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WIT AND WISDOM.

JOKES, CONUNDRUMS, SENTIMENTS,

AND APHORISMS.

LONDON:

WARD AND LOCK, 158, FLEET STREET.

1860.

268, c. 347

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THE RAILWAY JOE MILLER.

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“Is not one man as good as another?” exclaimed a stump orator.--. Of course he is,” shouted an excited Irishman, "an' betther!" ”

Hints to News Room Monopolists. -- In a country news room the following notice is written over the chimney :-“Gentlemen learning to spell are requested to use yesterday's paper."

Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Morton the thinness of the house at one of his plays, added, he supposed it was owing to the war. No," replied Morton, “I should judge it is owing to the piece."

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“ Sal," cried a girl, looking out at the upper story of a small grocery, addressing another girl who was trying to enter at the front door, “We've all been to camp meeting and been converted, so, when you want milk on Sundays, you'll have to come in the back way.”

An Irish servant observing her mistress feeding a pet canary, asked, “how long it took them craters to hatch? “ Three weeks," was the reply. “Och, sure, that is the same as any other fowl, except a pig !"

“I would advise you to put your head in a dye-tub; it's rather red,” said a joker to a sandy-headed girl. return, Sir, I would advise you to put your head in an oven; it's rather soft," said she.

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“How is it," said a gentleman to Sheridan, “that your name has not an 0 attached to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt illustrious." “No family has a better right to an 0 than our family,” said Sheridan, “ for we owe everybody.”

“ Tom, who did you say our friend B. married?”“Well-he married forty thousand pounds--I forget her other name.

The Needlewomen's History. They come like shadows, sew, depart.”

A Man of Business. - An operative in Newcastle, who had availed himself on a Thanksgiving-day, of his master's offer to pay the day's wages to such of his workmen as chose to attend divine service at Church, called upon him towards evening, and inquired whether, if he went to Chapel at night, he would be paid for overtime ?

The Ideal Woman, or what a Woman ought to be. - One of the fair sex being taken up for an assault, defended herself thus, like a true heroine :-“Why, on Saturday night I came across Mary Parsons, bouncing about what she'd do when she laid hold of me. So I says, "Now, Mary, let's have it out, a fair stand-up fight, and whichever gets licked, not to Police the other. For she ai'nt no woman as wouldn't fight it out there and then, if so be as how she has a quarrel with another woman.'

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A very plain young man, of loose habits, happening to remark before Jerrold that he was fastidious-“You mean,” growled the latter, “ that you are fast and hideous.

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A Lawyer's Name.A lawyer wrote “rascal” in the ļiat of a brother lawyer, who, on discovering it, entered à complaint in open Court against the trespasser, who, he said, had not only taken his hat, but had written his own name in it.

The late Rev. Rowland Hill once said, on observing some persons enter his Chapel to avoid the rain that was falling," Many people are to be blamed for making religion a cloak; but I do not think them much better who make it an umbrella !"

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A Nuisance.—“Mr. Magistrate, I want to ask you a

question. Has a man got a right to commit a nuisance ?" • No, Sir, not even the Mayor.” “ Then, Sir, I claim my liberty. I was arrested as a nuisance, and, as no one has a right to commit me, I move for a nonsuit."

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A Planter's Notion of a Man. Pope was with Sir Godfrey Kneller one day, when his nephew, a Guinea trader, came in. Nephew,” said Sir Godfrey, “you have the honour of seeing the two greatest men in the world.” “I don't know how great you may be,” said the Guinea man, “but I don't like your looks: I have often bought a man, much better than both of you together, all muscles and bones, for ten guineas. Spence's Anecdotes.

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“ Ah, Mr. Simpkins, we have not chairs enough for our company," said a gay young wife to her frugal husband. Plenty of chairs, ducky; but a little too much company,” replied Mr. Simpkins.

A gentleman who greatly disliked the custom of giving fees to servants, provided himself with some farthings, and on leaving the next party he attended presented. one to the footman as he stood at the door. párdon, Sir,” says John, “ but you have made a mistake." “Oh no,” said the gentleman, “I never give less!"

1 beg your

A boy once asked one of his father's guests who it was

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