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C. I have by no means made up my mind about it; in another century, perhaps, I may be able to decide upon the point.

E. These debates of your's had one advantage, however; you could not poffibly put yourself in a paffion on fuch kind of fubjects.

C. There you are very much mistaken. I was conftantly in a paffion upon one or other of them; and if my opponent did not agree with me, my conftant practice was to knock him down, even if it were in the church. I have the happiness of being able to interest myself in the most indifferent queftions as foon as I am contradicted upon it. I can make a very good dispute out of the question, Whether the preference be due to blue or green, in the colour of a jockey's cap? and would defire no better caufe of a quarrel than, Whether perfon's name fhould be spelt with C, or with K?

E. These conftant disputes must have had a very bad effect on your younger children. How do you hope ever to have a quiet house?

C. And yet, I do affure you, there is no one point that I have laboured more than that important one of family harmony.

E. Indeed?

C. Yes; for the fake of that order and unanimity, which has always been dear to me, I have conftantly infifted, that all my children fhould freeze and blow their nofes at the fame time, and in the fame manner.

E. May I prefume to afk the reason of that injuntion?

C. Is it poffible you do not fee the extreme danger, as well as indecorum, of fuffering every one to blow his nose his own way? Could you truft any one with the keys of yout offices. who fneezed to the right when other people fneezed to the left, or to the left when they fneezed to the right?

E. I confefs I am rather dull in difcerning the inconvenience that would enfue; but pray have you been able to accomplish this defirable uniformity?

C. I acknowledge I have not; and indeed I have

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met with fo much obftinate refistance to this my wife regulation, that, to tell you the truth, I am almoft on the point of giving it up. You would hardly believe the perverfeness my children have fhewn on the occafion; blowing their nofes, locked up in their rooms, or in dark corners about the house, in every poffible way; fo that, in fhort, on pretence of colds, tender notes, or want of pocket-handkerchiefs, or one plea or another, I have been obliged to tolerate the uncomplying, very much againft my will. However, I contrive to fhew my difapprobation, at leaft, of fuch fcandalous irregularities, by never faying God bless you! if a perfon fneezes in the family contrary to eftablished rule.

E. I am glad, at leaft, you are in this refpect got a little nearer to common sense. As you feem to have been of fo imperious a difpofition, I hope you were not trufted with any mifchievous weapons.

C. At first I used to fight with clubs and stones; afterwards with other weapons; but at length I contrived to get at gunpowder, and then I did glorious

mifchief.

E. Pray had you never any body who taught you better? C. Yes; feveral wife men, from time to time, attempted to mend my manners, and reform me, as they called it. E. And how did you behave to them?

C. Some I hunted about; fome I poifoned; fome I contrived to have thrown into prifon; fome I made bonfires of; others I only laughed at. It was but the other day that one of them wanted to give me fome hints for the better regulation of my family, upon which I pulled his houfe down:' I was often, however, the better for the leffon, though the teacher had feldom the pleasure of feeing it.

E. I have heard it faid you are very partial to your children; that you pamper fome, and ftarve others. Pray who are your favourites?

C. Generally those who do the most mischief.

E. Had you not once a great favourite called Lewis, whom you ufed to ftyle the immortal man?

C. I had fo. I was continually repeating his name, I

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fet up a great number of ftatues to him, and ordered that every one should pull off his hat to them as he went by. E. And what is become of them now?

C. The other day, in a fit of fpleen, I kicked them all down again.

E. I think I have read that you were once much under the influence of an old man, with a highcrowned hat, and a bunch of keys by his fide?

C. It is true. He ufed to frighten me by fetting his arms a-kimbo, and fwearing moft terribly; befides which, he was always threatening to put me in a dark hole if I did not do as he would have me. He has conjured many pence out of my pocket, I affure you; and he ufed to make me believe the ftrangeft ftories! But I have now pretty nearly done with him; he dares not fpeak fo big as he used to do: hardly a fhoe-black will pull off his hat to him now; it is even as much as he can do to keep his own tight upon his head; nay, I have been affured, that the next high wind will certainly blow it off.

