlewoman, well born both by father ⚫ and mother's fide, being the daughter of Thomas Prater, once an eminent practitioner in the law, and of Letitia Tattle, a family well known in all parts of this kingdom, having been reduced by misfortunes to wait on feveral great perfons, and for fome time to be teacher at a boarding-fchool of young ladies, giveth notice to the public, that the hath lately taken a house