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[Aside. And marry her at Eton.- Go, send to Falstaff straight. [Brook: Ford. Nay, I'll to him again in name of He'll tell me all his purpose: Sure, he'll come. Mrs. Page. Fear not you that: Go, get us And tricking for our fairies. [properties t, Eva. Let us about it: It is admirable pleasures, and fery honest knaveries.
[Exeunt PAGE, FORD, and EVANS. Mrs. Page. Go, mistress Ford, Send quickly to sir John, to know his mind. [Exit Mrs. FORD. I'll to the doctor; he hath my good will, And none but he, to marry with Nan Page. That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot; And he my husband best of all affects: The doctor is well money'd, and his friends Potent at court; he, none but be, shall have her, Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. [Exit.
A Room in the Garter Inn.
Enter Host and SIMPLE. Host. What would'st thou have, boor? what, thick-skin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
Sim. Marry, sir, I come to speak with sir John Falstaff from master Slender.
Host. There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed, and truckle-bed; 'tis painted about with the story of the prodigal, fresh and new: Go, knock and call; he'll speak like an Anthropophaginiant unto
thee: Knock, I say.
Sim. There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber; I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down: I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host. Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll call.-Bully knight! Bully sir
• Soundly. + Necessarics.
Jolin! speak from thy lungs military: Art thou there? it is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.
Fal. [above.] How now, mine host?
Host. Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman: Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourable: Fye! privacy? fye!
Fal. There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me; but she's gone. Sim. Pray you, sir, was't not the wise Woman of Brentford? Fal. Ay, marry, was it, muscle-shell; What would you with her?
Sim. My master, sir, my master Slender, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that besent to her, seeing her go thorough the streets, guiled him of a chain, had the chain, or no. Fal. I spake with the old woman about it. Sim. And what says she, I pray, sir? Fal. Marry, she says, that the very same man, that beguiled master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it.
Sim. I would, I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.
Fal. What are they? let us know.
Sim. I may not conceal them, sir. Fal. Conceal them, or thou diest. mistress Anne Page; to know, if it were 10y Sim. Why, sir, they were nothing but about
master's fortune to have her, or no. Fal. Tis, 'tis his fortune.
Sim. What, sir?
Fal. To have her, or no: Go; say, the woman told me so.
Sim. May I be so bold to say so, sir? Fab. Ay, sir Tike; who more bold? master glad with these tidings. [Exit SIMPLE Sim. I thank your worship: I shall make my
Host. Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, sir John: Was there a wise woman with thee? Fal. Ay, that there was, mine host; one, that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning. Enter BARDOLPH.
Bard. Out, alas, sir! cozenage! meer cozen
Host. Where be my horses? speak well of them varletto.
Bard. Run away with the cozeners: for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough German devils, three Doctor Faustuses. of mire; and set spurs, and away, like three
villain: do not say, they be fled; Germans Host. They are gone but to meet the duke,
are honest men,
Enter Sir HUGH EVANS Eva. Where is mine host? Host. What is the matter, sir?
Eva. Have a care of your entertainments; there is a friend of mine come to town, tells me, there is three couzin germans, that has cozened all the hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good-will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs; and 'tis not convenient you should be cozened: Fare you well. [Exit.
Enter Doctor CATUS.
Cuius. Vere is mine Host de Jarterre. Host. Here, master doctor, in perplexity,
and doubtful dilemma:
Cuius. I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tella me, dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jarmany: by my trot, dere is no duke, dat the court is know to come; I tell you for good vill: adieu. [Exit. Host. Hue and cry, villain, go :-assist me, knight; I am undone :-fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
[Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH. Fal. I would, all the world might be cozened; for I have been cozen'd and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court, how I have been transformed and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant, they would whip me with their fine wits, till I were as crest fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore myself at Primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
Enter Mrs. QUICKLY.
Now! whenee come you?
Quick. From the two parties, forsooth. Ful. The devil take one party, and his dam the other, and so they shall be both bestowed! I have suffered more for their sakes, more, than the villainous inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear.
Quick. And have not they suffered? Yes, 1 warrant; speciously one of them; mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.
Fab. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow, and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford; but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, deliver'd me, the knavé constable had set me i' the stocks, the common stocks, for a witch.
Quick. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.
Fal. Come up into my chamber. [Ercunt. * A game at cards.
Another Room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FENTON and Host.
