Fal. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise. Quick. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine; I must carry her word quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you. Fal. Well, I will visit her: Tell her so; and bid her think what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit. Quick. I will tell her. Fal. Do so. Between nine and ten, say st thou? Fal. Well, be gone: I will not miss her. [Exit. Fal. I marvel, I hear not of master Brook; he sent me word to stay within: I like his money well. O here he comes. Enter FORD. Ford. Bless you, sir! Fal. Now, master Brook? you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford's wife. Ford. That, indeed, sir John, is my business. Fal. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at her house the hour she appointed me. Ford. And how sped you, sir? Ford's wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. Ford. A buck-basket! Fal. By the Lord, a buck-basket: rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasy napkins; that, master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villainous smell, that ever offended nostril. Ford. And how long lay you there? Fal. Nay, you shall hear, master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress, to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door; who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether: next, to be compassed, like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that, a man of my kidney, think of that: that am as subject to heat, as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw; it was a miracle, to 'scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that, — hissing hot, think of that, master Brook. Ford. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate; you'll undertake her no more. Fal. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a birding: I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook. Ford. 'Tis past eight already, sir. Fal. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her : Ford. How so, sir? Did she change her deter- Adieu. You shall have her, master Brook; master mination? Fal. Very ill-favouredly, master Brook. Fal. No, master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love. Ford. What, while you were there? Ford. And did he search for you and could not find you? Fal. You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's approach; and, by her invention and Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. [Exit. Ford. Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake, master Ford; there's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen, and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house: he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box; but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not, shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me, I'll be horn mad. [Exil SCENE I. - The Street. ACT IV. Quick. You do ill to teach the child such words: he teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast enough of themselves, and to call horum: fie upon you! Eva. 'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish christian creatures as I would desires. Mrs. Page. Pr'ythee, hold thy peace. Eva. Shew me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns. Will. Forsooth, I have forgot. Eva. It is ki, kæ, cod; if you forget your kies, your kæs, and your cods, you must be preeches. Go your ways, and play, go. Mrs. Page. He is a better scholar than I thought Ea. No, it is lapis; I pray you remember in what hoa! your prain. Will. Lopis. E. That is good, William. What is he, Wilam, that does lend articles? WL Articles are borrowed of the pronoun; and be thus declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, hæc, Mrs. Ford. Step into the chamber, sir John. [Exit FALSTAFF. Enter Mrs. PAGE. Mrs. Page. How now, sweetheart? who's at home beside yourself? Mrs. Ford. Why, none but mine own people. Mrs. Ford. No, certainly; - Speak louder. [Aside. Mrs. Page. Truly, I am so glad you have no body here. Mrs. Ford. Why? Mrs. Page. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying Peer-out, peer-out! that any madness, I ever yet beheld, seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here. Mrs. Ford. Why, does he talk of him? Mrs. Page. Of none but him; and swears, he was carried out, the last time he searched for him Fal. Good hearts, devise something: any extremity, rather than a mischief. Mrs. Ford. My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above. Mrs. Page. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler too: Run up, sir John. Mrs. Ford. Go, go, sweet sir John: mistress Page and I, will look some linen for your head. Mrs. Page. Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight put on the gown the while. [Exit FALSTAFF. Mrs. Ford. I would, my husband would meet him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears, she's a witch; forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her. Mrs. Page. Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! Mrs. Ford. But is my husband coming? Mrs. Page. Ay, in good sadness, is he; and he talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. Mrs. Ford. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time. Mrs. Page. Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him like the witch of Brentford. Mrs. Ford. I'll first direct my men, what they shall do with the basket. Go up, I'll bring linen for him straight. [Exit. Mrs. Page. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough. We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, Re-enter Mrs. FORD, with two Servants. Mrs. Ford. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him: quickly, despatch. 1 Serv. Come, come, take it up. [Exit. 2 Serv. Pray heaven, it be not full of the knight Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH EVANS. Ford. Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again? - Set down the basket, villain: - Somebody call my wife: You, youth in a basket, come out here!-0, you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me: Now shall the devil be shamed. What! wife, I say! come, come forth; behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching. Page. Why, this passes! Master Ford, you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned. Eva. Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog! Shal. Indeed, master Ford, this is not well; indeed. Enter Mrs. FORD. Ford. So say I too, sir. Come hither, mistress Ford; mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! - I suspect without cause mistress, do I? Mrs. Ford. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty. Ford. Well said, brazen-face; hold it out. Come forth, sirrah. [Pulls the clothes out of the basket Page. This passes! Mrs. Ford. Are you not ashamed? let the clothe alone. Ford. I shall find you anon. Eva. 'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up you wife's clothes? Come away. Ford. Empty the basket, I say. Mrs. Ford. Why, man, why, Ford. Master Page, as I am a man, there was on conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket Why may not he be there again? In my house am sure he is my intelligence is true; my jealous is reasonable: Pluck me out all the linen. Mrs. Ford. If you find a man there, he shall di a flea's death. Page. Here's no man. Shal. By my fidelity, this is not well, maste Ford; this wrongs you. Eva. Master Ford, you must pray, and not fo low the imaginations of your own heart: this jealousies. Ferd. Well, he's not here I seek for. Page. No, nor no where else, but in your brain. Ford. Help to search my house this one time: if I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity, me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of me, As jealous as Ford, that searched a hallow walnut for his wife's leman. Satisfy me ence more; once more search with me. Mr. Ford. What hoa, mistress Page! come you, and the old woman, down; my husband will come into the chamber. Ford. Old woman! What old woman's that? ford Ferd. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do aat know what's brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is; beyond our element: we know nothing. - - Come down, you witch, you hag you; come down I say. Mrs. Ford. Nay, good, sweet husband;-good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman. Enter FALSTAFF in women's clothes, led by Mrs. Page. Mr. Page. Come, mother Prat, come, give me your hand Ford. I'll prat her: Out of my door, you witch, (beats kim.] you rag, you baggage, you polefeuse-tell you. , you ronyon! out! out! I'll conjure you, I'll [Erit FALSTAFF. Mr. Page. Are you not ashamed? I think, you have killed the poor woman. Mrs. Ford. Nay, he will do it: 'Tis a goodly medit for you. Ford. Hang her, witch! Esa. By yea and no, I think, the 'oman is a witch indeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great pard; I spy a great peard under her muffler. follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry Ferd Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, ut thas upon no trail, never trust me when I open Erunt PAGE, FORD, SHALLOW, and EVANS. Mrs Page. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. Mrs. Ford. Nay, by the mass, that he did not; be beat him most unpitifully, methought. Mr. Page. I'll have the cudgel hallowed, and ng o'er the altar; it hath done meritorious ser Mrs. Ford. What think you? May we, with the Mrs. Page. Come, to the forge with it then, shape it: I would not have things cool. [Exeunt. SCENE III.A Room in the Garter Inn. Enter Host and BARDOLPH. Bard. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses: the duke himself will be to-morrow at court, and they are going to meet him. Host. What duke should that be, comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the court: Let me speak with the gentlemen; they speak English? Bard. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you. Host. They shall have my horses; but I'll make them pay, I'll sauce them: they have had my houses a week at command; I have turned away my other guests: they must come off; I'll sauce them: Come. [Exeunt. SCENE IV. -A Room in Ford's House. Enter PAGE, FORD, Mrs. PAGE, Mrs. FORD, and Sir HUGH EVANS. Eva. 