Prepared all from our numbered pence; if it
Should fail, Meager and I must creep into
Our quondam rags; a transmigration, Pall,
Which our divinity can ill endure.

Mea. If I have more left to maintain a large stomach,

And a long bladder, than one comely shilling,
Together with a single ounce of hope,
I am the son of a carman.

Y. Pal. Do you suspect my prophecies,
That am your mint, your grand exchequer?

Pert. Pall, no suspicions, Pall; but we that embark

Our whole stock in one vessel, would be glad
To have all pirates o' shore, and the winds
In a calm humour.

Mea. How fares the intelligence?

Y. Pal. I left them at the Lady Ample's house;

This street they needs must pass, if they reach home.

Pert. O I would fain project 'gainst the old knight;

Can we not share him too?

Y. Pal. This wheel must move Alone, Sir Morglay Thwack's too rugged yet, He'd interrupt the course; a little more Q' the file will smooth him fit to be screwed up. Pert. Shrink off, Pall, I hear them.

Enter THWACK, Elder PALLATINE.

E. Pal. Thou hast not the art of patient leisure, to

Attend the aptitude of things; wouldst thou
Run on like a rude bull, on every object that
Doth heat the blood? this cunning abstinence
Will make her passions grow more violent.

Thwack. But, Pallatine, I do not find I have
The cruelty, or grace, to let a lady
Starve for a warm morsel.-

[PERT and MEAGER take Elder PALLATINE aside. Y. Pal. Now my fine Pert!

Pert. Sir, we have business for your ear; it may

Concern you much, therefore 'tis fit it be
Particular.

E. Pal. From whom?

Mea. A young lady, sir.

It is a secret will exact much care
And wisdom i' the delivery; you should
Dismiss that gentleman.

E. Pal. A young lady! good!

All the best stars in the firmament are mine. Our coach attends us, knight, i' the bottom of The hither street, you must go home alone.

Thwack. I'll sooner kill a serjeant, choose my
jury

In the city, and be hanged for a tavern bush !
E. Pal. Wil't ruin all our destinies hath built?
Thwack. Come, what are those sly silk-worms
there, that creep

So close into their wool, as they would spin

For none but their dear selves? I hear them name a lady.

E. Pal. You heard them say then, she was young, and what

Our covenants are, remember.

Thwack. Young, how young?

She left her worm-seed, and her coral whistle
But a month since: do they mean so?

E. Pal. Morglay, our covenants is all I ask.
Thwack. May be she hath a mind to me; for
there's

A reverend humour in the blood, which thou Ne'er knew'st; perhaps she would have boys begot

Should be delivered with long beards; till thou Arrive at my full growth, thou'lt yield the world

Nought above dwarf or page.

E. Pal. Our covenants still, I cry!
Thwack. Faith, I'll stride my mule to-morrow,
and away

To the homely village in the north.
E. Pal. Why so?

Thwack. Alas, these silly covenants, you know,
I sealed to in my drink; and certain fears
Lurk in a remote corner of my head,

That say the game will all be your's.

E. Pal. But what success canst thou expect, since we have

Not

yet enjoyed the city a full day? Thwack. I say, let me have woman; be she young

Or old, grandam or babe, I must have woman.
E. Pal. Carry but thy patience like a gentle-

Enter Elder PALLATINE, MEAGER, and PERT, with Lights.

E. Pal. Gentlemen, if you please, lead me no further;

I have so little faith to believe this
The mansion of a lady, that I think
'Tis rather the decays of hell; a sad
Retirement for the fiend to sleep in
When he's sick with drinking sulphur.

Pert. Sir, you shall see this upper room is hung.

E. Pal. With cobwebs, sir, and those so large they may

Catch and ensnare dragons instead of flies,
Where sit a melancholy race of old

Norman spiders, that came in with the Con

queror.

Mea. This chamber will refresh your eyes, when you Have cause to enter it.

[Leads him to look in between the Hangings. E. Pal. A bed and canopy!

There's show of entertainment there indeed;
There lovers may have place to celebrate

Mea. And will, ere time grows older by an hour, Gild all this homely furniture at charge Of her own eyes; her beams can do it, sir.

E. Pal. My manners will not suffer me to doubt.

Pert. We hope so too. Besides, though every

one

That hath a heart of's own may think his plea

sure;

We should be loath your thoughts should throw mistakes

On us, that are the humble ministers

Of your kind stars: for sure though we look not Like men that make plantation on some isle That's uninhabited, yet you believe

We would teach sexes mingle, to increase men. Mea. Squires of the placket, we know you

think us.

27

E. Pal. Excuse my courage, gentlemen; good faith

I am not hold enough to think you so.

Pert. Nor will you yet be woo'd to such mistake.

E. Pal. Not all the art nor flattery you have, Can render you to my belief worse than Myself. Panders and bawds! good gentlemen, I shall be angry if you persuade me to So vile a thought.

