A NIGHT AT THE SMUGGLER'S.

"O we'll hae the gude French wine,
We'll hae the brandy and tea,
And in spite o' the law and excise,
We'll drink 'em duty free."

Old Cumbrian Ballad.

In the afternoon of a very cold October day, about five and twenty years ago, I left the town of Workington with a single companion, our intention being to reach Maryport that night by the road along the sea shore. As the shades of evering began to close around us, we found ourselves upon a desolate common, one isolated habitation only being in view; it was the "Coin House."

The Coin House is, or rather was, an old and nearly ruined building, standing alone upon the wild and barren waste, about halfway betwixt Workington and Maryport; it fronted the Irish Sea, and in high tides, or stormy weather, the ocean spray flew over its

turf-built roof.

and tired, a little spirit and water would be very acceptable." "And wha may ye be," responded the woman, in a shrill Cumbrian, or rather Scottish accent, "that expect to get the wee drap o' gude liquor frae the like o' us ?" "Tush, tush, my good woman," replied I, “ 'ye have nothing to fear; we are honest folk, and neither excisemen nor informers; you may produce the free trader's spirit without any dread. "That may be, sirs," said the female, "and for ought I ken, ye may be canny folk enough; but ye'll guess there be plenty o' uncanny folk wandering here awa, ready to take advantage of a puir body's attempt to get a living by ways that the Justice may say are na oure muckle honest, an' it behoves the likes o' us to be wary and guarded; not that I mean to say there is onything to fear frae gentlemen o' ye're appearance, but ye ken we canna be too cautious." "My good dame," replied I, "there is such a thing as being over-cautious, and I'm sure when I tell you that we are going to be the guests of Mr.

at Maryport, you will think so; for I warrant, long before bed-time, we shall, in his house, have had a pretty good stock both of cheap brandy and Hollands."

As we approached the gloomy building, my companion, who had never travelled this way before, eyed it very inquisitively, and then remarked, "Well, if ever man did meet witches on the blasted heath, this would be a proper spot for the purpose, and yonder ruined cot- "Ye yellow d-1!" cried the man, who had tage a fitting place for their nocturnal devil- not before spoken, "will ye hae done wi' yere tries; it looks as though ghosts alone were its objections, and gie the gentlemen what they inhabitants." want; I'se warrant we's nae rue letting them "I know not," returned I, laughing, "whe-hae a drap o' free brandy." The woman apther it be the habitation of ghosts or not, but proached her lord and master, and whispered of this I am certain, that many an honest gen-something to him, of which I could only catch tleman has raised spirits in it, and with your the words, "may be expected to arrive every good leave we will try if we cannot succeed as well as our predecessors."

Being at that moment close to the door, we made bold to enter, and in a long low room, that served "for parlor, and kitchen, and all,” | and was bedecked with fishing-nets, boathooks, old sails, and other articles that betrayed the ostensible profession of its proprietor, we found a rough-looking, hard-featured, strong-limbed man, about fifty or fifty-five years old. He was dressed in a blue jacket and trousers, and his weather-beaten visage showed that he had, during the course of his life, fought through many a tough gale. A tall haggard looking female, somewhat under his own age, was his only companion. I cannot describe the unearthly hue of her countenance better than by comparing it to a stewed muscle; to water, her neck, face, and arms had long been strangers; in short, I know not that I ever before saw a being, bearing "the human face divine," of a more forbidding appearance. These persons apparently formed the only inhabitants of the lonely dwelling.

