want none. Fal. Want no mistress Ford, master Brook, you shall want none. I shall be with her (Í may tell you,) by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant, or go-between, parted from me: I say, I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed. Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, Sir? Fal. Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not-yet I wrong him, to call him poor; they say, the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home. Ford. I would you knew Ford, Sir; that you might avoid him, if you saw him. Fal. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns: master Brook, thou shalt know, I will predominate o'er the pea sant, and thou shalt lie with his wife.-Come to me soon at night:-Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his stile ; thou, master Brook, shalt know him for a knave and cuckold: come to me soon at night. [Exit. Ford. What a damn'd Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says, this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made. Would any man have thought this?-See the hell of having a false woman! my bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names!Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions, the names of fiends: but cuckold! wittolt-cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his wife, he will not be jealous: I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitas bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself: then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises: and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. Heaven be praised for my jealousy!-Eleven o'clock the hour;-I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. Í will about it; better three hours too soon, than ■ minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold! Guard. ✰ Contented Cuckold. [Exit. + Add to his titles. Usquebaugh. Rug. "Tis past the hour, Sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet. Caius. By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible vell, dat he is no come by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come. Rug. He is wise, Sir; he knew, your worship would kill him, if he came. Caius. By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack I vill tell you how I vill kill him. Rug. Alas, Sir, I cannot fence. Enter HOST, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE. Host. To see thee fight, to see thee foin,* to see thee traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my Esculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is he dead, bully Stale? is he dead? Caius. By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of the vorld; he is not show his face. Host. Thou art a Castiliant king, Urinal! Hector of Greece, my boy! Caius. I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come. Shal. He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions: is it not true, master Page? Page. Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace. Shul. Bodykins, master Page, though I now be old, and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one: though we are justices, and doctors, and churchmen, master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women, master Page. Page. Tis true, master Shallow. Shal. It will be found so, master Page. Master doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace; you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman: you must go with me, master doctor. Host. Pardon, guest justice :--A word, monsieur Muck-water.g Caius. Muck-vater! vat is dat? Host. Muck-water in our English tongue is valour, bully. Caius. By gar, then I have as much muckvater as de Englishman :-Scurvy jack-dogpriest! by gar, me vill cut his ears. Host. He will clapper-claw thee tightly bully * Fence, + Cant term for Spaniard. + Terms in Fencing. Drain of a dunghill Caius. Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat? Host. That is, he will make thee amends. Caius. By gar, me do look, he shall clapperde-claw me; for, by gar, me vill have it. Host. And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag. Caius. Me tank you for dat. Host. And moreover, bully,-But first, master guest, and master Page, and eke cavalero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore. [Aside to them. Page. Sir Hugh is there, is he? Host. He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields; will it do well? Shal. We will do it. Page, Shal. and Slen. Adieu, good master doctor. [Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER. Caius. By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page. Host. Let him die: but, first, sheath thy impatience; throw cold water on thy choler: go about the fields with me through Frogmore; I will bring thee where Mrs. Anne Page is, at a farm-house a feasting; and thou shall woo her: Cry'd game, said I well? Caius. By gar, me tank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients. Host. For the which, I will be thy adversary towards Anne Page; said I well? Caius. By gar, 'tis good; vell said. Caius. Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. ACT III. [Exeunt. SCENE I-A Field near Frogmore. Enter Sir HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE. Era. I pray you now, good master Slander's serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for master Caius, that calls himself Doctor of Physic? Sim. Marry, Sir, the city-ward, the parkward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way, but the town way. Era. I most fehemently desire you, you will also look that way. Sim. I will, Sir. Era. 