THE HANDSOME CLEAR.STARCHER. A LEGEND OF THE DAYS OF QUEEN ELIZABETH. WE talk of the Goddess of Fashion; but where Has her Goddesship deigned to be seen? So at least it was erst, When Eliza the Great Of our isle was the pride and the pet; For though dress form'd small part of her right royal state, Her sole reason for choosing was what ladics give,- But when once it was seen, none without it could live, Twas a sort of a "chevaux-de-frise"-looking thing, Or of gossamer, gause, tissue, leno, blonde, lace,- When with taste they o'er beauties are thrown. But in those days no throwing was ever allowed, Some wore gowns thickly broider'd like garlands of May; Standing upright and stiff, as in martial array, Of the march of clear-starching it then was the day, And all else but the face was conceal'd. But the ruff! the white, well stiffen'd, well clear-starch'd ruff "Its edges," they said, "like a saw should be rough;" If it was not well starch'd, gumm'd, or sized. Tis a pity when ladies so pretty allow Themselves to fall into a pet, And in their own boudoirs to "kick up a row," About things they're to wear, with the what, where, or how. But, alas! in those days some few fair ones were frail, And their tempers would sometimes rebel : Though perhaps the great breakfasts of beef-steaks and ale* Might have heated the blood of the maid of our tale, And caused what we've now got to tell. The following is an extract from an order of King Henry the Eighth for a daily allowance to a maid of honour in 1522. "First. Every morning at brekefast oon chyne of beyf at our kechyn, oon chete loff and oon maunchet at our pantrye barr, and a galone of ale at our buttryc barr. Her name we don't mention, because it may chance Suffice it, her beauty was such as romance For all heroines claims,—she could sing, play, and danco Or say rather her foible; so when ruffs came in, So her ruffs were well starch'd, dried, and starch'd o'cr again And plaited, et cetera ;-but all was in vain, For she spake naughty words, and declared it was plain Then she tried many others; but all fail'd alike Some pleaded their work-folks had "struck up a strike;" She was sadly provoked, and yet dared not rebel So when next her handmaiden desired her to tell Where her ruffs should be sent, she cried, "Send them to h-, And the d-l may starch them for me!" These were very bad words to escape from the lips Of a lady so handsome and young. But when passion's our tyrant, morality trips, While the tempter keeps watch for such sad naughty slips As our maiden had made with her tongue. And scarce had she spoken, when suddenly came Twas not loud enough quite for a lord or a dame, She had ne'er heard such knocking before. And of course she felt curious to know what it meant, To the window; and when o'er the casement she'd leant, Exclaim'd, with an air of exceeding content, 66 'A remarkably handsome young man'!" The young man, when shewn up, bow'd and smiled with much grace, "Gentle lady, excuse me, but such is my case Some signal, no doubt often practiced before, Caused her maid through the doorway to glide, While the lady, embarrass'd, look'd down on the floor, And blush'd, perhaps, for a moment, and when that was o'er, "Item. At dyner a pese of beyf, a stroke of roste, and a reward at our said kechyn, a caste of chete brede at our panatyre barr, and a galone of ale at our buttrye barr. Item. At afternoone a maunchet of brede at our panatrye barr, and a half a galone of ale at out buttrye barr. Item. At supper a messe of pottage, a pesc of mutten, and a reward at our said kechyn, a cast of chete brede at our panatrye, and a galone of ale at our buttrye. Item. At after supper a chete loff, and a maunchet at our panatrye barr, and half a galone of ale at our seller barr. The fine figure and face of that singular beau All comparisons scem'd to defy; And his dress at all points was completely "the go," Yet there still was a something not quite "comme il faut" But his manner was humble, and silvery the tone Of his voice, as, in cuphonic strain, He said, "Pride of the palace! well worthy the throne! If legitimate claim were with beauty alone, All your rivals, pretensions were vain!" Then, as then was the mode, he the lady compared But she listen'd, and aye as the flatterer spake And much wondering what end to his speech he would make, The gallant's peroration at length took a turn That appear'd a most singular whim; He found fault with her ruff, and declared he could carn The request was a strange one. Yet wherefore refuse? "Well,-pray take one!" she said with a laugh. "Do your best. It may serve your waste time to amuse. But it's really so odd! Have you learnt to black shocз In your travels? or dye an old scarf?" "I have learn'd many things," was the stranger's reply, "And you'll soon find I know quite enough To fulfil your commission, for certainly I Can hotpress, et cetera; and so, now, good b' ye, Till I come back again with your ruff." The next drawing-room day our fair maiden began "Ugh!" she cried, "I'm quite frightful, do all that I can! 66 Phoo! I don't care! "Ah! my lady!" said Abigail, plastering her hair, There's a proverb that says, "If you speak of some folks And while Abigail call'd the beau's visit a hoax, "Then he has not deceived me !" the lady exclaim'd, 66 'Why don't some of 'em answer the door? To doubt of his honour you're much to be blamed. "Take this box to your mistress, and make my respects," While he strode down the hall, "and observe she neglects And I'll settle the plaits when tis on." What that paper contained is a mystery still, That she said his request she would strictly fulfil, And then smiling, exclaim'd, "What a moderate bill? Then-her toilet completed-her pride was immense. As it compass'd her neck with its firm triple fence. And then cried, "La! I never saw nothing so nice: I suppose, though, he'll charge an extravagant price?" "The fact is, that he mention'd his charge and you know At least nothing-quite serious-or likely-and so- "When he comes to inspect that my ruff sets all well, Not much longer, because there's a proverb folks tell, Then with looks so demure as might Cerberus bilk, His dress was embroider'd rich velvet and silk, His point-lace and kid-gloves were as white as new milk, "Fairest lady!" he said, "may I venture to hope This I'll venture to say, that such elear-starch and soap "And I've got," here he smiled, "a particular way Just allow me! Phoo-nonsense! You promised to pay" But the lady drew back, frown'd, and said, "Not now, pray!" And sent Abigail out by a cough. All that afterward happen'd is dingy as night, Though her maiden, as maids would of old, Peep'd and listen'd, at first with a curious delight, Then grew anxious,-and then was thrown into a fright. And this was the story she told. She declared that the beau boasted his wonderful knack Of full-dressing for banquet and ball; And that, presently after she heard a loud smack, To her mistress' aid she accordingly ran, Wondering much what the matter could be; Both were gone! where and how it was fearful to guess, While thick smoke still obscured the bay-window's rccess, What occurr'd at the window the smoke might conccal, But more certain it is, from that day ne'er again Nor amid the beau monde. All inquiries were vain. Now, ye ladies of England! young, charming, and fair! And whatever strange beaux, gay and handsome, may dare Lest their falsehood you rue when too late. Above all, while your hearts are warm, tender, and young, To extort a rash promise; since slips of the tongue THE FORLORN ONE. An! why those piteous sounds of woe, Thy gushing tears in torrents flow, Say what art thou ?-and what is he, Cold, callous man!-he scorns to yield, But answers-"I'm Inspector Field! And this here Warmint's prigg'd your wipe!" T. I. |