the nation and I hate all politics but theatri- "Theatrical intelligence extraordinary.”— Mrs. D. Yes; but wasn't the farce damned, Mr. Dangle? And to be sure it is extremely pleasant to have one's house made the motley rendezvous of all the lackeys of literature: the very high change of trading authors and jobbing critics! Yes, my drawing-room is an absolute register-office for candidate actors, and poets without character; then to be continually alarmed with Misses and Ma'ams piping hysteric changes on Juliets and Dorindas, Pollys and Ophelias; and the very furniture trembling at the probationary starts and unprovoked rants of would-be Richards and Hamlets! And what is worse than all, now that the manager has monopolized the opera-house, haven't we the Signors and Signoras calling here, sliding their smooth semi-breves, and gargling glib divisions Mrs. D. Lord, Mr. Dangle, why will you in their outlandish throats-with foreign emisplague me about such nonsense?-Now the playssaries and French spies, for ought I know, disare begun, I shall have no peace.-Isn't it suffi-guised like fiddlers and figure dancers! cient to make yourself ridiculous by your passion for the theatre, without continually teazing me to join you? Why can't you ride your hobbyhorse without desiring to place me on a pillion behind you, Mr. Dargle? Dan. Nay, my dear, I was only going to read Mrs. D. No, no; you will never read any thing that's worth listening to; you hate to hear about your country; there are letters every day with Roman signatures, demonstrating the certainty of an invasion, and proving that the nation is utterly undone. But you never will read any thing to entertain one. Dan. What has a woman to do with politics, Mrs. Dangle? Mrs. D. And what have you to do with the theatre, Mr: Dangle? Why should you affect the character of a critic? I have no patience with you!-haven't you made yourself the jest of all your acquaintance by your interference in matters where you have no business? Are not you called a theatrical Quidnunc, and a mock Mæcenas to second-hand authors? Dan. True; my power with the managers is pretty notorious; but is it no credit to have applications from all quarters for my interest? From lords to recommend fiddlers, from ladies to get boxes, from authors to get answers, and From actors to get engagements? Mrs. D. Yes, truly; you have contrived to get a share in all the plague and trouble of theaErical property, without the profit, or even the credit of the abuse that attends it. Dan. I am sure, Mrs. Dangle, you are no oser by it, however; you have all the advanages of it: mightn't you, last winter, have had he reading of the new Pantomime a fortnight previous to its performance? And doesn't Mr. Fosbrook let you take places for a play before tis advertised, and set you down for a box or every new piece through the season? And idn't my friend, Mr. Smatter, dedicate his ast farce to you, at my particular request, Mrs. Dangle? Dan. Mercy! Mrs. Dangle; Mrs. D. And to employ yourself so idly at such an alarming crisis as this too-when, if you had the least spirit, you would have been at the head of one of the Westminster associations, or trailing a volunteer pike in the Artillery Ground! But you-o'my conscience, I believe if the French were landed to-morrow, your first enquiry would be, whether they had brought a theatrical troop with them. Dan. Mrs. Dangle, it does not signify-I say the stage is "the Mirror of Nature," and the actors are "the Abstract, and brief Chronicles of the Time."-and pray what can a man of sense study better? Besides, you will not easily persuade me that there is no credit or importance in being at the head of a band of critics, who take upon them to decide for the whole town, whose opinion and patronage all writers solicit, and whose recommendation no manager dares refuse! Mrs. D. Ridiculous!-Both managers and authors of the least merit laugh at your pretensions. The public is their critic—without whose fair approbation they know no play can rest on the stage, and with whose applause they welcome such attacks as yours, and laugh at the malice of them, where they can't at the wit. Dan. Very well, madam-very well. Enter Servant. Serv. Mr. Sneer, sir, to wait on you. Dan. O, shew Mr. Sneer up. [Exit Servant.] Plague on't, now we must appear loving and af fectionate, or Sneer will hitch us into a story. Mrs. D. With all my heart; you can't be more ridiculous than you are. Dan. You are enough to provoke Enter MR. SNEER.. Ha! my dear Sneer, I am vastly glad to see you, Mrs. D. Good morning to you, sir. Dan. Mrs. Dangle and I have been diverting ourselves with the papers.