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Mrs. Page. We'll do it; let him be sent for to-morrow eight o'clock, to have amends.
Re-enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH
Ford. I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass. Mrs. Page. Heard you that?
Mrs. Ford. Ay, ay, peace:-You use me well master Ford, do you? Ford. Ay, I do so.
Mrs. Ford. Heaven make you better than your thoughts? Ford. Amen.
Mrs. Page. You do yourself mighty wrong, master Ford.
Ford. Ay, ay; I must bear it.
Eva. If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
Caius. By gar, nor I too; dere is no bodies. Page. Fie, fie, master Ford! are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not have your distemper in this kind, for the wealth of Windsor Castle.
Ford. 'Tis my fault, master Page: I suffer for it.
Eva. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a 'omans, as I will desires among five thousand, an five hundred too.
Caius. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. Ford. Well;-I promised you a dinner :Come, come, walk in the park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you, why I have done this.-Come, wife ;— come, mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me.
Page. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast; after, we'll a birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush: Shall it be so?
Mrs. Ford. He's too big to go in there: What shall I do?
rion, mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?
Fal. Let me see't, let me see't! O let me see't! I'll in, I'll in;-follow your friend's
Mrs. Page. What! Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?
Fal. I love thee, and none but thee; help me away: let me creep in here; I'll never
[He goes into the basket; they cover him with foul linen.
Mrs. Page. Help to cover your master, boy: Call your men, mistress Ford:-You dissembling knight!
Mrs. Ford. What, John, Robert, John! [Exit Robin; Re-enter Servants.] Go take up these clothes here, quickly; Where's the cowlstaff look, how you drumble :† carry them to the laundress in Datchet mead; quickly,
Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and Sir HUGH
Ford. Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve it.-How now? whither bear you this?
Serv. To the laundress, forsooth. Mrs. Ford. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford. Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck? Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt Servants with the basket.] Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chamber, search, seek find out: I'll warrant, we'll unkennel the fox:-Let me stop this way first:-So, now uncape.‡
Page. Good master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.
Ford. True, master Page.-Up, gentlemen; you shall see sport anon: follow me, gentle[Exit.
Eva. This is fery fantastical humours, and jealousies.
Caius. By gar, 'tis no de fashion of France: it is not jealous in France.
Page. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
[Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS. Mrs. Page. Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mrs. Ford. I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
Mrs. Page. What a taking was he in, when your husband asked who was in the basket! Mrs. Ford. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
Mrs. Page. Hang him, dishonest rascal; I would, all of the same strain were in the same distress.
Mrs. Ford. I think, my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.
Mrs. Page. I will lay a plot to try that: And we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this me
7 Mrs. Ford. Shall we send that foolish car
*A staff for carrying a large tub or basket.
Unbag the fox.
Ford. Any thing.
Eva. If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
Caius. If there be one or two, I shall makea de turd.
Eva. In your teeth: for shame.
Eva. I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the lousy knave mine host.
Caius. Dat is good; by gar, vit all my heart. Eva. A lousy knave; to have his gibes, and his mockeries.
[Exeunt. SCENE IV-A Room in PAGE's House. Enter FENTON, and Mistress ANNE PAGE.
Fent. I see, I cannot get thy father's love; Therefore, no more turn me to him, sweet Nan. Anne. Alas! how then?
Fent. Why, thou must be thyself. He doth object, I am too great of birth; And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,
seek to heal it only by his wealth:
Anne. May be, he tells you true.
You wrong me, Sir, thus still to haunt my Fent. No, heaven so speed me in my time to house: come!
I told you, Sir, my daughter is dispos'd of. Albeit, I will confess, thy father's wealth Fent. Nay, master Page, be not impatient. Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne: Mrs. Page. Good master Fenton, come not Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value
to my child, Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags; Page. She is no match for you. And 'tis the very riches of thyself
Fent. Sir, will you hear me? That now I aim at.
Page. No, good master Fenton. Anne. Gentle master Fenton,
Come, master Shallow: come, son Slender, Yet seek my father's love: still seek it, Sir:
(Fenton. If opportunity and humble suit
Knowing my mind, you wrong me, master Cannot attain it, why then,-Hark you hither. [Exeuni Page, Shallow, and SLENDER.