Upon entering, I addressed the witch-like female by the title of "my good dame," and asked her "if she could sell me a couple of glasses of French brandy; for, as we had walked from Workington, and were both cold

minute;" but whatever was the purport of her speech, he heeded it not, for suddenly rising from his seat, he seized a boat-hook, and exclaimed, “Haud yere tongue, ye blatherin' jade, and fetch the brandy directly, or I’se mak yere bones feel the weight o' this boat-hook, and no mistake; am I to be eternally browbeaten and contradicted by a crazy half-witted noddy like yeresel?" The woman, with evident marks of reluctance in her countenance, left the room to obey his orders, and the husband then apologized for his apparent roughness, adding, that he did not mean to strike her with the boat-hook, but only intended to frighten her into compliance. "Puir woman,' continued he, "She's not at all times sound in her upper works, and then if she taks a crotchet into her head the d-1 himself can't drive it out. She's afraid that ye'll inform of a puir fellow, but I know better; so sit ye down by the fire, and the old dame will be here with the brandy in the setting of a top'gan't-sail.” The words were scarcely out of his mouth, before the woman re-entered with a quart bottle of brandy, which she placed upon the table without saying a word, and then retiring to one corner of the chimney, she began to knit, but at times continued to eye myself and friend with looks that fully denoted there was but little good-will for us in her composition.

We, however, unheeding the sulky looks of our landlady, assisted ourselves without scruple to the smuggler's brandy, and in this occupation our host, notwithstanding the forbidding glances of his better half, freely participated. Whilst we were drinking the second round, the wind began to sigh and moan, and at intervals blew with such violence as though it intended not to leave one stone of the crazy building upon another. It was now quite dark, and I stept forth to look at the weather: large heavy drops of rain were falling, and before I could re-enter the cottage, they had increased to a most tremendous shower: in short, to borrow the language of Burns,

"The wind blew as 'wad blaw its last,
The rattlin' showers rose on the blast,
That night a wean might understand,

The de'il had business on his naud."

were ready for eating. Upon flukes cooked in this primitive manner, plenty of oaten bread and butter, and some most excellent tea, we managed to make a very comfortable repast, nothing the worse because the tea was drunk out of half-pint cups, and minus cream; but for that, the brandy formed a very good substitute. I know not how it arises, but certainly if there is any degree of sociability in a person's disposition, an enlivening cup of tea is sure to draw it out, and so it was with our hostess, who joined us in the meal, and during its continuance, lost much of the reserve that she had hitherto maintained.

The storm still continued to rage with unabated fury, and we, being determined to make ourselves happy whilst it lasted, as soon as the tea equipage was removed, again commenced operations upon the brandy, and the landlord, to add to our stock of comforts, produced two or three dingy tobacco pipes, and a seal-skin pouch of real kannuster; this was totally an unexpected enjoyment, and the room was soon filled with volumes of curling smoke from our steamers.

"You see, gentlemen," said our host, "that puir as ye ma' think this cottage is, I am na' without some o' the comforts o' life." The brandy he had taken began to make him very communicative: he related several anecdotes of his former life, and pretty plainly hinted at his present profession.

Just as I was returning into the house, a child came to the door, and we entered the kitchen together; it was a pretty little girl about ten years old, the sole offspring, as I afterwards understood, of our entertainers: she came from the neighboring village of Flimby, whither she regularly went to school. On seeing the little girl, the mother rose from her seat, and clasping the child in her arms, eagerly exclaimed, "Ah, my puir bairn, art not wet through thae night?"-"Nae, mither," replied the child, "the rain 'gan noe to fau' fast 'tull I reached hame;" without uttering another word, the mother placed her little one on a low stool by her side, and provided her with a porringer of By this time the night was pretty far spent, sweet milk and some buttered oaten bread, on and I quitted the house to have a second peep which the young girl began to make a very at the weather, as we wished very much to hearty meal. Landlord," said I, on resum-reach Maryport, if possible, that evening; the ing my seat by the capacious fireplace, "it is wind had in a great measure fallen; but the altogether impossible for my friend and my- rain still continued with undiminished vioself to leave your house whilst this soaking lence. rain continues, and, for aught I see to the contrary, it may continue a pretty while, cannot you, therefore, extend your hospitality, and furnish us with something to eat?"

