'Mr. SPECTATOR, No. 566. Monday, July 12, I am an Half-pay Officer, and am at present with a Friend in the Country. Here is a rich Widow in the 1714. Neighbourhood, who has made Fools of all the Foxhunters within fifty Miles of her. She declares she in tends to marry, but has not yet been asked by the Man she could like. She usually admits her humble Admirers to an Audience or two, but, after she has once given them_Denial, will never see them more. I am assured by a Female Relation, that I shall have fair Play at her; but as my whole Success depends on my first Approaches, I desire your Advice, whether I had best Storm, or proceed by way of Sap. I am, Sir, Yours, &c. P. S. I had forgot to tell you, that I have already carried one of her Out-works, that is, secured her Maid.' 'Mr. SPECTATOR, I have assisted in several Sieges in the Low Countries, and being still willing to employ my Talents, as a Soldier and Engineer, lay down this Morning at Seven a Clock before the Door of an obstinate Female, who had for some time refused me Admittance, I made a Lodgment in an outer Parlour about Twelve: The Enemy retired to her Bed Chamber, yet I still pursued, and about Two a Clock this Afternoon she thought fit to Capitulate, Her Demands are indeed somewhat high, in relation to the Settlement of her Fortune. But being in Possession of the House, I intend to insist upon Carte Blanche, and am in hopes, by keeping off all other Pretenders for the Space of twenty four Hours, to starve her into a Compliance. I beg your speedy Advice, and am, Sir, Yours, Peter Push, From my Camp in Red-Lion Square, Saturday 4 in the Afternoon.' Wednesday No. 567. Wednes day, July 14, 1714. No. 567. Wednesday, July 14. Inceptus clamor frustratur híantes.-Virg. I HAVE received private Advice from some of my Correspondents, that if I would give my Paper a general Run, I should take Care to season it with Scandal. I have indeed observed of late, that few Writings sell which are not filled with great Names and illustrious Titles. The Reader generally casts his Eye upon a new Book, and if he finds several Letters separated from one another by a Dash, he buys it up, and peruses it with great Satisfaction. An M and an h, a T and an r, with a short Line between them, has sold many an insipid Pamphlet, Nay, I have known a whole Edition go off by Vertue of two or three well written &c's. A sprinkling of the Words Faction, Frenchman, Papist, Plunderer, and the like significant Terms, in an Italick Character, have also a very good Effect upon the Eye of the Purchaser; not to mention Scribler, Liar, Rogue, Rascal, Knave, and Villain, without which it is impossible to carry on a Modern Controversie. Our Party-writers are so sensible of the secret Virtue of an Inuendo to recommend their Productions, that of late they never mention the nor P-t at length, though they speak of them with Honour, and with that Deference which is due to them from every private Per son. It gives a secret Satisfaction to a Peruser of these mysterious Works, that he is able to decipher them without Help, and, by the Strength of his own natural Parts, to fill up a Blank Space, or make out a Word that has only the first or last Letter to it. Some of our Authors indeed, when they would be more Satyrical than ordinary, omit only the Vowels of a great Man's Name, and fall most unmercifully upon all the Consonants. This way of writing was first of all introduced by Tom Brown of facetious Memory, who, after having gutted a Proper Name of all its intermediate Vowels, used to plant it in his Works, and make as free with it as he pleased, without any Danger of the Statute. That That I may imitate these celebrated Authors, and No. 567. publish a Paper which shall be more taking than ordinary, Wednes I have here drawn up a very curious Libel, in which a day, July 14, Reader of Penetration will find a great deal of concealed 1714. Satyr, and if he be acquainted with the present Posture of Affairs, will easily discover the Meaning of it. 1 nor *** If there are four Persons in the Nation who endeavour to bring all things into Confusion, and ruin their native Country, I think every honest Engl-sh-men ought to be upon his Guard. That there are such every one will agree with me, who hears me name *** with his first Friend and Favourite *** *** not to mention These People may cry Church, Cherch, as long as they please, but, to make use of a homely Proverb, the Proof of the P-dd-ng is in the eating. This I am sure of, that if a certain Prince should concur with a certain Prelate, (and we have Monsieur Zn's Word for it) our Posterity would be in a sweet Peckle. Must the British Nation suffer forsooth, because my Lady Qpts has been dis obliged? Or is it reasonable that our English Fleet, which used to be the Terror of the Ocean, should lie Wind-bound for the sake of a --I love to speak out and declare my Mind clearly, when I am talking for the Good of my Country I will not make my Court to an ill Man, though he were a By or a Tt Nay, I would not