Pert. Sir, you have cause,

And in good faith if you should think us such, We would make bold to cut that slender throat. E. Pal. How, sir?

Pert. That very throat through which the lusty
grape,

And savoury morsel in the gamester's dish,
Steal down so leisurely with kingly gust.

Mea. Sir, it should open wide as the widest
oyster

I'the Venetian lake.

E. Pal. Gentlemen, it should. It is a throat I can so little hide

tlemen,

How comes the rest of this blind house so naked, So ruinous, and deformed?

Pert. Pray, sir, sit down:

If you have seen aught strange, or fit for wonder,
It but declares the hasty shifts to which
The poor distressed lady is exposed

In pursuit of your love. She hath good fame,
Great dignity, and wealth, and would be loth'
To cheapen these by making her dull family
Bold witnesses of her desires with you:
Therefore, to avoid suspicion, to this place
She hath sent part of her neglected wardrobe.

On my own shoc.

Pert. Enough, you shall know all:
This lady bath a noble mind, but 'tis

So much o'ermastered by her blood, we fear
Nothing but death, or you, can be her remedy.
E. Pal. And she is young?
Meu. O, as the April bud.

E. Pal. 'Twere pity, faith, she should be cast

tant now

Cannot be given; though you were in compass
Thick as the Alps,28 I must embrace you both:
You've hit the very centre, unto which
The toils and comforts of my studies tend.

Pert. Alas, we drew our arrow but by aim.
E. Pal. Why, gentlemen, I have converted more
Than ever gold or Aretine 29 misled;
I've disciples of all degrees in nature,
From your little punk in purple, to your
Tall canvas girl; from your sattin slipper,
To your iron patten and your Norway shoe.
Pert. And can you mollify the mother, sir,
In a strong fit?

E. Pal. Sure, gentlemen, I can,

E. Pal. Faith, gentlemen, I was

Not bred on Scythian rocks; tygers and wolves I've heard of, but ne'er suck'd their milk; and sure Much would be done to save a lady's longing. Mea. 'Tis late, sir; pray uncase.

[They help to unclothe him. Pert. Your boot; believ't, it is my exercise. E. Pal. Well, 'tis your turn to labour now, and mine

Anon; for your dear sakes, gentlemen, I profess Pert. My friend shall wait upon you to your sheets,

Whilst I go and conduct the lady hither;
Whom, if your holy doctrine cannot well
Reclaim, pray
hazard not her life; you have
A body, sir.

E. Pal. O think me not cruel.

[Exeunt MEAGEr, E. Pal.

serve,

Have any might to edify; would they

samum

store

25 The Alps.-The 4to reads aspes.

Enter MEAGer.

hoards.

Come to; a little room contains them all
At last: so, so, convey them in again.
Because he is my elder brother,

My mother's maidenhead, and a country wit,
He shall not be exposed to bare thighs and a
Bald crown: what noise is that?--

[Knocking within, PERT looks at the Door. Pert. Death! there's old Snore

The constable, his wife, a regiment of halberds,
And Mistress Queasy too, the landlady
That owns this house.

Mea. Belike they've heard our friend,

SCENE I.

Enter SNORE, Mrs SNORE, QUEASY, and Watch

men.

Mrs Snore. Days o' my breath, I have not seen the like!

What would you have my husband do? 'tis past One by Bow, and the bellman has gone twice. Quea. Good Master Snore, you are the constable,

You may do it, as they say, be it right or wrong: 'Tis four years rent come Childermas-eve next. Snore. You see, neighbour Queasy, the doors are open;

Here's no goods, no bawd left; I'd see the bawd. Mrs Snore. Aye, or the whores: my husband's the king's officer,

And still takes care, I warrant you, of bawds
And whores; shew him but a whore at this time
O'night, good man, you bring a bed i'faith.
Quea. I pray, Mistress Snore, let him search
the parish,

They are not gone far, I must have my rent;
I hope there are whores and bawds in the parish.
Mrs Snore. Search now! it is too late; a wo-
man had

As good marry a cowlestaff as a constable,
If he must nothing but search and search, follow
His whores and bawds all day, and never com-
fort

His wife at night: I pr'ythee, lamb, let us to bed. Snore. It must be late; for gossip Nock, the nailman,

Had catechised his maids, and sung three catches And a song, ere we set forth.

[Exeunt.

Flung down thy ware.

Snore. Keep the peace, wife; keep the peace, Mrs Snore. I will not peace; she took my silver thimble

To pawn, when I was a maid; I paid her
A penny a month use.

Quea. A maid! yes, sure;

By that token, goody Tongue, the midwife,
Had a dozen napkins o' your mother's best
Diaper, to keep silence; when she said
She left you at Saint Peter's fair, where you
Longed for pig.

