Obrázky stránek

that lived next door to him, and when he heard his name, inquired if he was not a fool. “No, my little friend, ' replied the guest, “he is not a fool, but a very sensible man. But why did you ask that question ?” “ Because," replied the boy, “mother said the other day that you were next door to a fool; and I wanted to know who lived next door to you."

An Irish peasant seeing a partridge that was shot fall from a considerable height, picked it up, and running with it to the sportsman who had killed it, cried out, “ Arrah, your honour, you need not have shot—the fall would have killed him."


66 Meet

Yes, Sir."- The following utterly ridiculous instance of the painful habit London waiters have acquired of invariably repeating every syllable a customer utters before they can possibly return any answer, literally occurred to a gentleman, who thus triumphantly tested their imperturbable gravity of countenance :-“Waiter !” “Yes, Sir." 6 Bottled stout.” “ Bottled stout, Sir? yes,

“ And here, waiter.” “Yes, Sir." me in the willow glen.” " Willow glen, Sir? yes, ,

Sir." Why is the head of a lover like the sea serpent?-Because it is a secreter (sea creeter) of great sighs (size.]

“Do you really believe, Dr. Johnson," said a Lichfield lady, " in the dead walking after death ?" “Madam," said Johnson, “ I have no doubt on the subject : I have heard the Dead March in Saul.”


а 66

[ocr errors]

The Bishop of Oxford, having sent round to the Churchwardens in his diocese a circular of inquiries, among which was :-“Does your officiating Clergyman preach the gospel, and is his conversation and carriage consistent therewith?” The Churchwardens near Wallingford replied :-“ He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage.'

Sailors' Notions of Politeness.-As George III. was walking the quarter-deck of one of his men-of-war with his hat on, a sailor asked his messmate “ who that fellow was who did not douse his peak to the Admiral ?”

Why it's the King.” “Well, King or no King,” retorted the other, he's an unmannerly dog." ""

Lord, where should he learn manners ?” replied Jack,“ he was never outside of land in his life.

Paddy and the Pill Box. - A surgeon had occasion to prescribe a couple of pills for an Irishman, which were sent home in a small box, bearing the direction, “The whole to be taken immediately." On visiting his patient afterwards, the doctor expressed his surprise on learning that the desired effect had not been produced, and asked Pat's better half if she had really given him the medicine. “Faith, that I did, Sur," she replied, “but may be, yer honour, the lid hasn't come off yet!” The poor sick man had been made to swallow, not only the pills, but the box as well.

That's All.”—“ Does the Court understand you to say, Mr. Jones, that you saw the editor of the Auger of Freedom intoxicated ?" “Not at all, Sir, I merely said that I had seen him frequently so flurried in his mind that he would undertake to cut out copy with the snuffers --that's all.”

[ocr errors]

Retort. —“I go through my work,” as the needle said to the idle boy. But not till you are hard pushed,” as the idle boy said to the needle.

An exquisite, just returned to England from a Continental tour, was asked how he liked the ruins of Pompeii? “Not very well,” was the reply; "they are so dreadfully out of repair !"


Mrs. Percy, a Bloomer, eloped from Massachusetts, with Levins Clough. When the husband found she was determined to go, he gave her one hundred dollars to start with.

A countryman, seeing a globe of goldfish, exclaimed,

Well, if that ai’nt the first time as ever I see red herrings alive !"

6 What makes the milk so warm ?” said Betty to the milkman when he brought his pail to the door one morning 66 Please mum, the pump handle’s broke, and missus took the water from the biler."

[ocr errors]

Typographical Wit.—At a late printers' festival, the following sentiment was offered :-“ Printers' wives— may they always have plenty of small caps' for the heads of the little original articles.”


A husband at the grave of his wife delivered himself of the following to a neighbour, as the coffin was lowered into the grave :-"I've lost cows, I've lost sheep, I've lost hosses, and I've lost caaves, but this is the wust of the whole lot.”