Host. Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy, I will give over all. [purpose, Fent. Yet hear me speak: Assist mein my. And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee [loss. A hundred pound in gold, more than your Host. I will hear you, master Fenton; and, I will, at the least, keep your counsel. [you Fent. From time to time I have acquainted With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page; Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection (So far forth as herself might be her chooser,) Even to my wish: I have a letter from her Of such contents as you will wonder at; The mirth whereof so larded with my matter, That neither, singly, can be manifested, Without the show of both; wherein fat Hath a great scene: the image of the jest [Showing the Letter. I'll show you here at large. Hark, good [and one, To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve Must my sweet Nan present the fairy queen; The purpose why, is heret; in which disguise, While other jests are something rank on foot, Her father hath commanded her to slip Away with Slender, and with him at Eton Immediately to marry: she hath consented : Now, sir,
Her mother, even strong against that match,
The better to denote her to the doctor,
With ribands pendant, flaring 'bout her head; And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe, To pinch her by the hand, and on that token, The maid hath given consent to go with him." Host. Which means she to deceive? father
+ In the letter.
SCENE I. A Room in the Garter Inn. Enter FALSTAFF and Mrs. QUICKLY. Fal. Prythee, no more prattling ;-go.I'll hold: This is the third time; I hope, good luck lies in odd numbers. Away, go; they say, there is divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death,-Away. Quick. I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what I can to get you a pair of horns. Fal. Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head, and mince. [Exit Mrs. QUICKLY.
How now, master Brook? Master Brook, the matter will be known to-night, or never. Be you in the Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall see wonders.
Ford. Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed?
Fal. I went to her, master Brook, as you see, like a poor old man: but I came from her, master Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave, Ford her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you. He beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because I know also, life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with me; I'll tell you all, master Brook.. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and whipped top, I knew not what it was to be beaten, till lately. Follow me: I'll tell you strange things of this knave Ford: on whom to-night I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your hand.-Follow: Strange things in hand, master Brook! follow. [Exeunt.
SCENE II. Windsor Park. Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER. Page. Come, come; we'll couch i' the castle-ditch, till we see the light of our fairies. -Remember, son Slender, my daughter."
Slen. Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have a nay-wordt, how to know one another. I come to her in white, and cry, mum; she cries, budget; and by that we know one another.
Shal. That's good too: But what needs either your mum, or her budget? the white will decipher her well enough. It hath struck ten o'clock.
Page. The night is dark; light and spirits
SCENE III. The Street in Windsor.
is in green when you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to the deanery, and despatch it quickly: Go before into the park; we two must go together.
Caius. I know vat I have to do; Adieu. Mrs. Page. Fare you well, sir. [Exit CAIUS.] My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff, as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter; but 'tis no matter; better a little chiding, than a great deal of heart-break,
Mrs. Ford. Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies? and the Welsh devil, Hugh?
Mrs. Page. They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne's oak, with obscured lights; which, at the very instant of Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once display to the night. Mrs. Ford. That cannot choose but amaze him.
Mrs. Page. If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he be amazed, he will every way be mocked.
Mrs. Ford. We'll betray him finely.. Mrs. Page. Against such lewdsters, and their lechery,
Those that betray them do no treachery. Mrs. Ford. The hour draws on; To the oak, to the oak! [Exeunt.
SCENE Windsor Park. Enter Sir HUGH EVANS, and Fairies. Eva member your parts: be pold, I pray you Trib, trib, fairies; come; and refollow me into the pit; and when I give the watch-ords, do as I pid you; Come, come; trib, trib. [Exeunt
SCENE V. Another part of the Park. Enter FALSTAFF disguised, with a buck's head on.
Fal. The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on: Now, the hot-blooded gods assist me:-Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on thy horns. -O powerful love! that, in some respects, makes a beast a man; in some other, a man a beast.-You were also, Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda ;-0, omnipotent love! how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose?-A fault done first in the form of a beast;-O Jove, a beastly fault! and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl; think on't, Jove; a foul fault.-When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag; and the fattest, I think, i' the forest: send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? my doe?
Enter Mrs. FORD and Mrs. PAGE. Mrs. Ford. Sir John? art thou there, my deer? my male deer?
Fal. My doe with the black sent —Let
the sky rain potatoes; let it thunder to the And, Hony soit qui mal y pense, write, tune of Green Sleeves; hail kissing-comfits, In emerald tufts,flowers purple,blue,and white; and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery, of provocation, I will shelter me here. Buckled below fair knight-hood's bending [Embracing her. knee : Mrs. Ford. Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.
