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Enter SPEED. Speed. How now, signior Launce ? what news with your mastership ?
Launce. With my master's ship? why, it is at sea.
Speed. Well, your old vice still; mistake the word. What news then in your paper.
Launce. The blackest news that ever thou heard'st.
Launce. Fie on thee, jolt-head; thou canst not read.
Speed. Thou liest, I can.
Launce. I will try thee. Tell me this : Who begot thee?
Speed. Marry, the son of my grandfather.
Launce. O illiterate loiterer! it was the son of thy grandmother: this proves, that thou canst not read.
Speed. Come, fool, come: try me in thy paper.
Launce. There; and saint Nicholas 1 be thy speed!
Speed. Imprimis, ' She can milk.'
the proverb, Blessing of your heart, you brew good ale.
i Saint Nicholas was said to preside over scholars.
Speed. Item, 'She can sew.'
Launce. What need a man care for a stock 1 with a wench, when she can knit him a stock ? 2
Speed. Item, 'She can wash and scour.'
Launce. A special virtue ; for then she need not be washed and scoured.
Speed. Item, 'She can spin.'
Launce. Then may I set the world on wheels, 3 when she can spin for her living.
Speed. Item, 'She hath many nameless virtues.'
Launce. That's as much as to say, bastard virtues; that indeed know not their fathers, and therefore have no names.
Speed. “Here follows her vices.'
Speed. Item, 'She is not to be kissed fasting, in respect of her breath.'
Launce. Well, that fault may be mended with a breakfast. Read on.
Speed. Item, • She hath a sweet mouth.'
Launce. It's no matter for that, so she sleep not in her talk.
Speed. Item, ‘She is slow in words.'
3 Defy the world.
vices ! To be slow in words, is a woman's only virtue: I pray thee, out with 't; and place it for her chief virtue.
Speed. Item, 'She is proud.'
Launce. Out with that too; it was Eve's legacy, and cannot be ta’en from her.
Speed. Item, 'She hath no teeth.'
Launce. I care not for that neither, because I love crusts.
Speed. Item, ‘She is curst.'
Launce. Well; the best is, she hath no teeth to bite.
Speed. Item, 'She will often praise her liquor.'1
Launce. If her liquor be good, she shall : if she will not, I will; for good things should be praised.
Speed. Item, 'She is too liberal.'!
Launce. Of her tongue she cannot; for that 's writ down she is slow of: of her purse she shall not ; for that I'll keep shut: now of another thing she may; and that cannot I help. Well, proceed.
Speed. Item, 'She hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults.'
Launce. Stop there ; I'll have her : she was mine, and not mine, twice or thrice in that last article. Rehearse that once more.
Speed. Item, 'She hath more hair than wit,—’ Launce. More hair than wit,-it may be; I'll
1 Show how well she likes her liquor by drinking often. 2 Licentious in discourse.
prove it: The cover of the salt hides the salt, and therefore it is more than the salt: the hair, that covers the wit, is more than the wit; for the greater hides the less. What's next?
Speed.–And more faults than hairs,-'
Launce. That's monstrous: 0, that that were out!
Speed.—' And more wealth than faults.'
Launce. Why, that word makes the faults gracious.1 Well, I'll have her: and if it be a match, as nothing is impossible,
Speed. What then?
Launce. Why, then will I tell thee, -that thy master stays for thee at the north gate.
Speed. For me?
Launce. For thee? ay; who art thou ? he hath stayed for a better man than thee.
Speed. And must I go to him?
Launce. Thou must run to him ; for thou hast stayed so long, that going will scarce serve the turn.
Speed. Why didst not tell me sooner ? ’pox of your love-letters !
[Erit. Launce. Now will he be swinged for reading my letter: an unmannerly slave, that will thrust himself into secrets !—I'll after, to rejoice in the boy's correction.
The same. d room in the Duke's palace.
Enter DUKE and THURIO; PROTEUS behind. Duke. Sir Thurio, fear not, but that she will love
you, Now Valentine is banish'd from her sight.
Thu. Since his exile she hath despised me most,
Duke. This weak impress of love is as a figure
Pro. Gone, my good lord.
Duke. So I believe; but Thurio thinks not so.-
Pro. Longer than I prove loyal to your grace, Let me not live to look upon your grace.
Duke. Thou know’st, how willingly I would effect