Host. Throw me in the channel? I'll throw thee in the channel. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue!-Murder, murder! O Host. Where is your yeoman? Is it a lusty thou honey-suckle villain! wilt thou kill God's yeoman? will a' stand to't? Fang. Sirrah, where's Snare? Host. O lord, ay: good master Snare. Fang. Snare, we must arrest sir John Falstaff. Host. Yea, good master Snare; I have entered him and all. Snare. It may chance cost some of us our lives, for he will stab. Host. Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabbed me in mine own house, and that most beastly in good faith, a' cares not what mischief he doth, if his weapon be out: he will foin like any devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child. Fang. If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust. Host. No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow. Fang. An I but fist him once; an a' come but within my vice ; Host. I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's an infinitive thing upon my score:Good master Fang, hold him sure ;-good master Snare, let him not 'scape. He comes continuantly to Pie-corner, (saving your manhoods,) to buy a saddle; and he's indited to dinner to the lubbar's head in Lumbert-street, to master Smooth's the silkman: I pray ye, since my exion is entered, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long loan for a poor lone woman to bear and I have borne, and borne, and borne; and have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass, and a beast, to bear every knave's wrong. Enter Sir JOHN FALSTAFF, Page, and BAR DOLPH. Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your offices, do your offices, master Fang, and master Snare; do me, do me, do me your offices. Fal. How now? whose mare's dead? what's the matter? officers, and the king's? O thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed; a man-queller, and a woman-queller. Fal. Keep them off, Bardolph. Host. Good people, bring a rescue or two.Thou wo't, wo't thou? thou wo't, wo't thou? do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed! Fal. Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe. Enter the Lord Chief Justice, attended. Ch. Just. What's the matter? keep the peace here, ho! Host. Good my lord, be good to me! I beseech you, stand to me! Ch. Just. How now, sir John? what, are you brawling here? Doth this become your place, your time, and business? You should have been well on your way to York.Stand from him, fellow; Wherefore hang'st thou on him? Host. O my most worshipful lord, an't please your grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit. Ch. Just. For what sum? Host. It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all, all I have: he hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his :-but I will have some of it out again, or I'll ride thee o'nights, like the mare. Fal. I think, I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any vantage of ground to get up. Ch. Just. How comes this, sir John? Fye! what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed, to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own? Fal. What is the gross sum that I owe thee? Host. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself, and thy money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber, at the round table, by a seacoal fire, upon Wednesday in Whitsun-week, when the prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor; thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me, and make me my lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Leech, the butcher's wife, come in then, and call me gossip Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us, she had a good dish of prawns; whereby thou didst desire to eat some; whereby I told thee, they were ill for a green wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with such poor people; saying, that ere long they should call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath; deny it, if thou canst. Fal. My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says, up and down the town, that her eldest son is like you: she hath been in good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. But for these foolish officers, I beseech you, I may have redress against them. | must be fain to pawn both my plate, and the tapestry of my dining-chambers. Fal. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking: and for thy walls,-a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the prodigal, or the German hunting in water-work, is worth a thousand of these bed-hangings, and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou canst. Come, an it were not for thy humours, there is not a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and 'draw thy action: Come, thou must not be in this humour with me; dost not know me? Come, come, I know thou wast set on to this. Host. Pray thee, sir John, let it be but twenty nobles; i'faith I am loath to pawn my plate, in good earnest, la. Fal. Let it alone; I'll make other shift: you'll be a fool still. Host. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown. I hope, you'll come to supper: You'll pay me all together? Fal. Will I live?-Go, with her, with her; Ch. Just. Sir John, sir John, I am well ac-To Bardolph.] hook on, hook on. quainted with your manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng of words, that come with such more than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level consideration; you have, as it appears to me, practised upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses both in purse and person. Host. Will you have Doll Tear-sheet meet you at supper? Host. Yea, in troth, my lord. Ch. Just. Pr'ythee, peace:-Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villainy you have done with her; the one you may do with sterling money, and the other with current repent ance. Fal. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply. You call honourable boldness, impudent sauciness: if a man will make court'sy, and say nothing, he is virtuous: No, my lord, my humble duty remembered, I will not be your suitor; I say to you, I do desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty employment in the king's affairs. Ch. Just. You speak as having power to do wrong but answer in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman. Fal. Come hither, hostess. Fal. No more words: let's have her. Ch. Just. I have heard better news. Fal. I hope, my lord, all's well: What's the news, my lord? Ch. Just. Come all his forces back? Gow. No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred Gow. I must wait upon my good lord here: [Taking her aside. I thank you, good Sir John. Enter GOWER. Ch. Just. Now, master Gower; What news? Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells. Fal. As I am a gentleman ;-Come, no more words of it. Host. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I Ch. Just. Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are to take soldiers up in counties as you go. Ful. Will you sup with me, master Gower? Ch. Just. What foolish master taught you these manners, sir John ? Fal. Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool that taught them me.-This is the right fencing grace, my lord; tap for tap, and so part fair. Ch. Just. Now the Lord lighten thee! thou art a great fool. [Exeunt. Enter Prince HENRY and POINS. P. Hen. Trust me, I am exceeding weary. Poins. Is it come to that? I had thought, weariness durst not have attached one of so high blood. P. Hen. Faith, it does me; though it discolours the complexion of my greatness to acknowledge it. Doth it not show vilely in me, to desire small beer? Poins, Why, a prince should not be so loosely studied, as to remember so weak a composition. Poins. I would think thee a most princely hypocrite. P. Hen. It would be every man's thought: and thou art a blessed fellow, to think as every man thinks; never a man's thought in the world keeps the road-way better than thine: every man would think me an hypocrite indeed. And what accites your most worshipful thought, to think so? Poins. Why, because you have been so lewd, and so much engraffed to Falstaff. P. Hen. And to thee. Poins. By this light, I am well spoken of, I can hear it with my own ears: the worst that they can say of me is, that I am a second brother, and that I am a proper fellow of my hands; and those two things, I confess, I cannot help. By the mass, here comes Bardolph. P. Hen. And the boy that I gave Falstaff: he had him from me christian; and look, if the fat villain have not transformed him ape. Enter BARDOLPH and Page. Bard. 'Save your grace! P. Hen. Belike then, my appetite was not princely got; for, by my troth, I do now remember the poor creature, small beer. But, indeed, these humble considerations make me out of love with my greatness. What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name? or to know thy face to-morrow? or to take note how many pair of silk stockings thou hast; viz. these, and those that were the peach-coloured ones? or to bear the inventory of thy shirts; as, one for superfluity, and one other for use?-but that, the tennis-court keeper knows better than I; for it is a low ebb of linen with thee, when thou keep-you bashful fool, must you be blushing? whereest not racket there; as thou hast not done a fore blush you now? What a maidenly man at great while, because the rest of thy low-countries arms are you become? Is it such a matter, to have made a shift to eat up thy holland: and get a pottle-pot's maidenhead? God knows, whether those, that bawl out the ruins of thy linen, shall inherit his kingdom: but the midwives say, the children are not in the fault; whereupon the world increases, and kindreds are mightily strengthened. Poins. How ill it follows, after you have laboured so hard, you should talk so idly? Tell me, how many good young princes would do so, their fathers being so sick as yours at this time is? " P. Hen. Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins? Poins. Yes; and let it be an excellent good thing. P. Hen. It shall serve among wits of no higher breeding than thine. Poins. Go to; I stand the push of your one thing that you will tell. P. Hen. Why, I tell thee,-it is not meet, that I should be sad, now my father is sick : albeit I could tell to thee, (as to one it pleases me, for fault of a better, to call my friend,) I could be sad, and sad indeed too. Poins. Very hardly, upon such a subject. P. Hen. By this hand, thou think'st me as far in the devil's book, as thou, and Falstaff, for obduracy and persistency: Let the end try the man. But I tell thee,-my heart bleeds inwardly, that my father is so sick and keeping such vile company as thou art, hath in reason taken from me all ostentation of sorrow. Poins. The reason? P. Hen. And yours, most noble Bardolph! Page. He called me even now, my lord, through. a red lattice, and I could discern no part of his face from the window: at last, I spied his eyes; and, methought, he had made two holes in the ale-wife's new petticoat, and peeped through. P. Hen. Hath not the boy profited? Bard. Away, you whoreson upright rabbit,, away! Page. Away, you rascally Althea's dream, away! P. Hen. Instruct us, boy: What dream, boy? Page. Marry, my lord, Althea dreamed she was delivered of a fire-brand; and therefore I call him her dream. P. Hen. A crown's worth of good interpretation. There it is, boy. [Gives him money. Poins. O, that this good blossom could be kept from cankers!-Well, there is sixpence to preserve thee. Bard. An you do not make him be hanged among you, the gallows shall have wrong. P. Hen. And how doth thy master, Bardolph ? Bard. Well, my lord. He heard of your grace's coming to town; there's a letter for you. Poins. Deliver'd with good respect.