E. You must doubtlefs have made great advances in the art of reafoning, from the various lights and experiments of modern times: pray what was the laft philofophical study that engaged your attention?

C. One of the laft was a fyftem of quackery, called Animal Magnetifm.

E. And what in theology?

C. A fyftem of quackery, called Swedenborgianifm. E. And pray what are you doing at this moment? C. I am going to turn over quite a new leaf. I am finging Ca Ira.

E. I do not know whether you are going to turn over a new leaf or no, but I am fure, from this account, it is high time you fhould. All I can fay is, that if I cannot mend you, I will endeavour to take care you do not spoil me; and one thing more, that I wifh you would lay your commands on Mifs Burney, to write a new novel, and make you laugh.

[Monthly Magazine.]

Q 2

NEW

SIR,

NEW MODE OF WARFARE.

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Ta time when the exertions of the greateft part of Europe are of no avail in refifting the arms of the French nation, and even the conceptions of our British Palinurus are rendered abortive, it becomes every Englishman to exert himself against the common enemy. Nunc olim quocunque dabunt fe tempore vires, Litora litoribus contraria, fluctibus undas Imprecor, arma armis.--

After revolving in my mind the various plans which have been defeated by their vile machinations, it appears to me that our pilot (who, I hope, is not yet afleep at the helm) fhould, as he has done on many other occafions, follow the example of our enemy, i. e. attack them in a mass. But, Sir, I would not recommend fuch a burlefque mafs as an army of meagre, famished Frenchmen. I would have a real mass, and every man should be like Falstaff a moving mass. An army of fine fat fellows, fuch as I recommend,. would drive Frenchmen before them as easily as boys do butterflies, and we should have an additional reason to glory in the roast beef of Old England.

I believe there would be no difficulty in producing an army of thefe Titans; for as this is deemed a war for the defence of our property, thofe will furely come forward as volunteers who have so large a stake in the community. For inftance, the Aldermen and different corporate bodies in the kingdom would form a confiderable army. The beneficed clergy too would furnish many regiments, who might be called the Black Huffars.

But it is needless for me to point out the paths of rotundity, as the fpies of Government may be better employed than they have lately been, in tracing them. To fill up the grenadier companies, it might be expedient to fend for a few cargoes of Patagonians; and if this were done in the manner of embaffy, it would open a new fource of patronage, and we might alfo have the honour of granting another fubfidy, if

there

there be a King in that country to receive it. As the troopers would be of an enormous fize, especially the Black Huffars, it would be extremely neceffary to have them mounted on camels and elephants-the former to fupply the place of light cavalry, and the latter that of the heavy horfe. The confumption of provifions in fuch an army as this, may be objected to as unbearable; but as they would moft of them be volunteers, the bounty-money would be faved; and as they would foon be quartered on the enemy, this very circumstance would render them more speedily victorious, and thus accomplish what our worthy Premier propofed early in the war-" To reduce them by famine."-In fhort, I conceive our troops would find their fuccefs far more in eating than in fighting, and it is probable their stomachs would be better adapted for the former than the latter. Another article of economy might be adopted in their equipments, by having the frying-pans, &c. made of a more commodious form, fo as to be worn on the head inftead of helmets, and this might ferve to diftinguish the different companies; for what could be more appropriate than the Frying-pan company, the Tin-kettle company, the Porridge-pot company, &c. &c. Spits might be worn inftead of swords, and the dripping-pans might be fo contrived as to form a bridge inftead of boats, to cross rivers; and there would be no fear of the bridge being captured by the enemy, as our troops would fight defperately for their culinary utenfils: all' that might be dreaded is, that they would give no quarter, if the fcoundrels made the attempt. There would be no neceflity for mufical inftruments; the found of the ketties would be infinitely better relished than kettle-drums; and a table-cloth would be a more attractive rallying point than any streamer ever bofne by a Roman or British legion. Knives and forks of a proportionate fize would be terrible weapons in their hands, if reduced to the neceffity of fighting, and they would contend, even to death, ere they would furrender fuch arms to the enemy,

03

Thus

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