Pitying his ignorance, our friend informed him its literal meaning is, "Sir, come spicy."

"Where does the

First class in astronomy, stand up. sun rise?"" Please, Sir, down in our meadow; I seed it yesterday mornin'."-" Hold your tongue, you dunce. Where does the sun rise?"-" I know--in the East.""Right. And why does it rise in the East?"-"Because the "East makes everything rise.""" Out, you booby, and just wipe your nose."

Court Scene." Sir," said a fierce lawyer, "do you, on your oath, swear that this is not your handwriting?" "I reckon not," was the reply. "Does it resemble your writing ?" "Yes, I think it don't." "Do you swear that it don't resemble your writing ?" "I do!" "You take your oath that this writing does not resemble yours in a single letter ?” "Y-e-a-s, Sir !" "Now, how do you know ?" "Cause I can't write, Sir!"

"I think our Church will last a good many years yet," said a Deacon to his Minister; "I see the sleepers are very sound."

Why would a person who had never seen the Queen except on the postage stamps, judge that she was an affectionate disposition? Because the adhesiveness at the back of the head is quite remarkable.

"Paddy, do you know how to drive ?" said a traveller to the Phaeton of a jaunting car. "Sure I do," was the answer. "Wasn't it I upset yer honour in a ditch two years ago?"

" Do you know what made my voice so melodious?" said a celebrated vocal performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. "No," replied the other. "Why, then, I'll tell you. When I was about fifteen, I swallowed, by accident, some train-oil." "I don't think," rejoined

Bannister, "it would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had swallowed a dancing master!"

An English gentleman was at a brilliant assembly of the élite of Vienna, where a distinguished lady of that city frequently amused herself and her immediate circle of friends, by saying smart and uncourteous things to annoy him. "By the way," added she, "how is it that your countrymen speak French so imperfectly? We Austrians use it with the same freedom as if it were our native tongue. "Madame," retorted he, but with the blandest manner possible, "I know not, unless it be that the French army have not been twice to our capital to teach it; as they have at yours."

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Not Perfect Yet.-" You English," observed Shamuz Bey to Mr. Bell-" you English have invented steam-engines, steam-boats, infernal machines for blowing up ships, and many other wonderful things, but I cannot compliment you on your pantaloons, which are much too tight."

On Different Kinds of Love, (BY A YOUNG LADY.) -The sweetest, a mother's love; the longest, a brother's love; the strongest, a woman's love; the dearest, a man's love. And the sweetest, longest, strongest, dearest love, 66 a love of a bonnet."

Candour. Quin, dining one day with the Duchess of Marlborough, observed that her Grace, to his great surprise, preferred the leanest part of a haunch of venison. "What!" said Quin, "and does your Grace eat no fat?" "Not of venison, sir." "What never, my Lady Duchess ?" "Never, I assure you. Too much affected to restrain his genuine sentiments, the epicure exclaimed, "I like to dine with such fools!"

Begging Pardon. A learned Irish Judge, among other peculiarities, had a habit of begging pardon on

every occasion. Once his favourite expression was employed in rather a singular manner. At the close of the

Assizes, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his Lordship, "I beg his pardonbring him up."

Cause of Grey Hairs.-At a private party in London, a lady-who, though in the autumn of life, had not lost all dreams of its spring--said to Douglas Jerrold, "I cannot imagine what makes my hair turn grey; I sometimes fancy it must be the escence of rosemary,' with which my maid is in the habit of brushing it. What do you think ?" "I should rather be afraid, madam,” replied Jerrold, "that it is the essence of Time"-(Thyme.)

Married Fleas.-When the late Lord Erskine, then going the circuit, was asked by his landlord how he had slept, he replied, "Union is strength-a fact of which your inmates seem to be unaware; for, had the fleas been unanimous last night, they might have pushed me out of the bed." "Fleas!" exclaimed Boniface, affecting great astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a single one in the house." I don't believe you have," retorted his Lordship, "they are all married, and have uncommonly large families.'

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When is money damp? When it is dew in the morning and mist at night.

"Father," said a little boy the other day, "are not sailors very small men ?" "No, my dear," replied the father, "pray what leads you to suppose they are so Because," replied the child, "I read the other day of a sailor going to sleep in his watch."

small ?" 66

A Norfolk farmer, not accustomed to literary composition, having lost a new hat at a country meeting,

addressed the following note to its supposed possessor : "Mr. A. presents compliments to Mr. B., I have got a hat which is not his. If he have got a hat which is not yours, no doubt they are the missing one.”

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A Wife Wanted. A down-Easter advertises for a wife in the following manner :-" Any gal what's got a cow and a good feather bed with comfortable fixins, 500 dollars in hard pewter; one that's had the measles and understands tendin' children, can have a customer for life, by writing a billy dux, addressed Z. R.' and stick it on Uncle Ebenezer's barn, hinside, jinin' the hog pen."

6

During the late Sessions at Na man was brought up by a farmer, and accused of stealing some ducks. The farmer said he should know them anywhere, and went on to describe their peculiarity. "Why," said the Counsel for the prisoner, "they can't be such a very rare breed-I have some like them in my yard." "That's very likely, sir, "said the farmer, "these are not the only ducks of the sort I have had stolen lately."

"Ma," said little Wilhelmina, "I don't think Solomon was so rich as they say he was." "Why, my dear ?" said her astonished ma. "Because he slept with his fathers, and I think if he had been so very rich he would have had a bed of his own."

Paddy's Boots. A green sprig from the Emerald Isle entered a boot and shoe shop to purchase himself a pair of "brogans." After overhauling his stock in trade, without being able to suit his customer, the shopkeeper hinted that he would make him a pair to order. "And what will yer ax to make a good pair iv em?" was the query. The price was named; the Irishman demurred, but after a "bating down," the thing was a trade. Paddy was about leaving the shop, when the other called after him, asking, "But what size shall I make them, Sir?" "Och!" cried Paddy, "niver mind about the size at all

-make them as large as ye convaniently can for the money!

Weather Prophets. - Partridge, who was celebrated for Almanack-making about one hundred years since, in travelling on horseback into the country, stopped for his dinner at an Inn, and afterwards called for his horse, that he might reach the next town, where he intended to sleep. As he was about to mount his horse, the hostler said, "If you will take my advice, Sir, you will stay where you are for the night, as you will surely be overtaken by a pelting rain." "Nonsense, nonsense," exclaimed Partridge; "there is a sixpence for you, my honest fellow, and a good afternoon to you." Partridge proceeded on his journey, and sure enough he was well drenched in a heavy shower. Partridge was struck by the man's prediction, and being always intent on the interests of his Almanack, he rode back on the instant, and was received by the ostler with a broad grin. "Well, Sir," said he " you see I was right." "Yes, my lad, you have been so; and I will give you a crown on condition that you tell me how you knew of this rain." "Why, Sir," replied the man, "the truth is, we have an Almanack in our house, called Partridge's Almanack ;' and the fellow is such a notorious liar, that whenever he promises us a fine day, we always know that it will be the direct contrary. Now, your honour, this day, the 21st of June, is put down in our Almanack in doors, as 'settled fine weather,—no rain.' I looked at that before I brought your honour's horse out, and so I was able to put you on your guard."

A lady of distinguished philanthrophy superintends a Ragged School, and every morning begins by giving the children some breakfast, and making them repeat the Lord's Prayer. On examining them one day as to its meaning, she found they had all been in the habit of saying it thus-"Give us this day our daily bread, and give us our 'breakfasses.'