-And how doth the martlemas, your master? Bard. In bodily health, sir. Poins. Marry, the immortal part needs a physician: but that inoves not him; though that be sick, it dies not. P. Hen. I do allow this wen to be as familiar P. Hen. What would'st thou think of me, if with me as my dog: and he holds his place; for, I should weep? look you, how he writes. Poins. Reads. John Falstaff, knight, Every man must know that, as oft as he has occasion to name himself. Even like those, that are kin to the king; for they never prick their finger, but they say, There is some of the king's blood spilt: How comes that? says he, that takes upon him not to conceive: the answer is as ready as a borrower's cap; I am the king's poor cousin, sir. P. Hen. Nay, they will be kin to us, or they will fetch it from Japhet. But the letter: Poins. Sir John Falstaff, knight, to the son of the king, nearest his father, Harry prince of Wales, greeting-Why, this is a certificate. P. Hen. Peace! Poins. I will imitate the honourable Roman in brevity:-he sure means brevity in breath; shortwinded. I commend me to thee, I commend thee, and I leave thee. Be not too familiar with Poins ; for he misuses thy favours so much, that he swears, thou art to marry his sister Nell. Repent at idle times as thou may'st, and so farewell. Thine, by yea and no, (which is as much as to say, as thou usest him,) Jack Falstaff, with my familiars; John, with my brothers and sisters; and sir John, with all Europe. My lord, I will steep this letter in sack, and make him eat it. P. Hen. That's to make him eat twenty of his words. But do you use me thus, Ned? must I marry your sister? Poins. May the wench have no worse fortune! but I never said so. P. Hen. Well, thus we play the fools with the time; and the spirits of the wise sit in the clouds, and mock us. Is your master here in London? Bard. Yes, my lord. P. Hen. Where sups he? doth the old boar feed in the old frank? Bard. At the old place, my lord; in Eastcheap. Page. Ephesians, my lord; of the old church. P. Hen. What pagan may that be? Page. A proper gentlewoman, sir, and a kinswoman of my master's. P. Hen. Even such kin, as the parish heifers are to the town bull.-Shall we steal upon them, Ned, at supper? Poins. I am your shadow, my lord; I'll follow you. P. Hen. Sirrah, you boy,-and Bardolph ;no word to your master, that I am yet come to town: There's for your silence. Bard. I have no tongue, sir, Page. And for mine, sir,-I will govern it. P. Hen. Fare ye well; go. [Exeunt Bardolph and Page.-This Doll Tear-sheet should be some road. | Poins. I warrant you, as common as the way between Saint Alban's and London. P. Hen. How might we see Falstaff bestow himself to-night in his true colours, and not ourselves be seen? Poins. Put on two leather jerkins, and aprons, and wait upon him at his table as drawers. P. Hen. From a god to a bull? a heavy descension! it was Jove's case. From a prince to a prentice? a low transformation! that shall be mine: for, in every thing, the purpose must weigh with the folly. Follow me, Ned. [Exeunt. For yours,-may heavenly glory brighten it! Became the accents of the valiant; In military rules, humours of blood, him! O miracle of men !-him did you leave, Did seem defensible-so you left him: Never, O never, do his ghost the wrong, To hold your honour more precise and nice With others, than with him; let them alone; i. The marshal, and the archbishop, are strong: Had my sweet Harry had but half their numbers, To-day might I, hanging on Hotspur's neck, :: Have talk'd of Monmouth's grave. North. Beshrew your heart, Fair daughter! you do draw my spirits from me, Lady N. O, fly to Scotland, Till that the nobles, and the armed commons, Then join you with them, like a rib of steel, North. Come, come, go in with me: 'tis with my mind, As with the tide, swell'd up unto its height, [Exeunt. SCENE IV.-London. A room in the Boar's Head Tavern, in Eastcheap. Enter two Drawers. 1 Draw. What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-Johns? thou know'st, sir John cannot endure an apple-John. 2 Draw. Mass, thou sayest true: The prince once set a dish of apple-Johns before him, and told him, there were five more sir Johns: and, putting off his hat, said, I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights. It angered him to the heart; but he hath forgot that. 1 Draw. Why then, cover, and set them down: And see if thou canst find out Sneak's noise; mistress Tear-sheet would fain hear some music. Despatch:-The room where they supped, is too hot; they'll come in straight. 2 Draw. Sirrah, here will be the prince, and master Poins anon: and they will put on two of our jerkins, and aprons; and sir John must not know of it: Bardolph hath brought word. 1 Draw. By the mass, here will be old utis: It will be an excellent stratagem. 2 Draw. I'll see if I can find out Sneak. [Exit. Enter Hostess and DOLL TEARSHEET. Host. I'faith, sweet heart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose But, i'faith, you have drunk too much canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say,-What's this? How do you now? Dol. Better than I was. Hem. Host. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold. Look, here comes sir John. Enter FALSTAFF, singing. Fal. When Arthur first in court-Empty the jordan. And was a worthy king: [Exit Drawer. How now, mistress Doll? Host. Sick of a calm: yea, good sooth. Fal. So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick. Dol. You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me? Fal. You make fat rascals, mistress Doll. Dol. I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I make them not. Fal. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue, grant that. Dol. Ay, marry; our chains and our jewels. Fal. Your brooches, pearls, and owches ;-for to serve bravely, is to come halting off, you know: To come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers bravely: Dol. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself! Host. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet, but you fall to some discord: you are both, in good troth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that must be you: [To Doll.] you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel. Dol. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold.Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again, or no, there is nobody cares. Re-enter Drawer. Draw. Sir, ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with you. Dol. Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come hither: it is the foul mouth'dst rogue in England. Host. If he swagger, let him not come here: |