-Pray, Sneer, won't you go to Drury-lane theatre the first night of Puff's tragedy. Sneer. Yes; but I suppose one shan't be able to get in, for on the first night of a new piece they always fill the house with orders to support it. But here, Dangle, I have brought you two pieces, one of which you must exert yourself to make the managers accept, I can tell you that, for 'tis written by a person of consequence. Dan. So! now my plagues are beginning. Sneer. Aye, I am glad of it, for now you'll be happy. Why, iny dear Dangle, it is a pleasure to see how you enjoy your volunteer fatigue, and your solicited solicitations. Dan. It's a great trouble; yet, egad, it's plea sant too. Why, sometimes of a morning, I have a dozen people call on me at breakfast time, whose faces I never saw before, nor ever desire to see again. Sneer. That must be very pleasant indeed! Dan. And not a week but I receive fifty letters, and not a line in them about any business of my own. Sneer. An amusing correspondence! Dan. [Reading.] "Bursts into tears, and exit.'-What, is this a tragedy? Sneer. No, that's a genteel comedy, not a translation-only taken from the French; it is written in a stile which they have lately tried to run down; the true sentimental, and nothing ridiculous in it from the beginning to the end. Mrs. D. Well, if they had kept to that, I should not have been such an enemy to the stage; there was some edification to be got from those pieces, Mr. Sneer. Sneer. I am quite of your opinion, Mrs. Dangle; the theatre in proper hands, might certainly be made the school of morality; but now, I am sorry to say it, people seem to go there principally for their entertainment. Mrs. D. It would have been more to the credit of the managers to have kept in the other line. Sneer. Undoubtedly, madam, and hereafter perhaps to have had it recorded, that in the midst of a luxurious and dissipated age, they preserved two houses in the capital, where the conversation was always moral at least, if not entertaining! formed Housebreaker;" where, by the mere force of humour, housebreaking is put into so ridiculous a light, that if the piece has its proper run, I have no doubt but that bolts and bars will be entirely useless by the end of the season. Dan. Egad, this is new, indeed! Sneer. Yes; it is written by a particular friend of mine, who has discovered that the fol lies and foibles of society, are subjects unworthy the notice of the comic muse, who should be taught to stoop only at the greater vices and blacker crimes of humanity-gibbeting capital offences in five acts, and pillorying petty larcenies in two. In short, his idea is to dramatize the penal laws, and make the stage a court of ease to the Old Bailey. Dan. It is truly moral. Enter Servant. Serv. Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir. Dan. Beg him to walk up. [Exit Servant.] Now, Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an author to your own taste. Mrs. D. I confess he is a favourite of mine, because every body else abuses him. Sneer. Very much to the credit of your charity, madam, if not of your judgment. Dan. But, cgad, he allows no merit to any author but himself; that's the truth on't-though he's my friend. seduces Sneer. Never.-He is as envious as an old maid verging on the desperation of six-and-thirty: and then, the insidious humility with which Le you to give a free opinion on any of his works, can be exceeded only by the petulant arrogance with which he is sure to reject your observations. Dan. Very true, egad-though he's my friend. Sneer. Then his affected contempt of all newspaper strictures; though, at the same time, he is the sorest man alive, and shrinks like scorched parchment from the fiery ordeal of true criticism; yet is he so covetous of popularity, that he had rather be abused than not mentioned at all. Dan. There's no denying it—though he is my friend. Sneer. You have read the tragedy he has just finished, haven't you? Dan. O yes; he sent it to me yesterday. Sneer. Well, and you think it execrable, don't Dan. Now, egad, I think the worst alteration is in the nicety of the audience. No double entendre, no smart inuendo admitted; even Van-you? burgh and Congreve obliged to undergo a bungling reformation! Sneer. Yes, and our prudery in this respect is just on a par with the artificial bashfulness of a courtezan, who increases the blush upon her cheek in an exact proportion to the diminution of her modesty. Dan. Sneer can't even give the public a good word! But what have we here? This seems a very odd Dan. Why, between ourselves, egad, I mast own-though he's my friend-that it is one of the most-He's here [Aside.]-finished and most admirable perform [SIR FRETFUL, without.] Mr. Sneer with him, did you say? Enter SIR FRETFUL. Ah, my dear friend!