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Whilst I stood in the doorway with my face turned to the sea, I saw several blue lights suddenly thrown up; I hastened to our landlord, and told him in a hurried manner, "that "'Deed that I can, and quickly too," cried there was a vessel in the offing in distress, and the good-natured fellow, "my old dame has that she was exhibiting blue lights as signals." some tea in her possession, that I ken ye wad "What's that you say?" said the fisherman; na be able to match in the Black Lion, at "blue lights! why, Meg, can it be?" "To Whitehaven; come, Meg," continued he, "stir be sure it is," replied Meg; "did I not tell yer stumps, put on the kettle, an' gie the gen-you? but ye'll nevir be advised. If I might tlefolk some o' yer best gunpowder; we'll show hae had my will, they wad hae been at hame them what kind o' tea an auld Cumberland noo, instead o' kenning what its likely they cottage can furnish." The woman silently will ken, lang afore sunrise." Weel, weel, obeyed her husband's directions, whilst he, Meg," answered the husband gruffly, "let's raising his hand to the roof, from which hung hae na mair o' that, ye aye ken I will hae my a large quantity of dried flukes, took down ain way;" so saying, he took some rockets several of the finest, and said, Perhaps, from an old oaken chest, and with a blazing gentlemen, ye'll be able to eat some o' these piece of pine waving in his hand, hastened flukes and buttered cakes to yer tea." "That into the open air, and I, curious to witness his we can," replied I, "and the sooner you have proceedings, in spite of the woman's remonthem cooked the better.". Upon this our host strances, instantly followed him. left the room for a moment or two, and returned with an armful of oaten straw; this he placed upon the house floor, and throwing the flukes into the middle of the bundle, set it on fire, and when the straw was consumed, the fish

On looking towards the sea board, we saw the vessel, or whatever it might be, still throwing up blue fires; and the fisherman, whilst he replied to them by lights of a similar description, said, “Its nae wreck, sir, that sends

up yon rackets, but one o' the finest little craft that evir ran a cargo betwixt St. Bees and Skimburness."

We then turned our eyes towards Flimby, and saw two rockets ascend in that direction, "It's a' right noo," cried the smuggler, "the game's alive, an' in half an hoor the hale kintra for miles roun' will ken that the free trader is upon the coast; but let's noo gang back till the hoose, for there's naething mair to be done this gae while."

bear the ills we had than to fly to others that we knew not of."

By this time the smuggler had returned, with his arms full of straw. This he threw down on the floor, as near to the fire as he dared, and spreading thereon some old sails, we stretched ourselves upon this wretched substitute for a bed without undressing, and our host proceeded to cover us with one or two large Scotch cloaks, so that we lay warm and comfortable enough. Having repeated I followed him into the kitchen, and upon his caution, that "if anything happened during entering it, the smuggler thus addressed his the night, we should hear, see, and say wife-Dame, do ye an' the bairn gang tull nothing," he mixed a couple of cups of warm bed directly, an' if onything be wantin' thae brandy and water, and upon giving them to night, I'll ca' ye up. Let's hae nae words," us, he requested that we would endeavour to seeing that she was about to remonstrate; obtain a little sleep, adding, that we had "do as I bid ye, or maybe ye's rue it." The nothing to fear, and that he would pledge his woman obeyed without a murmur; then turn- life for our safety. Having said thus, the ing to us, he thus continued his discourse-smuggler threw himself into an old arm-chair, "It's likely enough, gentlemen, that ye ken and as he speedily fell asleep, we were conwe are to land a cargo thae night, awfu' as it vinced that we might without immediate apis, an' I should certainly hae bin verra glad o' prehension of danger, follow his example. ye're room, instead o' ye're company. But In this situation, it may readily be supposed what can I do? Was I to turn ye out ye'd that our slumbers were not of a very refreshing lose ye're way, an' perhaps ye're lives too, on nature, we, however, did sleep by fits and this dreadfu' night; an', smuggler though I snatches, but after lying about three hours, am, I hae still some sma' matter o' humanity we were awoke, for good, by a heavy knockin my breast; an' I wad na turn a dog outing at the door, whilst, at the same time, a this weather, let alone a Christian. I's sorry there's nae bed i' th' hoose, but that whar the wife an' bairn sleep; but, however, I'll do my best to mak' ye comfortable; an' if onything particular should happen during the night, if awake, ye maun hear, see, an' say naething." We offered, at all hazards, to leave the cottage, rather than put him to any inconvenience or trouble on our account. "Nae, nae," returned he, "that will never dae; I wad na hae ye're lives to answer for gin I might hae the cutter an' her hale cargo." Thus saying he quitted the room.

