6 SIR, IA A M fully convinced that there is not upon earth a more impertinent creature than an importunate lover: we are daily complaining of the feverity of our fate, to people who are wholly unconcerned in it; and hourly improving a paffion, which we would perfuade the world is the torment of our lives. Notwithstanding this reflection, Sir, I cannot forbear acquainting you with my own cafe. You must know then, Sir, that even from my childhood, the most prevailing incli⚫nation I could perceive in myfelf, was a strong defire to be in favour with the fair fex. I am at prefent in the one and twentieth year of my age, and fhould have made choice of a fhe bedfellow many years fince, had not my father, who has a pretty good eftate of his own getting, and paffes in the world for a prudent man, been pleafed to lay it down as a maxim, That nothing fpoils a young fellow's fortune fo much as marrying early; and that no man ought to think of wedlock till fix and twenty. Knowing his fentiments. upon this head, I thought it in vain to apply myfelf to women of condition, who expect fettlements; fo that all my 'amours have hitherto been with ladies who had no fortunes: but I know not how to give you so good an idea of me, as by laying before you the hiftory of my life. I CAN very well remember, that at my fchool-miftrefs's, whenever we broke up, I was always for join<ing myself with the mifs who lay in, and was conftantly one of the first to make a party in the play of huf• band and wife. This paffion for being well with the • females ftill increafed as I advanced in years. At the ⚫ dancing-school I contracted fo many quarrels by ftruggling with my fellow-fcholars for the partner I liked beft, that upon a ball-night, before our mothers made their appearance, I was ufually up to the nofe in blood. My father, like a difcreet man, foon removed me from this ftage of foftness to a school of difcipline, where I learnt Latin and Greek. I underwent feveral feverities in this place, till it was thought convenient to fend me to the university; though, to confess the truth, I should • not not have arrived fo early at that feat of learning, but from the discovery of an intrigue between me and my master's houfekeeper; upon whom I had employed my rhetoric fo effectually, that, though fhe was a very elderly lady, I had almost brought her to confent to marry me. Upon my arrival at Oxford, I found logic fo dry, that, instead ⚫ of giving attention to the dead, I foon fell to addreffing the living. My firft amour was with a pretty girl, whom I fhall call Parthenope: her mother fold ale by the town- -wall. Being often caught there by the proctor, I was forced at laft, that my miftrefs's reputation might re'ceive no blemish, to confefs my addreffes were honourable. Upon this I was immediately sent home; but Parthenope foon after marrying a fhoemaker, I was again fuffered to return. My next affair was with my tailor's daughter, who deferted me for the fake of a young barber. Upon my complaining to one of my par⚫ticular friends on this misfortune, the cruel wag made a mere jeft of my calamity, and afked me with a smile, Where the needle fhould turn but to the pole? After this I was deeply in love with a millener, and at last with my bed-maker, upon which I was fent away, or, • in the university-phrase, rufticated for ever. < UPON my coming home, I fettled to my studies fo heartily, and contracted fo great a reservedness by being kept from the company I most affected, that my father thought he might venture me at the temple. WITHIN a week after my arrival I began to fhine again, * and became enamoured with a mighty pretty creature, who had every thing but money to recommend her. Having frequent opportunities of uttering all the foft things which an heart formed for love could infpire me with, I foon gained her consent to treat of marriage; but, unfortunately for us all, in the absence of my charmer, I ufually talked the fame language to her elder fifter, who is also very pretty. Now, I affure you, Mr Spectator, this did not proceed from any real affection I had conceived for her; but being a perfect ftranger to the converfation of men, and strongly addicted to affociate with the women, I knew no other language but that of love. I fhould however be very much obliged to you, if you could free me from the perplexity I am at ⚫ prefent VOL. VIII. N prefent in. I have fent word to my old gentleman in the country, that I am defperately in love with the younger fifter; and her father, who knew no better, poor man, acquainted him by the fame poft, that I had for fome time made my addresses to the elder. Upon this old Tefty fends me up word, that he has heard fo much of my exploits, that he intends immediately to order me to the South Sea. Sir, I have occafionally talked fo much of dying, that I begin to think there is not much in it; and if the old fquire perfifts in his defign, I do hereby give him notice that I am providing myfelf with proper • inftruments for the destruction of defpairing lovers; let him therefore look to it, and confider that by his obstinacy he may himself lose the son of his ftrength, the world an hopeful lawyer, my mistress a paffionate lover, and you, Mr Spectator, Middle-Temple, N° 597. Your conftant admirer, JEREMY LOVEMORE.' Wednesday, September 22. Mens fine pondere ludit. The