—Egad, we were just speaking of your tragedy.Admirable, Sir Fretful, admirable! Sneer. O, that's a comedy, on a very new plan; replete with wit and mirth, yet of a most Sneer. You never did any thing beyond it, serious moral! You see it is called "The Re-Sir Fretful-never in your life. Sir F. You make me extremely happy; for, without a compliment, my dear Sneer, there isn't a man in the world whose judgment I value as I do your's, and Mr. Dangle's. Mrs. D. They are only laughing at you, Sir Fretful; for it was but just now that think I can hit that gentleman; for I can safely swear he never read it. Sneer. I'll tell you how you may hurt him more Sir F. How? Sneer. Swear he wrote it. Dan. Mrs. Dangle!-Ah, Sir Fretful, you Sir F. Plague on't now, Sneer, I shall take it know Mrs. Dangle.-My friend Sneer was rally-ill.-I believe you want to take away my characing just now. He knows how she admires you, and Dan. Yes, yes, Sneer will jest; but a better humoured Sir F. O, I know Dan. He has a ready turn for ridicule-his wit costs him nothing. Sir F. No, egad-or I should wonder how he came by it. [Aside. Mrs. D. Because his jest is always at the expense of his friend. Dan. But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play to the managers yet?—or can I be of any service to you? Sir F. No, no, I thank you; I believe the piece had sufficient recommendation with it. I thank you, though-I sent it to the manager of Covent Garden Theatre this morning. Sneer. I should have thought now, that it might have been cast (as the actors call it) better at Drury Lane. Sir F. O lud! no-never send a play there while I live-harkye! [Whispers SNEER. Sneer. Writes himself!—I know he doesSir F. I say nothing-I take away from no man's merit-I am hurt at no man's good fortune -I say nothing-but this I will say-through all my knowledge of life, I have observed, that there is not a passion so strongly rooted in the human heart as envy! Sneer. I believe you have reason for what you say, indeed. Sir F. Besides-I can tell you it is not always so safe to leave a play in the hands of those who write themselves. Sneer. What, they may steal from them, hey, my dear Plagiary? Sir F. Steal!-to be sure they may; and, egad, serve your best thoughts as gypsies do stolen children, disfigure them, to make 'em pass for their own. Sneer. But your present work is a sacrifice to Melpomene; and HE, you know, never Sir F. That's no security. A dexterous plagarist may do any thing. Why, sir, for aught I know, he might take out some of the best things in my tragedy, and put them into his own comedy. Sneer. That might be done, I dare be sworn. Sir F. And then, if such a person gives you the least hint or assistance, he is devilish apt to take the merit of the whole. Dan. If it succeeds. ter as an author! Sneer. Then I am sure you ought to be very much obliged to me. Sir F. Hey!-sir !— Dan. O you know, he never means what he says. Sir F. Sincerely then-you do like the piece? Sir F. But, come, now, there must be some thing that you think might be mended, hey?Mr. Dangle, has nothing struck you? Dan. Why, faith, it is but an ungracious thing for the most part to— Sir F. With most authors it is just so indeed; they are in general strangely tenacious!—but, for my part, I am never so well pleased as when a judicious critic points out any defect to me; for what is the purpose of shewing a work to a friend, if you don't mean to profit by his opinion? Sneer. Very true. Why then, though I seriously admire the piece upon the whole, yet there is one small objection; which, if you'll give me leave, I'll mention. Sir F. Sir, you can't oblige me more. Sir F. Good God! you surprise me!-wants incident! Sneer. Yes; I own I think the incidents are too few. Sir F. Good God! believe me, Mr. Sneer, there is no person for whose judgment I have a more implicit deference; but I protest to you, Mr. Sneer, I am only apprehensive that the incidents are too crowded.- -My dear Dangle, how does it strike you? Dan. Really I can't agree with my friend Sneer. I think the plot quite sufficient; and the four first acts by many degrees the best I ever read or saw in my life. If I might venture to suggest any thing, it is, that the interest rather falls off in the fifth. Sir F. Rises, I believe you mean, sir. Dan. No; I don't, upon my word. Sir F. Yes, yes, you do, upon my soul-it certainly don't fall off, I assure you-no, noit don't fall off. Dan. Now, Mrs. Dangle, didn't you say it struck you in the same light? Mrs. D. No, indeed, I did not-I did not see a fault in any part of the play from the beginning to the end. Sir F. Upon my soul, the women are the best judges after all! Mrs. D. Or if I made any objection, I am sure it was to nothing in the piece; but that I was afraid it was, on the whole, a little too long. Sir F. Aye; but with regard to this piece, I Sir F. Pray, madam, do you speak as to dura tion of time; or do you mean that the story is, have the skill even to steal with taste;--but that tediously spun out? Mrs. D. O lud! no.