[They converse apart. Quick. Speak to mistress Page. Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, & Mrs. QUICKLY.
Fent. Good mistress Page, for that I love Shal. Break their talk, mistress Quickly; In such a righteous fashion as I do,
your daughter my kinsman shall speak for himself.
Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and Slen. I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't :* slid,
manners. 'tis but venturing.
1 must advance the colours of my love, Shal. Be not dismay'd.
And not retire: Let me have your good will. Slen. No, she shall not dismay me: I care
Anne. Good mother, do not marry me to not for that,-but that I am afeard.
yond' fool. Quick. Hark ye; master Slender would speak
Mrs. Page. I mean it not; I seek you a better a word with you.
husband. Anne. I come to him. This is my father's
Quick. That's my master, master doctor. choice.
Anne. Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the o, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults
earth, Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a And bowld to death with turnips. year!
Mrs. Page. Come, trouble not yourself: Good Quick. And how does good master Fenton?
master Fenton, Pray you, a word with you.
I will not be your friend, nor enemy: Shal. She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, My daughter will I question how she loves you, thou hadst a father!
And as I find her, so am I affected; Slen. I had a father, mistress Anne ;-my 'Till then, farewell, Sir:—She must needs go uncle can tell you good jests of him :-Pray Her father will be angry.
[in; you, uncle, tell mistress Anne the jest, how
[Exeunt Mistress PagE and ANNE. my father stole two geese out of a pen, good
Fent. Farewell, gentle mistress; farewell, uncle.
Nan. Shal. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
Quick. This is my doing, now;-Nay, said Slen. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any I, will you cast away your child on a fool, and woman in Gloucestershire.
a physician? Look on master Fenton ;-this is Shal. He will maintain you like a gentle
my doing. woman.
Fent. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once Slen. Ay, that I will, come cut and long
to-night tail,t under the degree of a 'squire.
Give my sweet Nan this ring: There's for thy Shal. He will make you a hundred and fifty
[Exit, pounds jointure. Anne. Good master Shallow, let him woo for A kind heart he hath: a woman would run
Quick. Now heaven send thee good fortune! himself.
through fire and water for such a kind heart. Shal. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you But yet, I would my master had mistress for that good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll Anne; or I would master Slender had her; or,
in sooth, I would master Fenton had her: 1 Anne. Now, master Slender.
will do what I can for them all three; for so Slen. Now, good mistress Anne.
I have promised, and I'll be as good as my Anne. What is your will?
word; but speciously* for master Fenton. Well, Slen. My will? od's heartlings, that's a pretty I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff jest, indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank from my two mistresses; What a beast am I to heaven: I'am not such a sickly creature, I give slackt it? heaven praise.
SCENE V.-A room in the Garter Inn. Anne. I mean, master Slender, what would you with me?
Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH. Slen. Truly, for mine own part, I would little Fal. Bardolph, I say, or nothing with you: Your father, and my Bard. Here, Sir. uncle, have made motions : if it be my luck, so: Fal. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast if not, happy man be his dole! They can tell in't. (Exit Bard.) Have I lived to be carried you how things, go, better than I can: You may in a basket, like a barrow of butcher's offal ; ask your father; here he comes.
and to be thrown into the Thames? Well; if Enter Page and Mistress PAGE. I be served such another trick, I'll have my Page. Now, master Slender :-Love him, brains ta'en out, and butter'd, and give them daughter Anne.
to a dog for a new year's gift. The rogues Why, how now! what does master Fenton slighted me into the river with as little remorsef here?
as they would have drowned a bitch's blind
puppies, fifteen i' the litter: and you may know A proverha shaft was a long arrow, and a bolt, a thick short one.
Come, poor or rich. * Lot. *Specially † Neglect. Pity,
by my size, that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow; a death that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been, when I had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.
Re-enter BARDOLPH, with the wine. Bard Here's mistress Quickly, Sir, to speak with you.
Fal. By the Lord, a buck-basket: rammed
Thames water; for my belly's as cold, as if I had swallowed snow-balls for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.
Fal. Come, let me pour in some sack to theme in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, and greasy napkins; that, master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villanous smell, that ever offended nostril.
Bard. Come in, woman.