mind uncumber'd plays. Petr. WINCE I received my friend Shadow's letter, feveral SINC of my correfpondents have been pleased to send me an account how they have been employed in fleep, and what notable adventures they have been engaged in during that moonshine in the brain. I shall lay before my readers an abridgment of fome few of their extravagancies, in hopes that they will in time accuftom themselves to dream a little more to the purpose. One, who ftiles himself Gladio, complains heavily that his fair one charges him with inconftancy, and does not use him with half the kindness which the fincerity of his pasfion may demand; the faid Gladio having by valour and ftratagem put to death tyrants, enchanters, monsters, knights, &c. without number, and expofed himfelf to all manner manner of dangers for her fake and fafety. He defires in his poftfcript to know, whether, from a conftant fuccefs in them, he may not promise himself to fucceed in her efteem at last. ANOTHER Who is very prolix in his narrative writes me word, that having fent a venture beyond fea, he took occafion one night to fancy himself gone along with it, and grown on a fudden the richest man in all the Indies. Having been there about a year or two, a gust of wind that forced open his casement, blew him over to his native country again, where awaking at fix o'clock, and the change of the air not agreeing with him, he turned to his left fide in order to a fecond voyage; but ere he could get on fhipboard, was unfortunately apprehended for ftealing a horfe, tried and condemned for the fact, and in a fair way of being executed, if fome body stepping haftily into his chamber had not brought him a reprieve. This fellow too wants Mr Shadow's advice, who, I dare fay, would bid hini be content to rife after his first nap, and learn to be fatisfied as foon as nature is. THE next is a public-fpirited gentleman, who tells me, that on the fecond of September at night the whole city was on fire, and would certainly have been reduced to afhes again by this time, if he had not flown over it with the new river on his back, and happily extinguished the flames before they had prevailed too far. He would be informed whether he has not a right to petition the lord mayor and aldermen for a reward.. A LETTER dated September the ninth acquaints me, that the writer being refolved to try his fortune, had fasted all that day; and that he might be fure of dreaming upon fomething at night, procured an handsome flice of bride-cake, which he placed very conveniently under his pillow. In the morning his memory happened to fail him, and he could recollect nothing but an odd fancy that he had eaten his cake; which being found upon fearch reduced to a few crumbs, he is refolved to remember more of his dreams another time, believing from this that there may poffibly be fomewhat of truth in them. I HAVE received numerous complaints from feveral de licious dreamers, defiring me to invent fome method of fi lencing those noify flaves, whofe occupations lead them to N 2 take take their early rounds about the city in a morning, doing a deal of mischief; and working ftrange confufion in the affairs of its inhabitants. Several monarchs have done me the honour to acquaint me, how often they have been fhook from their refpective thrones by the rattling of a coach, or the rumbling of a wheel-barrow. And many private gentlemen, I find, have been bawled out of vast eftates by fellows not worth three-pence. A fair lady was juft upon the point of being married to a young, handfome, rich, ingenious nobleman, when an impertinent tinker paffing by forbid the banns; and an hopeful youth, who had been newly advanced to great honour and preferment, was forced by a neighbouring cobler to resign all for an old fong. It has been reprefented to me, that thofe inconfiderable rafcals do nothing but go about diffolving of marriages, and fpoiling of fortunes, impoverifhing rich, and ruining great people, interrupting beauties in the midft of their conquefts, and generals in the courfe of their victories. A boisterous peripatetic hardly goes through a street without waking half a dozen kings and princes to open their fhops or clean fhoes, frequently transforming fceptres into paring fhovels, and proclamations into bills. I have by me a letter from a young ftatefman, who in five or fix hours came to be emperor of Europe, after which he made war upon the great Turk, routed him horfe and foot, and was crowned lord of the univerfe in Conftantinople: the conclufion of all his fucceffes is, that on the 12th instant, about feven in the morning, his imperial majesty was depofed by a chimney-fweeper. On the other hand, I have epiftolary teftimonies of gratitude from many miserable people, who owe to this clamorous tribe frequent deliverances from great misfortunes. A fmall coal-man, by waking of one of these diftreffed gentlemen, faved him from ten years imprifonment. An honeft watchman bidding a loud good-morrow to another, freed him from the malice of many potent enemies, and brought all their defigns against him to nothing. A certain valetudinarian confeffes he has often been cured of a fore throat by the hoarfenefs of a carman, and relieved from a fit of the gout by the found of old shoes. A noify puppy, that plagued a fober gentleman all night long with |