Snore. Neighbour Queasy, this was not
In my time: what my wife hath done since I
Was constable, and the king's officer,
I'll answer; therefore, I say, keep the peace:
And when we've searched the two back room
I'll to bed.

VOL. I.

Peace, wife; not a word.

[Exeunt. Enter Elder PALLATINE clothing himself in haste. E. Pal. 'Tis time to get on wings and fly: Here's a noise of thunder, wolves, women, drums, All that's confused, and frights the ear. I heard Them cry out bawds! the sweet young lady is Surprised sure, by the nice slave her husband, Or some old frosty matron of near kin; Aud the good gentlemen she employed to me Are tortured and called bawds. If I am ta'en, I'll swear I purposed her conversion.

Enter SNORE, Mrs SNORE, QUEASY, and Watch

men.

Snore. Here's a room hung, and a fair bed within;

I take it there's the he-bawd too.

I

Quea. Seize on the lewd thing;

pray, Master Snore, seize on the goods too. Mrs Snore. Who would not be a bawd? they have proper men

To their husbands; and she maintains him
Like any parish deputy.

E. Pal. What are you?

Snore. I am the constable.

E. Pal. Good;-the constable!

I begin to stroke my long ears, and find
I am an ass: such a dull ass as deserves
Thistles for provender, and saw-dust too
Instead of grains: O I am finely gulled.

Mrs Snore. Truly as proper a bawd as a woman Would desire to use.

E. Pal. Master constable,

Though these your squires o' the blade and bill,

seem to

Be courteous gentlemen, and well taught, yet
I would know why they embrace me.
Snore. You owe my neighbour, Mistress Quea-
sy, four year's rent.

Quea. Yes, and for three bed-ticks, and a brass pot,

Which your wife promised me to pay this term; For now, she said, she expects her country custo

mers.

E. Pal. My wife! have I been led to the altar too,

By some doughty deacon?-Ta'en woman by
The pretty thumb, and given her a ring,
With my dear self, for better and for worse,
And all in a forgotten dream?-But for whom
Do you take me?

Snore. For the he-bawd.

E. Pal. Good faith, you may as soon

Take me for a whale, which is something rare, You know, o' this side the bridge.

Mrs Snore. 'Tis indeed;

Yet our Paul was in the belly of one,

In my Lord Mayor's show; and, husband, you remember,

He beckoned you out of the fish's mouth,
And you gave him a pippin; for the poor soul
Had like to have choked for very thirst.

E. Pal. I saw it, and cried out
To let the fish swim in a deeper sea.
O' the city, 'cause they would not be at charge

Mrs Snore. Indeed! why, I was but a tiny
girl then;

I pray how long have you been a bawd here?
E. Pal. Again! how the devil

Am I changed, since my own glass rendered me
A gentleman ?-Well, master constable,
Though every stall's your worship's wooden throne,
Here you are humble, and o'foot, therefore
I will put on my hat; pray reach it me—

[Misses his diamond Hatband.
Death! my hatband! a row of diamonds
Worth a thousand marks! nay, it is time then
To doubt, and tremble too. My gold! my gold!—
And precious stones! [Searches his Pockets.
Mrs Snore. Do you suspect my husband?
He hath no need o' your stones, I praise Hea-
ven!

E. Pal. A plague upon your courteous mid-
night leaders!

Good silly saints, they are dividing now,
And ministering, no doubt, unto the poor.
This will decline the reputation of

My wit, till I be thought to have a less head
Than a justice o' peace. If Morglay hear't,
He'll think me dull as a Dutch mariner.

No med'cine now from thought? Good; 'tis designed.

Snore. Come along, 'tis late.

E. Pal. Whither must I go?

Quea. To the Compter, sir, unless my rent be paid.

Snore. And for being a bawd.

E. Pal. Confined in wainscot walls too, Like a liquorish rat, for nibbling Unlawfully upon forbidden cheese! This, to the other sauce, is aloes and myrrh.— But, master constable, do you behold this ring? It is worth all the bells in your church-steeple, Though your sexton and side-men hung there too, To better the peal.

Snore. Well, what's your request?

E. Pal. Marry, that you will let me go to fetch The bawd, the very bawd that owes this rent; Who being brought, you shall restore my ring, Aud believe me to be an arrant gentleman; Such as in's scutcheon gives horns, hounds, and hawks,

Hunting nags, with tall eaters in blue coats,
Sans number.

Quea. Pray let him go, Master Snore;
We'll stay and keep the goods.

Mrs Snore. Yes, let him, husband; For I would fain see a very he-bawd. Snore. Come, neighbours, light him out. [Exeunt.

Enter Younger PALLATINE, AMPLE, PERT, LUCY, GINET, ENGINE, with Lights.

Amp. A forest full of palms, thy lover, Luce, Merits in garlands for his victory.