« PředchozíPokračovat »
more. And by all this formidable bombast is meant nothing in the world but a few simple roots, such as carrots, turnips, radishes, and the like. But they keep the old proverb in remembrance-he that knows thee will never buy thee: and, therefore, every thing must be made a mystery, to hold the public in ignorance."
It has already been mentioned, that the Doctor has adorned his elegant treatise with his portrait
. Besides this embellishment he has favoured the public with an engraving of his mansion in Liverpool. Hence the happy few who have been so fortunate as to outlive the effects of his Cordial Balm may view the residence of their benefactor. A scale is annexed, by which it appears, that the body of this consecrated tenement is seventy feet long; and undoubtedly, were the philanthropic proprietor exalted according to his merit, he would be placed by public justice in a situation as eminent and conspicuous as that which conferred inmortality on Ha
It is to be regretted that his Majesty's Attorney General is not informed of such publications as Dr. Brodur's Guide to old Age, and Dr. Solomon's Guide to Health. Perhaps the moment is approaching when he may take cognizance of this moral essay*, and there can be little doubt that the sage and beneficent authors will be amply rewarded. Whoever publishes an obscene pamphlet is liable to fine, imprisonment, and the pillory. How much greater then should the reward be of such as endeavoured to poison the health and morals of a people, by the propagation of a falsehood and imposture ? In this light the Attorney-General may think proper to recommend a trip to Botany Bay, to the benencent Doctors.
* Brodum's dull and obscene pamphlet will no longer insult the public eye; and perhaps the reverend publisher of Solomon's still more indecent and vulgar production, will either froin motives of shame or prudence discontinue to circulate a book which is a disgrace to the English press.
On the other hand it may be asserted, that a Doctor of such transcendent skill could not be spared out of England. But, as cavallers have often complained that our advertising physicians accept a pecunary compensation for their public services, this might be obviated by plac.ng them in some receptacle appropriated to the improvement of public morals, in Bridewell for instance. There they would have the pleasure of meeting several of their former patients, not only restored to health, but employed in preparing hemp for the benetit of the coinınúnity.
In this school of morality and physic, Dr. Solomon, Mr. Perkins, Dr. Senate, Dr. Gardner, and several other benign sages, might prepare and dispense their melicines gratis, and this inode of exercising their skill would effectúally silence their calumniators. Among many improvements of this enlightened age, we might then boast of having converted an English House of Correction into what it was originally designed to be-A Tempie of Health and Murality; and advertising physicians would soon cease to impose upon the credulous part of the community. Dr. Senate, like a benevolent philosopher, has
endeavoured to remedy the waste occasioned by the sword, by Lozenges of Steel, which will render even sterility itself prolific. This metal has ever been either an excellent friend or formidable enemy to the human race, according to the use to whick it was applied. The poet says,
“ What time would spare, from steel receives its date,
Indeed there is the greatest probability, that such ladies as are rash enough to swallow the metalline tonic of Dr. S. will have too much reason to agree with the poet.
Next to the physicians who have recommended internal medicines to the public, may be mentioned those eminent surgeons who have distinguished themselves by professing to cure external a:lments.
The most remarkable of these is Mr. B. D. Perkins, whose far famed tractors have dispensed health in both hemispheres. So just is the culogium of the Poeta
“ Arm'd with twin skewers, see Perkins by main force Drag the foul fiend from Christian and from horse!" In the preface of a pamphlet, entitled “ The Influence of the Metallic Tractors on the Human Body," we are informed, that “ the writer has
crossed the Atlantic and become a resident in Lor. don*, that he may devote his time and attention to the diffusion of this important discovery, and its application to the relief of the miseries of mankind.”
Excellent and philanthropic young man; disinterested son of a generous father; thou hast ventured thy life over the innumerable waves of the vast westcm ocean, and hastened on the wings of Zephyrus, with healing in thy Tractors, to remove disease from Britain. What reward can be adequate to thy ser. vices! If the small renıuneration of five guineas a brace be an insufficient compensation, thou mayest, O friend Perkins, receive the more glorious recompence of academic honours, which the professors of the liberal sciences in Aberdeen are so willing to bestow gratuitously, on merit. But perhaps, friend, the price of a few sets of thy Tractors might accelerate this desirable event; and it is not improbable that, instead of a personal examination, the sage professors would be content with examining the bank-notes inclosed in thy ketter.
Although Mr. P. has obtained a patent, he obstrves, that it is not his intention to withhold the advantages of the discovery from the public, who may be supplied with his curious instruments for the moderate price of fide guineas a set, which he considers as a trifle!
Mr. Perkins imports his Tractors from America in parcels of two hundred sets, valued by him at
# Dr. Johnson calls London “the needy villain's general home."
one thousand guineas! Suppose this miraculous philosopher should dispose of only the above mentioned number every week; on an average we should exchange fifty-two thousand guineas annually for base metal. O! Englishmen, how long will you suffer yourselves to be imposed on by the artifice of empirics! How long will you, the most wealthy and sensible people on earth, permit Quack Doctors to prey upon the fruits of your industry !
Among the various philanthropic institutions of which this renowned metropolis can boast, the Perkinean society is the inost wonderful. Other me dical practitioners are content to assist nature by the usual mode of administering remedies; but the disciples of the Metallic practice are content with nothing less than working miracles.
All the ridiculous monkish superstition of the days of yore bids fair for a revival, under the auspices of the Perkinean Society, and we may soon expect to behold Benjamin Perkins, Squire Grimstone, and Co. forming a procession through the streets; and, by the astonishing virtues of two bits of metal, restoring the blind to sight, the lame to activity; nay, for aught we know, turning resurrection-men, and raising the dead. This last effort of their miracalous powers, however, might be attended with several unpleasant circumstances, both social and political.
Heirs, now in possession of the estates of their deceased parents, would become disinherited the resurrection of millions, who are not dead but sleep beneath the surface of the earth, would produce famine; and, as there can be no possibility of death,