When the smuggler was gone my friend remarked, "I think we are in a pretty predicament; but it's all your fault; if you had not been so fond of raising spirits we should, at this moment, have been snug in our beds at Maryport." "It is a fit thing, indeed, for you to reproach me," said I, “who have been quite as partial to raising spirits as myself. But it's useless to recriminate; we have had our pleasure and if pain follows we must bear it patiently; but from what I have yet seen of our good-natured host, I think there is nothing to fear; so don't be down-hearted, man; "screw up your courage to the sticking place,' and I warrant this formidable adventure will, in the end, prove only a laughing matter." This I said to cheer the spirits of my comrade, who, to use a vulgar expression, had begun to funk most terribly; for as to myself, I was very little satisfied with our situation, but to turn out upon the moor, on such a wild and stormy night, would have been madness; and, with Shakspeare, I thought “it was better to

hoarse rough voice loudly shouted "Hilloa! house a hoy!" Upon this the smuggler instantly rose, and as he passed our bed in a low voice said, "Gentlemen, if ye be awake tak nae notice of what ye see or hear; be silent an' ye'll meet wi' nae harm." He then opened the door, and four rough looking fellows, dressed like sailors, with pistols in their belts and cutlasses by their sides, immediately entered the cottage, each of them being heavily laden with four five-gallon kegs, which, from their appearance, I judged to contain Hollands; after depositing their burthens on the floor they severally shook hands with our landlord, and one of them exclaimed, “By H—, Jock Anderson, it has blown great guns all night, it's surprising how well the cutter has weathered it: at one time I never thought we should have been able to land a package, but the wind having lulled, and the swell moderated, we ventured through with one boat load." "Ye're frae Rotterdam I guess this trip," said Jock Anderson. "Ay, ay, lad,” replied the first speaker, "and we've a pretty tolerable cargo of gin, tea, and tobacco, besides a little lace, and some other trifling articles; but how the d-1 does it happen that it is now past two o'clock, and there's ne'er a cart upon the shore yet?" "One can hardly expect them in such weather as this," answered Jock

"Expect them, nonsense;" returned the captain, "it's the best weather in the worldfor a free trader; it keeps the hawks at home but who the deuce have we here?" pointing to us; "is this your caution, Jock Anderson By G- you will sometime or other ruin us

able of clowns, and in general request from the prince to the apprentice for his social and comic qualities, was equally unfortunate in this respect. It is related of him that meeting a friend one day shortly after he had taken his accustomed "benefit" at the Italian Opera-house, his friend, knowing the usual ill-luck that attended him on such occasions, inquired somewhat anxiously what had been his success.

with these tricks."-"Pshaw, pshaw," replied admired as he ever was, never made a good Jock, “they are only a couple of honest gen-benefit; and old Delpini, the most companiontlemen, who were benighted in the storm, and I sheltered them; I could na' do less; and had the muckle de'il hissel' knocked at the door, I wad na hac turned him fra it in such weather. I dosed them pretty well wi' brandy, an' they're sleeping as soundly as tho' they niver meant to wake again." "I'll see to that," said the captain; "and if they are awake, why hang me if I don't give them a mittimus to the other world." Upon this he approached our bed, with the candle in his hand; but we having taken Jock Anderson's hint, betrayed every outward and visible sign of sound sleep; the smuggler held the candle over us for a moment or two, and then muttered, "Ay, ay, they're fast as a church; there's no fear of them, for some hours at least: besides, they do seem to be honest lads enough."-"I tell ye, Harding," Ah, begar, oui, yes-but I shall tell you responded our friend Jock, "ye hae naethin' all about him. You see, amico mio, I lose a to fear frae them; the young men are bound hondred pound de last time I take de bénéfice, on a visit to your good friend, Mr. -, of but dis time I only lose de forty po ind; so Maryport: so ye may rest satisfied that they're | dat I get de sixty pound quite clear."