Quick. Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault; she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.
Fal. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.
Quick. Well, she laments, Sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine: I must carry her word quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
Fal. Well, I will visit her: Tell her so; and bid her think, what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit.
Quick. I will tell her.
Fal. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st
Quick. Eight and nine, Sir.
Fal. Well, be gone: I will not miss her. Quick. Peace be with you, Sir! [Exit. Fal. I marvel, I hear not of master Brook; he sent me word to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.
Ford. What, while you were there?
Ford. And did he search for you, and could not find you?
Fal. You shall hear.
As good luck would have it, comes in one mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's approach; and, by her invention, and Ford's wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. Ford. A buck-basket!
Ford. And how long lay you there?
Fal. Nay, you shall hear, master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress, to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchetlane: they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door; who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well; on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotton bell-wether: next, to be compassed like a good bilbo,* in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head: and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease; think of that, a man of my kidney,-think of that; that am as subject to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw; it was a miracle to 'scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that ;-hissing hot,-think of that, master Brook.
Ford. In good sadness,† Sir, I am sorry that my sake you have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate; you'll undertake her no more.
Ford. Bless you, Sir!
Fal. Now, master Brook? you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford's wife? Ford. That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. Fal. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at her house the hour she appointed me.
Ford And how speed you, Sir?
Fal. Very ill-favouredly, master Brook. Ford. How so, Sir? Did she change her determination?
Fal. No, master Brook; but the peaking cornuto, her husband, master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.
Fal. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a birding; I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, master Brook.
Ford. 'Tis past eight already, Sir.
Fal. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her: Adieu. You shall have her, master Brook; master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. [Exit. Ford. Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake, master Ford; ther's a hole made in your best coat, master Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen, and buckbaskets!-Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house: he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the Bilboa, where the best blades are made. † Seriousness.
Make myself ready.
Will. Genitive case?
Will. Genitive,-horum, harum, horum.
Quick. You do ill to teach the child such words: he teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast enough of themselves; and to call horum:-fie upon you!
Eva. 'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian pre-creatures as I would desires.
Mrs. Page. Pr'ythee hold thy peace.
Eva. Show me now, William, some declen sions of your pronouns.
Will. Forsooth, I have forgot.
devil that guides him should aid him, I will | search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not, shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me,
I'll be horn mad.
SCENE I.-The Street.
Enter Mrs. PAGE, Mrs. QUICKLY, and
Mrs. Page. Is he at master Ford's already,
Quick. Sure, he is by this; or will be sently but truly, he is very courageous* mad, about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.
Mrs. Page. I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my young man here to school: Look, where his master comes; 'tis a playing-day, I
Enter Sir HUGH EVANS.
Quick. Blessing of his heart!
Mrs. Page. Sir Hugh, my husband says, my son profits nothing in the world at his book; I pray you, ask him some questions in his accidence.
Eva. Come hither, William; hold up your head; come.
Mrs. Page. Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your master, be not afraid.
Eva. William, how many numbers is in
Quick. Truly I thought there had been one number more; because they say, od's nouns.
Eva. Peace your tattlings. What is fair, William?
Quick. Poulcats! there are fairer things than poulcats, sure.
Eva. Your are a very simplicity 'oman; I pray you, peace. What is lapis, William ? Will. A stone.
Eva. And what is a stone, William?
Eva. No, it is lapis; I pray you remember in your prain.
Eva. That is good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles?
Will. Articles are borrowed of the pronoun; and be thus declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, hæc, hoc.
Eva. Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark: genitivo, hujus: Well, what is your accusative case?
Will. Accusativo, hinc.
Eva. I pray you, have your remembrance, child; Accusativo, hing, hang, hog. Quick. Hang hog is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.
Mrs Page. Peace.
Eca. What is your genitive case plural, Willjam?
Eva. It is ki, ka, cod; if you forget your kies, your kas, and your cods, you must be preeches.* Go your ways, and play, go.
Mrs. Page. He is a better scholar, than I thought he was.
Eva. He is a good spragt memory. Farewell, mistress Page.
Mrs Page. Adieu, good Sir Hugh. [Exit Sir HUGH.] Get you home, boy.-Come, we stay too long. [Exeunt. SCENE II-A Room in FORD's House.