stick to call so wretched a Politician, a Traitor, an Enemy to his Country, and a Blend-rbess, &c. &c. The remaining Part of this political Treatise, which is written after the manner of the most celebrated Authors in Great Britain, I may communicate to the Publick at a more convenient Season. In the mean while I shall leave this with my curious Reader, as some ingenious Writers do their Enigmas, and if any sagacious Person can fairly unriddle it, I will print his Explanation, and, if he pleases, acquaint the World with his Name, I hope this short Essay will convince my Readers, it is not for want of Abilities that I avoid State-tracts, and that if I would apply my Mind to it, I might in a little time be as great a Master of the Political Scratch as any the most eminent Writer of the Age. I shall only add No. 567. Wednes day, July 14, 1714, add, that in order to outshine all the Modern Race of Syncopists, and thoroughly content my English Readers, I intend shortly to publish a SPECTATOR, that shall not have a single Vowel in it, No. 568, I Friday, July 16 Cum recitas, incipit esse tuus.-Mart. WAS Yesterday in a Coffee-House not far from the Royal Exchange, where I observed three Persons in close Conference over a Pipe of Tobacco; upon which, having filled one for my own Use, I lighted it at the little Wax Candle that stood before them; and after having thrown in two or three Whiffs amongst them, sat down and made one of the Company, I need not tell my Reader, that lighting a Man's Pipe at the same Candle, is looked upon among Brother-smoakers as an Overture to Conversation and Friendship. As we here lay our Heads together in a very amicable Manner, being in trenched under a Cloud of our own raising, I took up the last SPECTATOR, and casting my Eye over it, The Spectator, says I, is very witty to Day, upon which a lusty lethargick old Gentlemen, who sat at the Upper-end of the Table, having gradually blown out of his Mouth a great deal of Smoak, which he had been collecting for some time before, Ay, says he, more witty than wise I am afraid. His Neighbour, who sat at his right Hand, immediately coloured, and being an angry Politician, laid down his Pipe with so much Wrath that he broke it in the Middle, and by that Means furnished me with a Tobacco-stopper. I took it up very sedately, and looking him full in the Face, made use of it from time to time all the while he was speaking: This Fellow, says he, can't for his Life keep out of Politicks. Do you see how he abuses four great Men here? I fix'd my Eye very attentively on the Paper, and asked him if he meant those who were represented by Asterisks. Asterisks, says he, do you call them? They are all of them Stars. He might as well have put Garters to 'em. Then pray do but mind the two or three next Lines! Cherch and Pddong 1714. P-dd-ng in the same Sentence! Our Clergy are very No. 568. much beholden to him. Upon this the third Gentleman, Friday, who was of a mild Disposition, and, as I found, a Whig July 16, in his Heart, desired him not to be too severe upon the SPECTATOR neither; For, says he, you find he is very cautious of giving Offence, and has therefore put two Dashes into his Pudding. A Fig for his Dash, says the angry Politician. In his next Sentence he gives a plain Inuendo, that our Posterity will be in a sweet Pickle. What does the Fool mean by his Pickle? Why does he not write at length if he means honestly? I have read over the whole Sentence, says I; but I look upon the Parenthesis in the Belly of it to be the most danger ous Part, and as full of Insinuations as it can hold. But who, says I, is my Lady Q-p-t-s? Ay, Answer that if you can, Sir, says the furious Statesman to the poor Whig that sat over against him. But without giving him Time to reply, I do assure you, says he, were I my Lady Q-p-t ·s, I would sue him for Scandalum Magnatum, What is the World come to? Must every Body be allowed to? He had by this time filled a new Pipe, and applying it to his Lips, when we expected the last Word of his Sentence, put us off with a Whiff of Tobacco; which he redoubled with so much Rage and Trepidation, that he almost stifled the whole Company, After a short Pause, I owned that I thought the SPECTATOR had gone too far in writing so many letters of my Lady Q-p-t-s's Name; but however, says I, he has made a little Amends for it in his next Sentence, where he leaves a blank Space without so much as a Consonant to direct us! I mean, says I, after those Words, The Fleet, that used to be the Terrour of the Ocean, should be Wind-bound for the sake of a after which ensues a Chasm, that, in my Opinion, looks modest enough. Sir, says my Antagonist, you may easily know his Meaning by his Gaping: I suppose he designs his Chasm, as you call it, for an Hole to creep out at, but I believe it will hardly serve his Turn. Who can endure to see the great Officers of State, the B--y's and T―t's treated after so scurrilous a Manner? I can't for my Life, says I, imagine who they are the SPECTATOR means? No! |