'Tis one of the pest discretions of a 'oman as ever I did look upon. Page. And did he send you both these letters at an instant? Mrs. Page. Within a quarter of an hour. Ford. Pardon me, wife: Henceforth do what thou wilt; I rather will suspect the sun with cold, Than thee with wantonness: now doth thy honour stand, In him that was of late an heretick, As firm as faith. Page. But let our plot go forward: let our wives Page. How to send him word they'll meet him in the park at midnight; fie, fie; he'll never come. Era. You say, he has been thrown into the rivers; and has been grievously peaten, as an old 'oman methinks, there should be terrors in him, that he should not come; methinks, his flesh is punished, he shall have no desires. Page. So think I too. Mrs. Ford. Devise but how you'll use him when he comes, warrant of womanhood, and the witness of a good And let us two devise to bring him thither. ecience, pursue him with any further revenge? Mrs Page. The spirit of wantonness is, sure, of wth the him; fine and Mr. Ford. Shall we tell our husbands how we way of waste, attempt us again. have served him? Mrs. Page. There is an old tale goes, that Herne the hunter, Sometime a keeper here in Windsor forest, recovery, he will never, I Doth all the winter time, at still midnight, Ms. Pag. Yes, by all means; if it be but to gures out of your husband's brains. If chain they can find in their hearts, the poor unvirtuous fat You have heard of such a spirit; and well you know, knight all be any further afflicted, we two will still The superstitious idle-headed eld be the ministers. Received, and did deliver to our age, M. Ford, I'll warrant, they'll have him pub- This tale of Herne the hunter for a truth. nod to the jest, should he not be publickly shamed. ely shamed: and, methinks, there would be no pe Page. Why, yet there want not many, that do fear In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak: Mrs. Ford. Marry, this is our device; What shall be done with him? what is your plot? Mrs. Page. That likewise have we thought upon, and thus: Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, Mrs. Ford. And till he tell the truth, Mrs. Page. The truth being known, We'll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit, And mock him home to Windsor. Ford. The children must Be practised well to this, or they'll ne'er do't. Eva. I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my taber. Ford. That will be excellent. vizards. I'll go buy them Mrs. Page. My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies, Finely attired in a robe of white. Page. That silk will I go buy;—and in that time Shall master Slender steal my Nan away, [Aside. And marry her at Eton. Go, send to Falstaff straight. Ford. Nay, I'll to him again, in name of Brook; He'll tell me all his purpose: Sure, he'll come. Mrs. Page. Fear not you that: Go, get us properties, And tricking for our fairies. Eva. Let us about it: It is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries. [Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and EVANS. Mrs. Page. Go, mistress Ford, Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind. [Exit Mrs. FORD. I'll to the doctor; he hath my good will, [Exit. SCENE V.- A Room in the Garter Inn. Host. What would'st thou have, boor? what, thick-skin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap. Sim. Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John Falstaff from master Slender. Host. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed, and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new: Go, knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee: Knock, I say. Sim. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down; I come to speak with her, indeed. Host. Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll call. — Bully knight! Bully sir John! speak from thy lungs military: Art thou there? it is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls. Fal. [above.] How now, mine host? Host. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman; Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourable : Fye! privacy? fye! Enter FALSTAFF. Fal. There was, mine host, an old fat woman, even now with me; but she's gone. Sim. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of Brentford? Fal. Ay, marry, was it, muscle-shell; What would you with her? Sim. My master, sir, my master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain, or no. Fal. I spake with the old woman about it. Fal. Marry, she says, that the very same man, that beguiled master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it. Sim. I would, I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him. Fal. What are they? let us know. Sim. I may not conceal them, sir. Sim. Why, sir, they were nothing but about mistress Anne Page; to know if it were my mas ter's fortune to have her, or no. Fal. 'Tis, 'tis his fortune. Sim. What, sir? Fal. To have her, or no: Go; say, the woman told me so. Sim. May I be so bold to say so, sir? Fal. Ay, sir Tike; who more bold? Sim. I thank your worship: I shall make my mas [Exit SIMPLE ter glad with these tidings. Host. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, sir John Was there a wise woman with thee? Fal. Ay, that there was, mine host; one tha hath taught me more wit than ever I learned befor in my life and I paid nothing for it neither, bu was paid for my learning. Enter BARDOLPH. Bard. Out, alas, sir! cozenage! meer cozenage Host. Where be my horses? speak well of them varletto. Bard. Run away with the cozeners: for so soo as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of my e; and se |