Enter FALSTAFF and Mrs. FORD.
Fal. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance: I see, you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
Mrs. Ford. Why?
Mrs. Page. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying, Peer out, peer out!|| that any madness, I ever yet beheld, seemed but tameness, civility and patience, to this his distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.
Eva. Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the focative case, William?
Mrs. Ford. Why, does he talk of him? Mrs. Page. Of none but him; and swears, he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket: protests to my husband, he is now here; and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make
Will. O-Vocativo, O.
Eva. Remember, William; focative is, caret. another experiment of his suspicion: but I am Quick. And that's a good root.
Eva. 'Oman, forbear.
glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.
Mrs. Ford. How near is he, mistress Page?
Mrs. Ford. He's a birding, sweet Sir John. Mrs. Page. [Within] What hoa, gossip Ford! what hoa!
Mrs. Ford. Step into the chamber, Sir John. [Exit FALSTAFF. Enter Mrs. PAGE.
Mrs. Page. How now, sweetheart? who's at home beside yourself?
Mrs. Ford. Why, none but mine own people.
Mrs. Ford. No, certainly;-speak louder.
[Aside. Mrs. Page. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
Breeched, i. e. flogged.
† Apt to learn. Mad fits.
As children call on a snail to push forth his horns,
We do not act, that often jest and laugh; 'Tis old but true, Still swine eat all the draff. [Exit. Re-enter Mrs. FORD, with two Servants. Mrs. Ford. Go, Sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at Idoor; if he bid you set it down, obey him : [Exil. quickly, despatch.
1. Serv. Come, come, take it up. 2. Serv. Pray heaven, it be not full of the knight again.
1. Serv. I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.
Ford. Ay, but if it prove true, master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again?Set down the basket, villain :-Somebody call my wife -You, youth in a basket, come dis-out here!-O, you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me: Now shall the devil be shamed. What! wife, I say! come, come forth; behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching.
Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and
Fal. Where is it?
Mrs. Ford. He will seek there on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract* for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: There is no hiding you in the house.
Fal. I'll go out then.
Mrs. Page. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguised,
Enter Mrs. FORD.
Ford. So say I too, Sir.-Come hither, mis
Mrs. Ford. How might we disguise him? Mrs. Page. Alas the day, I know not. There is no woman's gown big enough for him; other-tress Ford; mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband!-I sus
wise, he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a
Mrs. Ford. My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above.
Mrs. Page. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler too: Run up, Sir John.
Mrs. Ford. Go, go, sweet Sir John: mistress Page and I, will look some linen for your head. Mrs. Page. Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight: put on the gown the while. [Exit FALSTAFF.
Mrs. Ford. I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears, she's a witch;
forbade her my house, and hath threatened to
Mrs Page. Heaven guide him to thy band's cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterward!
Mrs. Ford. But is my husband coming?
Mrs. Page. Ay, in good sadness,† is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
Mrs. Ford. We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time.
Mrs. Page. Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him like the witch of Brentford. Mrs. Ford. I'll first direct my men, what they shall do with the basket. Go up, I'll bring linen for him straight. [Exit.
Mrs. Page. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we
*Short note of.
Page. Why, this passes !+ Master Ford, you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
Eva. Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog!
Shal. Indeed, master Ford, this is not well; indeed.
Mrs. Ford. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.
Ford. Well said, brazen-face; hold it out.-
[Pulls the clothes out of the basket. Page. This passes!
Mrs. Ford. Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone.
Ford. Master Page, as I am a man, there in this basket: Why may not he be there again? was one conveyed out of my house yesterday hus-In my house I am sure he is: my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable: Pluck me out all the linen.
Ford. I shall find you anon.
Eva. "Tis unreasonable! Will you take up
Mrs. Ford. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.
Page. Here's no man.
Shal. By my fidelity, this is not well, master Ford; this wrongs you.
Eva. Master Ford, you must pay, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.
Ford. Well, he's not here I seek for.
Page. No, nor no where else, but in your brain.
Ford. Help to search my house this one time: if I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity, let me for ever be your tablesport; let them say of me, as jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife's
† Surpasses, to go beyond bounds,