'Pless my soul! how full of cholers I am, and trempling of mind!-I shall be glad, if he have deceived me :-how melancholies I am!-1 will knog his urinals about his knave's costard, when I have good opportunities for the 'ork:-'pless my soul! [Sings. To shallow rivers, to whose falls There will we make our peds of roses, To shallow Heaven prosper the right!-What weapons is he? Sim. No weapons, Sir: There comes my man from Frogmore, over the stile, this way. master, master Shallow, and another gentle Eva. Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms. Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and Slender. Shal. How now, master parson? Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from and it is wonderful. the dice, and a good student from his book, Slen. Ah, sweet Anne Page! Page. Save you, good Sir Hugh! Eva. 'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you! Shal. What! the sword and the word! do you study them both, master parson? Page. And youthful still, in your double and hose, this raw rheumatick day? Era. There is reasons and causes for it. office, master parson. Page. We are come to you, to do a good Eva. Fery well: What is it? Page. Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, person, is at most odds with his own gravity who belike, having received wrong by some and patience, that ever you saw. Shal. I have lived fourscore years and upty, and learning, so wide of his own respect. ward; I never heard a man of his place, graviEva. What is he? Puge. I think you know him; master doctor Caius, the renowned French physician. Eva. Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge. Page. Why? Era. He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,-and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave, as you would desires to be acquainted withal. Page. I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him. Slen. O, sweet Anne Page! them asunder;-here comes doctor Caius. Shal. It appears so, by his weapons:-Keep Enter HOST, CAIUS, and RUGBY. Page. Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon. Shal. So do you, good master doctor. Cains. I pray you, let-a me speak a word vit your ear: Verefore vill you not meet-a me? Era. Pray you, use your patience: In good time. Caius. By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. Era. Pray you, let us not be laughing Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to stogs to other men's humours; I desire you in cry. Melodious birds sing madrigals;— When as I sat in Pabylon,† And a thousand fragrant posies. To shallow friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends:-I will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb, for missing your meetings and appointments. Caius. Diable!-Jack Rugby,-mine Host de Jarterre, have I not stay for him, to kill him? Sim. Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir have I not, at de place I did appoint? Hugh. Era. He's welcome : To shallow rivers, to whose falls— Head + Babyion, the first line of the 139th Psalm, Eva. As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the place appointed; I'll be judgment by mine Host of the Garter. Host. Peace, I say, Guallia and Gaul, French and Welsh; soul-curer and body-curer. Cuius. Ay, dat is very good! excellent! Host. Peace, I say; hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions, and the motions. Shall I lose my parson? my priest? my Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the no-divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful verbs.-Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so:Give me thy hand, celestial; so.- -Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue.-Come, lay their swords to pawn:Follow me, lad of peace; follow, follow, follow. Shal. Trust me, a mad host:-Follow, tlemen, follow. Slen. O, sweet Anne Page! A man may hear this shower sing in the wind!and Falstaff's boy with her!-Good plots!they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming mistress Page, Actæon; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.+ [Clock strikes.] The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search; there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather praised for this, than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm, that Falstaff is there: I will go. gen-Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, HOST, Sir [Exeunt SHAL. SLEN. PAGE, and Hosr. Caius. Ha! do I perceive dat? have you make a de sot* of us? ha, ha! HUGH EVANS, CAIUS, and RUGBY. Eva. This is well; he has made us his vlout-me. ing-stog.t-1 desire you, that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together, to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter." Cuius. By gar, vit all my heart; he promise to bring me vere is Anne Page: by gar, he deceive me too. Eva. Well, I will smite his noddles:-Pray you, follow. [Exeunt. SCENE II.-The Street in Windsor. Enter Mistress PAGE and ROBIN. Mrs. Page. Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to be a follower, but now You are a leader: Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels? Rob. I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man, than follow him like a dwarf. Mrs. Page. O you are a flattering boy; now, I see, you'll be a courtier. bands. Shal. I must excuse myself, master Ford. Slen. And so must I, Sir; we have appointed to dine with mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I'll speak of. Shal. We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer. Slen. I hope, I have your good-will, father Page. Page. You have, master Slender; I stand wholly for you:-but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether. Caius. Ay, by gar; and de maid is love-a me; my nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush. Host. What say you to young master Fenhe writes verses, he speaks holyday,+ he smells ton? he capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, 'tis in his buttons; he will carry't. April and May: he will carry't, he will carry it; Page. Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he kept company with the wild Prince and Poins; he is of too high a region, he knows too much. No, he Ishall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way. Ford. I beseech you, heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a mon-Master doctor, you shall go;-so shall ster. Ford. Where had you this pretty weather-you, master Page;-and you, Sir Hugh. cock? Mrs. Page. I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of: What do you call your knight's name, sirrah? Rob. Sir John Falstaff. Ford. Sir John Falstaff! Mrs. Page. He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a league between my good man and he!-Is your wife at home, indeed? Ford. Indeed, she is. Mrs. Page. By your leave, Sir;-I am sick, till I see her. [Exeunt Mrs. PAGE and ROBIN. Ford. Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep, he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty miles, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. pieces-ou his wife's inclination; he gives her folly motion, and advantage: and now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. He the freer wooing at master Page's. [Exeunt SHALLOW and SLENDER. All. Have with you, to see this monster. [Exeunt Enter Servants with a basket. Mrs. Page. Come, come, come. Mrs. Ford. Believe me, there's no such thing in me. Fal. What made me love thee? let that persuade thee, there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog, and say, thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawMrs. Ford. Marry, as I told you before, John, thorn buds, that come like women in men's apand Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-parel, and smell like Bucklers-bury in simplebouse; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and (without any pause, or staggering,) take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters* in Datchet mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch, close by the Thames' side. Mrs. Page. You will do it? Mrs. Ford. I have told them over and over; they lack no direction: Be gone, and come when you are called. [Exeunt Servants. Mrs. Page. Here comes little Robin. Enter ROBIN. Mrs. Ford. How now, my eyas-musket ?+ what news with you? Rob. My master Sir John is come in at your back-door, mistress Ford; and requests your company. Mrs. Page. You little Jack-a-lent,‡ have you been true to us? Rob. Ay, I'll be sworn: My master knows not of your being here; and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for, he swears, he'll turn me away. Ms. Page. Thou'rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and hose.-I'll go hide me. Mrs. Ford. Do so-Go tell thy master, I am alone. Mistress Page, remember you your [Exit ROBIN. Mrs. Page. I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me. [Exit Mrs. PAGE. Mrs. Ford. Go to then; we'll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watry pumpion; we'll teach him to know turtles from cue. jays. Enter FALSTAFF. Ful. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough; this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour! Mrs. Ford. O sweet Sir John! Ful. Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot Frate, mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish I would thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the best lord, I would make thee my lady. Mrs. Ford. I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady. time; I cannot but I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it. Mrs. Ford. Do not betray me, Sir; I fear, you love mistress Page. Fal. Thou might'st as well say, I love to walk by the Countert-gate; which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln. Mrs. Ford. Well, heaven knows, how I love you; and you shall one day find it. Fal. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it. Mrs. Ford. Nay, I must tell you, so you do or else I could not be in that mind. Rob. [within.] Mistress Ford, mistress Ford! here's mistress Page at the door, sweating, and blowing, and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently. Fal. She shall not see me; I will ensconce‡ me behind the arras. Mrs. Ford. Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling woman.- [FALSTAFF hides himself. Enter Mistress PAGE and ROBIN. What's the matter? how now? done? You're shamed, you are overthrown, you Mrs. Page. O mistress Ford, what have you are undone for ever. Mrs. Ford. What's the matter, good mistress Page? Mrs. Page. O well-a-day, mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion! Mrs. Ford. What cause of suspicion? Mrs. Page. What cause of suspicion ?-Out upon you! how am I mistook in you? Mrs. Ford. Why, alas! what's the matter? Mrs. Page. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman, that, he says, is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence: You are undone. Mrs. Ford. Speak louder.