a politician, a traitor, an enemy to his country, and a bl-nd-rb-fs, &c. &c.' THE remaining part of this political treatife, which is written after the manner of the most célebrated authors in Great Britain, I may communicate to the public at a more convenient feafon. In the mean while I fhall leave this with my curious reader, as fome ingenious writers do their enigmas, and if any fagacious perfon can fairly onriddle it, I will print his explanation, and, if he pleases, acquaint the world with his name. I HOPE this fhort effay will convince my readers, it is not for want of abilities that I avoid ftate-tracts, and that if I would apply my mind to it, I might in a little time be as great a master of the political fcratch as any the moft eminent writer of the age. I fhall only add, that in order to outfhine all the modern race of Syncopifts, and thoroughly content my English readers, I intend fhortly to publifh a Spectator, that fhall not have a fingle vowel in it. N° 568. Friday, July 16. ------Dum recitas, incipit effe tuus. Reciting makes it thine. Mart. Epig. 39. 1. r Was yesterday in a coffeehoufe not far from the Royal conference over a pipe of tobacco; upon which, having filled one for my own ufe, I lighted it at the little waxcandle that stood before them: and after having thrown in two or three whiffs amongst them, fat down and made one of the company. I need not tell my reader, that lighting a man's pipe at the fame candle, is looked upon among brother-fmokers as an overture to converfation and friendship. As we here laid our heads together in a very amicable manner, being intrenched under a cloud of our own raifing, I took up the laft Spectator, and cafting my eye over it, The Spectator," fays I, is very witty VOL. VIH. E to-day;' upon which a lufty lethargic old gentleman, who Tat at the upper end of the table, having gradually blown out of his mouth a great deal of fmoke, which he had been collecting for fome time before. 'Ay,' fays he, more witty than wife, I am afraid.' His neighbour, who fat at his right hand, immediately coloured, and being an angry politician, laid down his pipe with so much wrath that he broke it in the middle, and by that means furnished me with a tobacco-stopper. I took it up very Yedately, and looking him full in the face, made ufe of it from time to time all the while he was fpeaking: This fellow,' fays he, can't for his life keep out of politics. Do you fee how he abufes four great men here?" I fix⚫ed my eye very attentively on the paper, and asked him if he meant thofe who were reprefented by asterisks. A < upon fterisks,' fays he, do you call them? they are all of them ftars. He might as well have put garters to them. Then pray do but mind the two or three next lines; ch-rch and p-dd-ng in the fame fentence! our clergy are very much beholden to him.' Upon this the third gentleman, who was of a mild disposition, and, as I found, a Whig in his heart, defired him not to be too fevere the Spectator neither: For,' fays he, you find he is very cautious of giving offence, and has therefore put two dashes into his pudding.' A fig for his dash,' fays the angry politician. In his next fentence he gives a plain innuendo, that our pofterity will be in a sweet p-ckle. What does the fool mean by his pickle? Why does not he write at length, if he means honestly?' "I have read over the whole sentence,' fays I; but I look upon the parenthefis in the belly of it to be the most dangerous part, and as full of infinuations as it can hold. But who,' fays I, is my lady Q-p-t-s?" Ay, anfwer that if you can, Sir,' fays the furious ftatefman to the poor Whig that fat over against him. But without giving him time to reply, I do affure you,' fays he, my lady 2-p-t-s, I would fue him for fcandalum magnatum. What is the world come to? Muft every body be allowed to -?' He had by this time filled a new pipe, and applying it to his lips, when we expected the laft word of his fentence, put us off with a whiff of tobacco; which he redoubled with fo much rage and tre 6 ' 6 were I pidation, pidation, that he almoft ftifled the whole company. After a fhort paufe, I owned that I thought the Spectator had gone too far in writing fo many letters of my lady 2-p-t-s's name: But however,' fays I, he has made a little amends for it in his next fentence, where he leaves a blank space without fo much as a confonant to direct us. I mean,' fays I, after thofe words, the fleet that • used to be the terror of the ocean, fhould be wind-bound "for the fake of a - ; after which ensues a chaẩm, that in my opinion looks modeft enough.' Sir,' fays my antagonist, you may eafily know his meaning by his gaping; 'I fuppofe he defigns his chafm, as you call it, for an hole to creep out at; but I believe it will hardly ferve his turn. "Who can endure to fee the great officers of state, the •B---ys and T---ts treated after fo fcurrilous a manner? "I can't for my life,' fays I, imagine who they are the • Spectator means?? "No!' fays he, 6 -Your hum ble fervant, Sir!' Upon which he flung himself back in his chair after a contemptuous manner, and fmiled upon the old lethargic gentleman on his left hand, who, I