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"What sort of a benefit had you this time, Delpini?" said he.

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Oh, begar, grand bénéfice, very good bénéfice, indeed," returned our Scaramouch, I get sixty pound by him dis time."

Ah, indeed! I congratulate you; but how did you manage to do that?"

not likely to turn informers, even though they But to return to Elliston-as may be supshould awake."-" Well, well," returned Har-posed he was much interested in the success ding, for this time all may be right; but the of the night in question, but there was anopitcher that goes too often to the well gets ther person quite as much interested, and this broken at last; i'd still have you, friend Jock, was a certain wine-merchant and bill-discountto be a little more cautious: and now," addres-er of the town, whom we shall take the lising his discourse to the other three men, "do berty of calling Sloejuice, though his real ye go to the boat, bring as much as ye can name is well known. This worthy was in carry, whilst Jock and I stow away the cargo." the habit of cashing hopeful young gentleThe men obeyed his orders, and the two smug- men's post obit bills, at the moderate discount glers being left alone, removed the old lumber- of some fifty or sixty per cent.; being content ing chest of drawers, and raised a flag, which on this "consideration" to wait till the death displayed the entrance into a vault. Jock of their honored sires: a consummation he descended into the cavity, and the captain devoutly endeavored to hasten, whenever he handed him the kegs; the other smugglers had an opportunity, by furnishing them with soon returned with more kegs and some pack-a liberal quantity of his fine old port fresh ages of tea and tobacco. As they were from his own cellar, neat as concocted, its securely depositing them in the vault, the crust and bees'-wing being manufactured serumbling of carts was plainly heard. "Ah, cundam artem. ah," said the captain, "there are our friends at last; let us hasten to meet them." Upon this they closed the entrance into the vault, replaced the chest of drawers, and taking care to lock the door on the outside, left my friend and myself alone in the cottage kitchen.

(To be continued.)

HOW TO DIDDLE A SCREW.

This Mr. Sloejuice, in the technical slang of his craft, had smashed two or three bits of stiff for our friend Elliston; in other words he had discounted two or three bills for him, on the most moderate terms of course, be sides supplying him with a few dozens of London particular Madeira-particular for nothing else than being really London Madeira, composed as it was in Mincing Lane, of approved Cape, properly devilled with alcohol, &c. &c. The public not having accepted Mr. Elliston's bills quite so freely as he had done those of Mr. Sloejuice, "No effects" was the natural consequence, and Mr. Soejuice's account had amounted with interest, &c., to

Ir was verging, one summer in the early part
of Elliston's career, towards the close of the
theatrical season of one of his many country
theatres, and the reputed best night in the
whole year had been appropriated to the benefit
of our manager, who had provided an exceed-about eighty pounds.
ingly tempting bill of fare for the occasion.

Elliston was a universal favorite, and his benefits invariably proved bumpers; which is not always the case with popular actors. Dowton, though quite as good an actor in private as in public life, and excellent and

VOL. II.-AA

The bill-discounter had read Elliston's announced benefit bill with great interest, though instead of being headed for the benefit of Mr. Elliston, he thought it ought to have been headed for the benefit of himself, he having fully determined that the whole of his de

mand should be liquidated out of the night's receipts. Accordingly he applied to a legal friend of his, who lived in the town, through whose agency a tickler for the comedian was immediately placed in the respectable hands of Mr. Lumber, one of the principal bodyborrowers of the place, who with his faithful follower, Mr. Bill Shackle, playfully called Nabbs by his intimates, soon after departed under the immediate surveillance of Mr. Sloejuice himself, and his foreman, clerk, and cooper, Mr. Broadfist, to hunt after their man, whom they (fortunately as they thought) picked up as he was returning from a late rehearsal, and within an hour of the usual time of opening the doors.