-I speak only with reference to the usual length of acting plays. Sir F. Then I am very happy very happy indeed-because the play is a short play, a remarkably short play.-I should not venture to differ with a lady on a point of taste; but, on these occasions, the watch, you know, is the critic. Mrs. D. Then, I suppose, it must have been Mr. Dangle's drawling manner of reading it to me. Sir F. O, if Mr. Dangle read it! that's quite another affair!-but I assure you, Mrs. Dangle, the first evening you can spare me three hours and an half, I'll undertake to read you the whole from beginning to end, with the prologue and epilogue, and allow time for the music between the acts. Mrs. D. I hope to see it on the stage next. Dan. Well, Sir Fretful, I wish you may be able to get rid as easily of the newspaper criticisms as you do of ours. you glean from the refuse of obscure volumes, where more judicious plagiarists have been before you; so that the body of your work is a composition of dregs and sediments-like a bad tavern's worst wine. Sir F. Ha, ha! Sneer. In your more serious efforts, he says, your bombast would be less intolerable, if the thoughts were ever suited to the expression; but the homeliness of the sentiment stares through the fantastic incumbrance of its fine language, like a clown in one of the new unitorms! Sir F. Ha, ha! Sneer. That y your occasional tropes and flowers suit the general coarseness of your stile, as tambour sprigs would a ground of linsey-woolsey; while your imitations of Shakespeare resemble the mimicry of Falstaff's page, and are about as near the standard of the original. Sir F. Ha! Sneer. In short, that even the finest passages Sir F. The newspapers!-sir, they are the you steal are of no service to you; for the most villainous-licentious-abominable-in-poverty of your own language prevents their fernal not that I ever read them; no-I assimilating; so that they lie on the surface, like make it a rule never to look into a newspaper. lumps of inarl on a barren moor, encumbe ing Dan. You are quite right; for it certainly what it is not in their power to fertilize !— must hurt an author of delicate feelings to see the liberties they take. Sir F. No!-quite the contrary; their abuse is, in fact, the best panegyric. I like it of all things. An author's reputation is only in danger from their support. Sneer. Why, that's true; and that attack now on you the other day Sir F. What? where? Dan. Aye, you mean in a paper of Thursday; it was completely ill-natured to be sure. Sir F. O, so inuch the better-ha, ha, ha! I wouldn't have it otherwise. Dan. Certainly it is only to be laughed at; for Sir F. You don't happen to recollect what the fellow said, do you? Sneer. Pray, Dangle-Sir Fretful seems a little anxious Sir F. O lud, no! Anxious-not I—not the least. I-but one may as well bear, you know. Dan. Sueer, do you recollect?make out something. [Aside. Sneer. I will. [To DANGLE.] Yes, yes; I remember perfectly. Sir F. Well, and pray now-not that it signifies-what might the gentleman say? Sneer. Why, he roundly asserts that you have not the slightest invention, or original genius, whatever; though you are the greatest traducer of all other authors living. Sir F. Ha, ha, ha !--very good! Sneer. That as to comedy, you have not one idea of your own, he believes, even in your common-place book—where stray jokes, and pilfered witticisms, are kept with as much method as the ledger of the lost and stolen office. Sir F. Ha, ha, ha!-very pleasant! Sir F. [After great agitation.] Now another person would be vexed at this. Sneer, Oh! but I wouldn't have told you, only to divert you. Sir F. I know it-I am diverted-ha, ha, ha! -not the least invention! ha, ha, ha! very good!-very good! Sneer. Yes-no genius! ha, ha, ha ! Dan. A severe rogue! ha, ha, ha! but you are quite right, Sir Fretful, never to read such nonsense. Sir F. To be sure-for if there is any thing to one's praise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it; and if it is abuse,-why, one is always sure to hear of it from one damin'd good-natured friend or another! Enter Servant. Serv. Sir, there is an Italian gentleman with a French interpreter, and three young ladies, and a dozen musicians, who say they are sent by Lady Rondeau and Mrs. Fuge. Dan. Gadso! they come by appointment. Dear Mrs. Dangle, do let them know I'll see them directly. Mrs. D. You know, Mr. Dangle, I shan't understand a word they say. Dan. But you hear there's an interpreter. Mrs. D. Well, I'll try to endure their com plaisance till you come. [Exit. Serv. And Mr. Puff, sir, has sent word, that the last rehearsal is to be this morning, and that he'll call on you presently. Dan, That's true; I shall certainly be at home. [Exit