“ Cato, what do you suppose is the reason that the sun goes to the South in the winter ?” “Well, I don't know, Massa, unless he no stands de clemency ob de Norf, and so am obliged to go to the Souf, where he speriences warmer longimitude.

A traveller at a Pennsylvania Hotel once rose from his bed at night to examine the weather ; but, instead of looking out upon the sky, thrust his head through the glass window of a cupboard. “ Landlord,” cried the astonished

man, “this is very singular weather; the night is as dark as Egypt, and smells of cheese.”

A Man Making the Most of Himself. – A native of one of the Sandwich Islands was found hiring out his back at so much a square inch, to the professional tattooers, for them to try their patterns on.

[ocr errors]




A Considerate Warning.–An American, visiting his English friends, of

sooner seated in the drawing-room, than he began to spit right and left. With an eye to the carpet, a spittoon was placed near to him. He kicked it away many times, and at last, out of all patience at finding it still placed near his legs, cried out, “ Pretty considerable tiresome, that ’ere thing! If you don't take it away, I shall spit in it!"


[ocr errors]


“ Why is it," asked a Frenchman of a Switzer, that you Swiss always fight for money, while we French fight only for honour?" “I suppose," answered the Switzer, “ that each fight for what they most lack."

A Tavern Incident. “ What are you about, you rascal ? Twice have you awoke me from a sound sleep to tell me that breakfast was ready; and


awakened me by attempting to pull off the bed clothes! What the deuce do you mean ?” “Why, Massa, if you

Why, Massa, if you isn't going to get up, I must hab de shete, 'cause they are waiting for the table clof."

[ocr errors]

The Rappers and the Dutchman.—A DUTCHMAN ConSULTING THE RAPPERS.- “ Is dat you, Mrs. Hauntz ?" inquired the Dutchman. “ Yes, dearest, it is your own dear wife, who—"_“You lie, you ghost," interrupted Hauntz, starting from his seat, “mine vrow speak no

, thing but Dutch, and she never said tearest in her life. It was always · Hauntz, you thief!' or ' Hauntz, you tirty shkamp!'” And the Dutchman hobbled from the room, , well satisfied that the “rapping spirits" were all humbug, and that he was safe from


further communications with his shrewish vrow on earth.

[ocr errors]
[ocr errors]


Mr. New York printer, says that on one occasion an old woman from the country came into his printing office with an old Bible in her hand. “I want,” said she," that you should print it over ag’in. It's gettin a little blurred, sort of, and my eyes isn't wot they was,



66 Can you

[ocr errors]

How much do you ax ?”

Fifty cents." have it done in half an hour ?-wish you would; want to be gettin home; live good ways out o'teown.” “Certainly. When the old lady went out, he sent down to the office of the American Bible Society and purchased a copy for fifty cents.

“ Lor' sakes a massy !” exclaimed the old lady, when she came to look at it, “how good you've fixed it!"—it's e'en' a’most as good as new! I never see nothin' so curious as what printin' is !"


Why are bells the most sensible of inanimate things ? - Because they make a noise when they're toll’d.

“What on arth ails these 'ere shirt-buttons, I wonder? Jest the minit I puts the needle through 'em to sew 'em on, they splits and flies all to bits.”—“Why, grand

" mother, them isn't buttons, they's my peppermints, an' now you've been a spiling them.”


An Irishman having arrived from Dublin at the house of a respectable merchant in the borough, and having left Ireland three weeks before, brought with him a basket of eggs; his friend asked him why he took the trouble to bring eggs from Ireland to England ?_“ Because,

,"? said he, I am so fond of them new laid, and I know these to be so.



“It is a great pity that you come dangling at my heels, Mr. Nonentity,” said a consequential lady to her sentimental adorer, - you remind me of a barometer that is filled with nothing in the upper story.” “Most amiable of your sex,” said he, “ for so flattering a compliment, let me remind you that you occupy it entirely.”

" Wretched Ignorance. A upid fellow wrote to a friend of ours to inform him he had received an invitation to an evening party, and that the note was sealed with a stamp on which was engraved the word circumspice, and he wished to know the meaning of the word.

« PředchozíPokračovat »