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XXIV. LONDON CRIES.
Tuesday, December 18, 1711.
Linguæ centum sunt, oraque centum,
A hundred mouths, a hundred tongues,
THERE is nothing which more astonishes a foreigner and frights a country squire, than the Cries of London. My good friend Sir Roger often declares, that he cannot get them out of his head, or go to sleep for them, the first week that
he is in town. On the contrary, Will. Honeycomb calls them 10 the Ramage de la Ville, and prefers them to the sounds of
larks and nightingales, with all the music of the fields and woods. I have lately received a letter from some very odd fellow
upon this subject, which I shall leave with my reader, without saying anything further of it. “SIR,
“I am a man out of all business, and would willingly turn my head to anything for an honest livelihood. I have invented several projects for raising many millions of money
without burthening the subject, but I cannot get the parlia20 ment to listen to me, who look upon me, forsooth, as a crack
and a projector; so that, despairing to enrich either myself or my country by this public-spiritedness, I would make some proposals to you relating to a design which I have very much at heart, and which may procure me an handsome subsistence, if you will be pleased to recommend it to the cities of London and Westminster.
“The post I would aim at is to be Comptroller-general of the London Cries, which are at present under no manner of
rules or discipline. I think I am pretty well qualified for 30 this place, as being a man of very strong lungs, of great insight into all the branches of our British trades and manufactures, and of a competent skill in music.
“The Cries of London may be divided into vocal and instrumental. As for the latter, they are at present under a very great disorder. A freeman of London has the privilege of disturbing a whole street, for an hour together, with the twanking of a brass-kettle or a frying-pan.
The watchman's thump at midnight startles us in our beds as much as the breaking in of a thief. The sow-gelder's horn has indeed something musical in it, but this is seldom heard within the 10 liberties. I would therefore propose, that no instrument of this nature should be made use of, which I have not tuned and licensed, after having carefully examined in what manner it may affect the ears of her Majesty's liege subjects.
“Vocal cries are of a much larger extent, and, indeed, so full of incongruities and barbarisms, that we appear a distracted city to foreigners, who do not comprehend the meaning of such enormous outcries. Milk is generally sold in a note above ela, and it sounds so exceedingly shrill, that. it often sets our teeth on edge. The chimney-sweeper is 20 confined to no certain pitch ; he sometimes utters himself in the deepest bass, and sometimes in the sharpest treble ; sometimes in the highest, and sometimes in the lowest note of the gamut. The same observation might be made on the retailers of small coal, not to mention broken glasses or brick-dust. In these, therefore, and the like cases, it should be my care to sweeten and mellow the voices of these itinerant tradesmen, before they make their appearance in our streets, as also to accommodate their cries to their respective wares ; and to take care in particular that those may not make the 30 most noise who have the least to sell, which is
observable in the vendors of card-matches, to whom I cannot but apply that old proverb of 'Much cry, but little wool.'
“Some of these last-mentioned musicians are so very loud in the sale of these trifling manufactures, that an honest splenetic gentleman of my acquaintance bargained with one
of them never to come into the street where he lived : but what was the effect of this contract ? why, the whole tribe of card-match-makers which frequent the quarter, passed by his door the very next day, in hopes of being bought off after the
“It is another.great imperfection in our London cries, that there is no just time nor measure observed in them. Our news should, indeed, be published in a very quick time, be
cause it is a commodity that will not keep cold. It should 10 not, however, be cried with the same precipitation as 'fire':
yet this is generally the case. A bloody battle alarms the town from one end to another in an instant. Every motion of the French is published in so great a hurry, that one would think the enemy were at our gates. This likewise I would take upon me to regulate in such a manner, that there should be some distinction made between the spreading of a victory, a march, or an encampment, a Dutch, a Portugal, or a Spanish mail. Nor must I omit under this head, those
excessive alarms with which several boisterous rustics infest 20 our streets in turnip season; and which are more inexcusable,
because these are wares which are in no danger of cooling upon
their hands. “There are others who affect a very slow time, and are, in my opinion, much more tuneable than the former; the cooper, in particular, swells his last note in an hollow voice, that is not without its harmony: nor can I forbear being inspired with a most agreeable melancholy, when I hear that sad and solemn air with which the public is very often asked, if they
have any chairs to mend ? Your own memory may sug30 gest to you many other lamentable ditties of the same
nature, in which the music is wonderfully larguishing and melodious.
“I am always pleased with that particular time of the year which is
proper for the pickling of dill and cucumbers; but, alas, this cry, like the song of the nightingale, is not heard above two months. It would, therefore, be worth while to consider whether the same air might not in some cases be adapted to other words.
“It might likewise deserve our most serious consideration, how far, in a well-regulated city, those humourists are to be tolerated, who, not contented with the traditional cries of their forefathers, have invented particular songs and tunes of their own : such as was, not many years since, the pastryman, commonly known by the name of the colly-molly-puff ; and such as is at this day the vendor of powder and washballs, who, if I am rightly informed, goes under the name of 10 Powder Watt.
“I must not here omit one particular absurdity which runs through this whole vociferous generation, and which renders their cries very often not only incommodious, but altogether useless to the public; I mean that idle accomplishment which they all of them aim at, of crying so as not to be understood. Whether or no they have learned this from several of our affected singers, I will not take upon me to say ; but most certain it is, that people know the wares they deal in rather by their tunes than by their words ; insomuch, that I have 20 sometimes seen a country boy run out to buy apples of a bellows-mender, and ginger-bread from a grinder of knives and scissors. Nay, so strangely infatuated are some very eminent artists of this particular grace in a cry, that none but their acquaintance are able to guess at their profession ; for who else can know that, 'Work if I had it,' should be the signification of a corn-cutter.
“Forasmuch, therefore, as persons of this rank are seldom men of genius or capacity, I think it would be very proper, that some man of good sense and sound judgment should 30 preside over these public cries who should permit none to lift up their voices in our streets, that have not tuneable throats, and are not only able to overcome the noise of the crowd and the rattling of coaches, but also to vend their respective merchandises in apt phrases, and in the most distinct and agreeable sounds. I do therefore humbly recom
mend myself as a person rightly qualified for this post : and if I meet with fitting encouragement, shall communicate some other projects which I have by me, that may no less conduce to the emolument of the public.
“I am, sir, &c.,
XXV. DISSECTION OF A BEAU’S HEAD.
Tuesday, January 15, 1712.
Tribus Anticyris caput insanabile. -Juv.
A head no hellebore can cure.
I was yesterday engaged in an assembly of virtuosos, where 10 one of them produced many curious observations which he
had lately made in the anatomy of a human body. Another of the company communicated to us several wonderful discoveries, which he had also made on the same subject, by the help of very fine glasses. This gave birth to a great variety of uncommon remarks, and furnished discourse for the remaining part of the day.
The different opinions which were started on this occasion presented to my imagination so many new ideas, that by
mixing with those which were already there, they employed 20 my fancy all the last night, and composed a very wild, extra
I was invited, methought, to the dissection of a beau's head and of a coquette's heart, which were both of them laid on a table before us. An imaginary operator opened the first with a great deal of nicety, which, upon a cursory and superficial view, appeared like the head of another man ;
but upon applying our glasses to it, we made a very odd discovery, namely, that what we looked upon as brains, were not such in reality, but an heap of strange materials wound