Servant.] Now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind to have justice done you in the way of answer-egad, Mr. Puff's your man. Sir F. Pshaw! sir, why should I wish to have it answer'd, when I tell you I am pleased at it? Dan. True, I had forgot that. But I hope you are not fretted at what Mr. Sneer Sir F. Zounds! no, Mr. Dangle, don't I tell you these things never fret me in the least, Dan. Nay, I only thought Sir F. And let me tell you, Mr. Dangle, 'tis damn'd affronting in you to suppose that I am hurt, when I tell you I am not. Sneer. But why so warm, Sir Fretful? Sir F. Gadslife! Mr. Sneer, you are as absurd as Dangle; how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can vex me but your supposing it possible for me to mind the damn'd nonsense you have been repeating to me! and let me tell you, if you continue to believe this, you must mean to insult me, gentlemen; and then your disrespect will affect me no more than the newspaper criticisms; and I shall treat it with exactly the same calm indifference and philosophic contempt; and so your servant. [Exit. Sneer. Ha, ha, ha! poor Sir Fretful! now will he go and vent his philosophy in anonymous abuse of all modern critics and authors; but, Dangle, you must get your friend Puff to take me to the rehearsal of his tragedy. Dan. I'll answer for't; he'll thank you for desiring it. But come and help me to judge of this musical family; they are recommended by people of consequence, I assure you. Sneer. I am at your disposal the whole morning; but I thought you had been a decided critic in music, as well as in literature. Dan. So I am; but I have a bad ear. Efaith, Sneer, though, I am afraid we were a little too severe on Sir Fretful, though he is my friend. Sneer. Why, 'tis certain, that, unnecessarily to mortify the vanity of any writer, is a cruelty which mere dulness never can deserve; but where a base and personal malignity usurps the place of literary emulation, the aggressor deserves neither quarter nor pity. Dan. That's true, cgad! though he's my friend. [Exit. SCENE II.-A Drawing Room, Harpsichord, &c. Italian Family, French Interpreter, Mrs. DANGLE, and Servants, discovered. Interp. Je dis madame, j'ai l'honneur to introduce et de vous demander votre protection pour le Signor Patticcio Ritornello et pour sa charmante famille. Sig P. Ah! Vosignoria noi vi preghiamo di favoritevi colla vostra protezione. 1 Daugh. Vosigniora fatevi questi grazzie. Interp. Madame, me interpret.-C'est à dire -in English-qu'ils vous prient de leur faire l'honneur Mrs. D. I say, again gentlemen, I don't understand a word you say. Sig P. Questo Signore spiegheró. Interp. Oui-me interpret-Nous avons les lettres de recommandation pour Monsieur Dangle de Mrs. D. Upon my word, sir, I don't understand you. Sig P. La Contessa Rondeau e nostra padrona, 3 Daugh. Si, padre, et mi Ladi Fuge. Interp. O!- ―me interpret.--Madame, ils disent-in English-qu'ils ont l'honneur d'être proteges de ces dames.—You understand? Mrs. D. No, sir,-no understand! Enter DANGLE and SNEER. Interp. Ah! voici Monsieur Dangle! All Ital. A! Signor Dangle! Mrs. D. Mr. Dangle, here are two very civil gentlemen trying to make themselves understood, and I don't know which is the interpreter. Dan. Eh bien! Interp. Monsieur Dangle-le grand bruit de vos talents pour la critique et de votre interest avec messieurs les directeurs à tous les théatres. Sig P. Vosignoria flete si famoso par la vostra conoscensa e vostra interessa colla le direttore da Speaks together. Dan. Egad, I think the interpreter is the hardest to be understood of the two! Sneer. Why I thought, Dangle, you had been an admirable linguist! Dan. So I am, if they would not talk so damnn'd fast. Sneer. Well, I'll explain that; the less time we lose in hearing them the better; for that I suppose is what they are brought here for. [SNEER speaks to Sig. PAST.-They sing Trios, &c. DANGLE beating out of time. Enter Servant, and whispers Dangle. Dan. Shew him up. [Exit Servant.] Bravo! admirable! bravissimo! admirablissimo!-ah, Sneer! where will you find such voices as these in England? Sneer. Not easily. Dan. But Puff is coming. Signor and little Signoros-obligatissimo!-Sposa Signora Danglena-Mrs. Dangle, shall I beg you to offer in the next room. them some refreshments, and take their address [Exit MRS. DANGLE with the Italians and Interpreter ceremoniously. Enter Servant. Serv. Mr. Puff, sir. Dan. My dear Puff. Enter PUFF. Puff. My dear Dangle, how is it with you? Dan. Mr. Sneer, give me leave to introduce Mr. Puff to you. Puff. Mr. Sneer is this? sir, he is a gentleman whom I have long panted for the honour of knowing; a gentleman whose critical talents and transcendant judgment Sneer. Dear sir Dun. Nay, don't be modest, Sneer, my friend Puff only talks to you in the stile of his pro sion. |