found, was his great admirer. The Whig however had begun to conceive a good-will towards me, and feeing my pipe out, very generously offered me the use of his box; but I declined it with great civility, being obliged to meet a friend about that time-in another quarter of the city. Ar my leaving the coffeehouse, I could not forbear: reflecting with myself upon that grofs tribe of fools who may be termed the overwife, and upon the difficulty of writing any thing in this cenforious age, which a weak head may not conftrue into private fatire and perfonal reflection. A MAN who has a good nofe at an innuendo, fmells treafon and fedition in the most innocent words that can be put together, and never fees a vice or folly ftigmatized, but : finds out one or other of his acquaintance pointed at by the writer. I remember an empty pragmatical fellow in the country, who, upon reading over The whole duty of man, had written the names of feveral perfons in the village at the fide of every fin which is mentioned by that excellent author; fo that he had converted one of the best books in the world into a libel against the fquire, churchwardens, overfeers of the poor, and all other the most confiderable. E. 2 confiderable perfons in the parish. This book, with these extraordinary marginal notes, fell accidentally into the hands of one who had never feen it before; upon which there arofe a current report that fomebody had written a book against the fquire and the whole parish. The minifter of the place having at that time a controverfy with fome of his congregation upon the account of his tithes, was under fome fufpicion of being the author, till the good man fet his people right, by fhewing them that the fatirical paffages might be applied to feveral others of two or three neighbouring villages, and that the book was writ against all the finners in England. N° 569.. Monday, July 19. Reges dicuntur multis urgere culullis Et torquere mero, quem perfpexiffe laborent, Hor. Ars poet. v. 434. Wife were the kings, who never chofe a friend, N° Rofcommon. TO vices are fo incurable as those which men are apt to glory in. One would wonder how drunkenness fhould have the good luck to be of this number. Anacharfis, being invited to a match of drinking at Corinth, demanded the prize very humorously, because he was drunk before any of the rest of the company; for, fays he, when we run a race, he who arrives at the goal first is intitled to the reward: on the contrary, in this thirsty generation, the honour falls upon him who carries off the greateft quantity of liquor, and knocks down the rest of the company. I was the other day with honeft Will. Funnell the Weft Saxan, who was reckoning up how much liquor had paffed through him in the laft twenty years of his life, which, according to his computation, amounted to twenty-three hogfheads of October, four ton of Port, half half a kilderkin of fmall beer, nineteen barrels of cyder, and three glaffes of Champagne; befides which he had affifted at four hundred bowls of punch, not to mention fips, drams, and whets without number. I question not but every reader's memory will fuggeft to him feveral ambitious young men, who are as vain in this particular as Will Funnell, and can boaft of as glorious exploits. This OUR modern philofophers obferve, that there is a general decay of moisture in the globe of the earth. they chiefly afcribe to the growth of vegetables, which incorporate into their own fubftance many fluid bodies that never return again to th their former nature; but, with fubmiffion, they ought to throw into their account those innumerable rational beings which fetch their nourishment chiefly out of liquids; efpecially when we confider that men, compared with their fellow-creatures, drink much more than comes to their share. BUT however highly this tribe of people may think of themselves, a drunken man is a greater monfter than any that is to be found among all the creatures which God has made; as indeed there is no character which appears more defpicable and deformed, in the eyes. of all reasonable perfons, than that of a drunkard.. Bonofus, one of our own countrymen, who was addicted to this vice, having fet up for a fhare in the Roman empire, and being defeated in a great battle, hanged himself. When he was feen by the army in this melancholy fituation, notwithstanding he had behaved himfelf very bravely, the common jeft was, that the thing they faw hanging upon the tree before them was not a man but a bottle. THIS vice has very fatal effects on the mind, the body, and fortune of the perfon who is devoted to it. IN regard to the mind, it first of all discovers every flaw în it. The fober man, by the ftrength of reafon, may keep under and fubdue every vice or folly to which he is moft inclined; but wine makes every latent feed fprout up in the foul, and fhew itfelf, it gives fury to the paffions, and force to thofe objects which are apt to produce them. When a young fellow complained to an old philofopher that his wife was not handfome, Put lefs water in your wine, fays the philofopher, and you will quickly make her fo. Wine heightens indifference into love, love |