But," said Elliston, "the receipts of the house will be sure to be considerably more than your demand. However, since it seems nolens volens, give me a ten pound note, and a release of the present action-which of course will be a settlement of your debt, and I consent. You will have no objection to let me place my own check-takers, I suppose?"

pounds."

"Indeed but I shall, though," cried Mr. Sloejuice, knowingly: "No, no, Mr. Elliston, I take the money myself in the front of the "Vell, I'm blowed," said Mr. Lumber, house to-night, and place my own check-takfamiliarly tapping the comedian on the shoul-ers, or its no go-I don't mind giving the ten der, "but this ere is apropos; you are the wery identical gent as ve vas a looking arter." "The familiar scoundrel!" muttered the disconcerted actor between his teeth. "Plaguey unlucky-the doors just on the point of open ing, too. Can't this business be settled any how, my friend?"

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"Well, well," said Elliston, "needs must, you will have your own way I see-but as it is near time of opening the doors, and I've got to give a few directions behind, if the thing is to be done, let it be done at once." Ay, ay," said Mr. Lumber, "that's vot "To be sure it can-nothing so easy," re-I calls quvite right and equivocable, Mr. Ellisturned Mr. Lumber, "you have only got to ton; so ve'll just step into the Dolphin here, pay down the debt and costs-seventy-eight and over a bottle of your best black strap, pounds and no mistake, vith any little com- Mr. Sloejuice, ve can prepare the dockeyments pliment you like for my being so wery civil; and conclude the business all reglar." and as the office is already sarched, vhy I stashes this ere bit of parchment in a jiffy, and then the job's done-I likes to make things agreeable."

This was agreed to; the bottle of black strap was duly brought-which did not belie its name, being an ingenious brewage of vin ordinaire and logwood, doctored with a due This mode of settlement, however, neither proportion of B.B.-British brandy, and alsuited Elliston's pocket nor his inclinations; most thick enough to be cut with a knife.he talked of the usurious interest that had Over this precious decoction the dockeyments, been exacted, the infamous quality of the as Mr. Lumber called them, were regularly Madeira that had been supplied, &c., and pro- drawn up and signed, the bottle was emptied, posed to give a cognovit at a month. Mr. Sloe and Elliston received his release from Mr. juice, on his part, strongly objected to any Sloejuice's demand, together with ten pounds. mode of settlement but that of money down; He then proceeded, according to his agree be dwelt on Elliston's want of faith, the num-ment, to put the man of dregs and discount ber of times the bills had been renewed, and declared the affair must now be finally brought

into full possession of the front of the house, with all the emoluments and advantages thereunto accruing, to be received by him for his own use and benefit, "for that night only."

Mr. Sloejuice was forthwith formally installed into the money-box, and supplied with a sufficient quantity of brass checks, soon to be exchanged, as he fondly thought, for gold and silver. His fingers perfectly itched at the

"More, more than enough," said Elliston; "it will hold nearly a hundred pounds, pro perly packed, and I know it will be crammed. Only let me act to night, and I will pay you évery farthing on the conclusion of the per-idea. formance-nay, more,—give you a bonus into the bargain."

"No, no," cried Mr. Sloejuice, "I can't trust you, Mr. Elliston; you forget, Sir, you are a telegraph-actor-in Bath one night, in London the next. If I was to let you play to-night, you'd be up to town to-morrow morning, and then it would be all up with me and the receipts."

"Wery just," returned Mr. Lumber, "so you see it's no go, Muster Elliston-ve're all on us up to you, sir."

There was but one entrance to the payplace, from which other entrances conducted to the different parts of the house-a common thing in provincial theatres.

Mr. Lumber was placed as check-taker at the gallery door, he being supposed to be more capable of tackling the gods, should they prove at all uproarious, being a known good one with a rum customer. Mr. Broadfist, the cooper, having been used to check the cellar, was placed to watch over the interests of the pit, while Mr. Nabbs begged permission to