-[Aside]-'Tis not so, I hope. Mrs. Page. Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's coming with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you: If you know yourself clear, why I am glad of it: but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed, call all your senses to you; defend your re putation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever. Fal. Let the court of France show me such another; I see how thine eye would emulate Mrs. Ford. What shall I do?-There is a genthe diamond: Thou hast the right arched bent tleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine the brow, that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-own shame, so much as his peril: I had rather valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance. than a thousand pound, he were out of the Mrs. Ford. A plain kerchief, Sir John: my house. brows become nothing else; nor that well neither. Fal. Thou art a traitor to say so: thou would'st make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent otion to thy gait, in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if fortune thy foe were not; nature is thy friend: Come, thou canst not hide it. Mrs. Page. For shame, never stand you had rather, and you had rather; your husband's here at hand, bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him.-O, how have you deceived me !-Look, here is a basket; if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: Or, it is whitingtime, send him by your twe men to Datchet mead. Formerly chiefly inhabited by druggists + Prison. I Hide. Mrs. Ford. He's too big to go in there: | rion, mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his What shall I do? Re-enter FALSTAFF. Fal. Let me see't, let me see't! O let me see't! I'll in, I'll in;-follow your friend's counsel;-I'll in. Mrs. Page. What! Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight? Fal. I love thee, and none but thee; help me away: let me creep in here; I'll never He goes into the basket; they cover him with foul linen. Mrs. Page. Help to cover your master, boy: Call your men, mistress Ford:-You dissembling knight! Mrs. Ford. What, John, Robert, John! [Exit Robin; Re-enter Servants.] Go take up these clothes here, quickly; Where's the cowlstaff? look, how you drumble:+ carry them to the laundress in Datchet mead; quickly, come. Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH Ford. Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve it.-How now? whither bear you this? Serv. To the laundress, forsooth. Mrs. Ford. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buckwashing. Ford. Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck? Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt Servants with the basket.] Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys : ascend my chambers, search, seek, find out: I'll warrant, we'll unkennel the fox :-Let me stop this way first:-So, now uncape.‡ Page. Good master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much. Ford. True, master Page.-Up, gentlemen ; you shall see sport anon: follow me, gentle[Exit. Eva. This is fery fantastical humours, and jealousies. men. Caius. By gar, 'tis no de fashion of France: it is not jealous in France. Page. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search. [Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS. Mrs. Page. Is there not a double excellency in this? Mrs. Ford. I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John. Mrs. Page. What a taking was he in, when your husband asked who was in the basket! Mrs. Ford. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit. Mrs. Page. Hang him, dishonest rascal; I would, all of the same strain were in the same distress. Mrs. Ford. I think, my husband hath some for special suspicion of Falstaff's being here; I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now. Mrs. Page. I will lay a plot to try that: And we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine. Mrs. Ford. Shall we send that foolish car(What. A staff for carrying a large tub or basket. + Drone Unbag the fox. throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him to another punish Mrs. Page. You do yourself mighty wrong, master Ford. Ford. Ay, ay; I must bear it. Eva. If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgement! Caius. By gar, nor I too; dere is no bodies. Page. Fie, fie, master Ford! are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not have your distemper in this kind, for the wealth of Windsor Castle. Ford. 'Tis my fault, master Page: I suffer for it. Eva. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a 'omans, as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too. Caius. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. Ford. Well-I promised you a dinner :Come, come, walk in the park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you, why have done this.-Come, wife ;come, mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me. Page. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast; after, we'll a birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush: Shall it be so? Ford. Any thing. Eva. If there is one, I shall make two in the company. Caius. If there be one or two, I shall makea de turd. Eva. In your teeth: for shame. Ford. Pray you go, master Page. Era. I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the lousy knave, mine host. Caius. Dat is good; by gar, vit all my heart. Eva. A lousy knave; to have his gibes, and his mockeries. [Exeunt. |