Fal. Divide me like a bribe-buck, each a haunch: I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am 1 a woodman? ha! Speak I like Herne the hunter ?-Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome! [Noise within. Mrs. Page. Alas! what noise? Mrs. Ford. Heaven forgive our sins! Fal. What should this be?
Fairies use flowers for their charactery &
And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,
Fal. Heavens defend me from that Welsh
Eva. Come, will this wood take fire? [They burn him with their tapers. Fal. Oh, oh, oh! [desire! Quick. Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in About him fairies; sing a scornful rhyme : And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time. Eva. It is right; indeed he is full of lecheries and iniquity...
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry 1:
I'll wink and couch: No man their works
That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,.
Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out:
• Keeper of the forest.
Fye on sinful fantasy!
During this song, the fairies pinch Falstaff.
Enter PAGE, FORD, Mrs. PAGE, and Mrs.
Page. Nay, do not fly: I think, we have
Become the forest better than the town?
Ford. Now, sir, who's a cuckold now ?Master Brook, Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his horns, master Brook: And, master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford's but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money; which must be paid to master Brook; his horses are arrested for it, master Brook.
Mrs. Ford. Sir John, we have had ill lack; we could never meet. I will never take you for my love again, but I will always count you my deer.
Fal. I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.
Ford. Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs
Fal. And these are not fairies? I was three or four times in the thought, they were not fairies and yet the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into a received belief, in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now, how wit may be made a Jack-alent, when 'tis upon ill employment!
Eva. Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires, and fairies will not pinse you. Ford. Well said, fairy Hugh.
Eva. And leave you your jealousies too, I
Windsor, to one master Brook, that you have cozened of money, to whom you should have been a pander: over and above that you have suffered, I think, to repay that money will be a biting affliction. [make amends: Mrs. Ford. Nay, husband, let that go to Forgive that sum, and so we'll all be friends. Ford. Well, here's my hand; all's forgiven at last.
Page. Yet be cheerful, knight: thou shall eat a posset to-night at my house; where I will desire thee to laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee: Tell her, master Slender hath married her daughter.
Mrs. Page. Doctors doubt that: If Anne
Glocestershire know on't; would I were
Puge. Of what, son?
Slen. I came yonder at Eton to marry mistress Anne Page, and she's a great lubberly have swinged him, or he should have swinged boy: If it had not been i' the church, I would would I might never stir, and 'tis a post-masme. If I did not think it had been Anne Page, ter's boy.
Ford. I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able to woo her in good English. Fal. Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'er-reaching as this? Am I ridden Slen. What need you tell me that? I think with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have a cox-so, when I took a boy for a girl: If I had comb of frize? 'tis time I were choked been married to him, for all he was in woman's with a piece of toasted cheese. apparel, I would not have had him.
Page. Upon my life then you took the wrong.
Era. Seese is not good to give puter; your pelly is all putter.
Fal. Seese and putter! Have I lived to
stand at the taunt of one that makes fritters
of English? This is enough to be the decay of lust and late-walking, through the realm.
Mrs. Page. Why, sir John, do you think, though we would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head and shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to hell, that ever the devil could have made you our delight?
Ford. What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?
Page. Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable entrails?
Ford. And one that is as slanderous as Satan?
Ford. And as wicked as his wife?
Eva. And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack, and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings, and swearings, and starings, pribbles and prabbles?
Ful. Well, I am your theme: you have the start of me; I am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welsh flannel; ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me: use me as you will. Ford. Marry, Sir, we'll bring you to
Page. Why, this is your own folly. Did daughter by her garments? not I tell you, how you should know my
Slen. I went to her in white, and cry'd mum, and she cry'd budget, as Anne and I had appointed; and yet it was not Anne, but a post-master's boy.
Eva. Jeshu! Master Slender, cannot you see but marry boys?
Page. O, I am vexed at heart: What shall
Caius. Vere is mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened; I ha' married un garçon, a boy; un paisan, by gar, a boy; it is not Anne Page: by gar, I am cozened.
Mrs. Page. Why, did you take her in green? Cuius. Ay, begar, and 'tis a boy: be gar, I'll raise all Windsor, [Exit CAIUS. Ford. This is strange: Who hath got the right Anne?
Page. My heart misgives me: Here comes master Fenton.
A fool's cap of Welsh materials.